HYSTERICAL FIGURES

by Cynthia MacGregor

The study of history goes way back to…well, way back in history. And there are fascinating facts about folks even then that are in some way parallel to modern times. Take, for instance, the queen who tiptoed around the Egyptian palace—I’m referring, of course, to Cleo Patterer. Just like many modern folks, Cleo had a drinking problem and wouldn’t admit it; she was the queen of de Nile. Several of her contemporaries were equally famous and remain so. Julius Scissor is still remembered for his cutting remarks.

He is also remembered for his speech on the occasion of his friend Brutus’s bankruptcy. (I told you their problems had modern parallels.) When Julie’s friend Brutus declared Chapter 11, he tried to lay the blame on the popular entertainers of the day, who had enticed him to attend their many performances (and thus spend too much money). But ol’ Julius set him straight, saying, “Default, dear Brutus, lies not in the stars.”

Cleo tried to leave Mark Antony for Julius. She floated down the river and barged right in on him. But Mark wasn’t having any of this desertion nonsense and called to his private guards, “Seize her!”

Another fellow with similarities to modern times is the guy who crossed the Alps on all those elephants. His elephant wasn’t equipped with directional signals, a steering wheel, or even a rear-view mirror, not to mention a GPS system. History doesn't record whether Hannibal ever got lost in the Alps, but if he did, since he was a man, you can bet he didn't stop to ask directions.

A leader whose moniker derived from his habits is that famous Roman emperor who had a strange belief—he believed you could tell how brave a warrior was by the knobbiness of his knees. Therefore he required all new recruits for the army to line up before him weekly in a straight line, raising their togas to mid-thigh so he could examine their degree of knobbiness. He of course became known as Knee Row. Knee Row would have been a much better ruler if he hadn’t fiddled around so much.

But as modern figures are generally easier to relate to, let’s take a look at some more recent folks who, like the kid who didn’t bother to study for the test, have gone down in history.

Religious leaders are always worth studying…if they stick around long enough. Sometimes it seems they are Gandhi minute we notice them. Sometimes they get lost in all the Confucian. But some make the headlines—like Bernadette, who is famous for incinerating her church’s mortgage.

France is an absolute treasure trove of famous names. Napoleon invented the first flushable water loo. Madame du Bury made sure her competition wound up six feet under—whether they were dead yet or not. And then there was a certain marquis who swore he was so serious about the politics of the day that no one could make him crack a smile. His contemporaries all tried. The top 40 radio station in Paris even started a contest, offering a basket of truffles to the first person who could get the guy to grin. Now, the French never trifle with truffles, but alas, the answer remained No every time the sponsors of the contest asked, “Is the Marquis laughy yet?”

The French didn’t think everything was a laughing matter, though. They certainly were far from giggly when they invented the guillotine. The French revolutionaries won their war because they had the best heads in Europe. But it was hard to keep your head on during the Revolution.

It was over in Europe, too, that a prize was first awarded for honesty. If you were—and, to this day, still are—completely honest in your product advertisements, you are eligible to win the No-Bull Prize.

Another famous European from a relatively recent century was King Gorge, who loved to eat. He was veddy veddy Briddish, and only got high on high tea, which is several octaves higher than high C.

King Gorge was followed (not too closely) by Queen Victorious. (Actually she hired a Private Eye to do the following for her.) Queen Victorious was famous for winning every battle. That’s why she was known as an old battle-axe. If you axed her, she would tell you so herself. Queen Victorious was the world’s most famous prune, or prude—I’m not sure there’s much of a difference. Under Good Queen Bess (well, not directly under her), Will Shakes and his peers had felt free to be bawdy—everybawdy did it. But Queen Victorious ushered in a new era of prudery, which caused Edgar L.N. Poe to write The Fall of the House of Usher, even though summer had barely started.

There was also Mary, Queen of Scotch, whose favorite drink was Dewar’s.

...And a few others, but we'll save them for tomorrow's installment.