SOME FUNNY ORCHESTRAS

by Cynthia MacGregor

Despite the word’s pronuncication, “music” does not have anything to do with the cry of a cat who’s ill. Although some violins sure sound like a sick cat. (There was a girl in my school whom some kids called Vile Lynn, but you didn’t need a bow to play on her.)

Besides violins, there are many other instruments. They make music in varying ways. Another that creates music when you draw a bow across the strings is the base vile.

The bow an narrow is not a musical instrument but was occasionally used to execute bad musicians in the Olden Days. One fellow who was proficient with the bow an narrow, and was later recognized in music, was named William. Because he told the story of his exploits over and over, he was known as William Tell. He shot an arrow at an apple. (His descendents many centuries later all bought PCs and shot insults at Macs.) Despite being married, William was quite the ladies’ man, and in the evenings he would down a few pints at the local tavern and make advances to all the ladies. He had a classic come-on and invariably used the same approach. It was known as the William Tell Overture.

Another stringed instrument is the harp. When two harps in an orchestra take turns carrying the melody, one seeming to answer the other, this is known as a harp-to-harp talk.

“Piano” is an Italian word meaning “softly.” Anybody who equates “piano” with “softly” has never turned a four-year-old loose on a keyboard.

The guitar is a stringed instrument that frequently comes unstrung. I know people like that, too. The autoharp, despite its name, was not designed for playing in a car. Its close cousin is the zither, which is also a kind of gentle breeze. It is not the thing you use to close your pants.

But not all instruments require strings or bows. Many instruments make music when you blow into them. For this reason, politicians make excellent musicians, since so many of them are full of hot air.

Instruments you blow into are subcategorized as either brass or reads. To play a read instrument you have to know how to read music. To play brass, you just have to have enough brass to get up there and fake it.

The trumpet is a very popular instrument. It is also used a lot in bridge games. Also, elephants are said to trumpet, but I have never seen one in an orchestra or band. Or playing bridge.

By the way, the difference between an orchestra and a band is how well they play. If they play well, they are called an orchestra and are invited to play all over. But if the musicians need a lot of practice and keep hitting sour notes, the group is barred from playing in many sites, or banned.

Let’s get back to our discussion of instruments you blow into. Another of these is the piccolo. The piccolo is green and juicy and makes your mouth pucker. Dill piccolos are the most popular. The cello, despite its name, is not fruit-flavored and wiggly. Some of the other instruments that are played by blowing into them include the buffoon, the sexyphone, the clarionet, the toobad, and the oboy, also known as the hobo because some people would like to tramp on it. In that it is similar to the tromp-on, an instrument that makes so much noise that listeners are tempted to do as the name suggests

There are different kinds of horns that are musical instruments. The French-fried horn can be differentiated from the English horn in a number of ways. The French-fried horn always sounds like it’s whining, and we all know the French love a good wine. Additionally, like any patriotic Frenchman, it refuses to play any notes in English. The English horn is, of course, the color of warm beer.

The flute is named for an archaic past tense of “fly.” This is because some of its notes seem to soar. When it’s not played well, its listeners’ eardrums get pretty soar too.

(contd on Monday)