DOCTRINE

DOCTRINE


Burglary, lying, and stealing from the collection plate to have money for tonight’s crap game are all sins, but the worst of them all (or the worst of the mall) is medi sin. Some people practice it without a license; they are guilty of false doctrine.

There are many kinds of doctors. Carty ologists treat you when you’ve banged your knee on a shopping cart. Petey-atricians only treat guys named Peter. They are very specialized. Po’ die atrists deal with people in the charity ward who are ready to check out. Obstinate tricians deal with difficult people. A doctor who specializes in you is known as a “yourologist.”

The trouble with going to the doctor is they always give you a prescription, and I get enough magazines already.

The last time I went to see the doctor, the nurse said, “He’s just back from lunch. He’ll be in as soon as he puts his lab coat on.” I thought that was what a retriever dog wears when it’s chilly out.

Doctors usually start their exam by walking across your chest with their steposcope. Then they examine you with a tongue depressor. If it works too well, your tongue may not get out of bed for a week and will cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason.

I once visited a doctor who didn’t miss checking a single part of my body—he was an eye, ear, nose, and throughout specialist.

Most proctologists see their patients during orifice hours.

Doctors are important people. They make a big difference in their communities even outside their offices. This is because they have a lot of influenza.

Doctors get a lot of help from farm-assists. They help agricultural workers. Medicine was very different before modern drugs came into existence. Take the suffer drugs. They alleviate a lot of suffering. One, used to combat sexually transmitted diseases, is known as sulfa-denial. Another, developed for people who have ego problems, is known as sulfa-esteem.

The father of modern medicine was known as Hippopotamus. Some people think someone from that long ago can’t be important anymore, but they’re wrong; this guy was a famous oaf.

Recently my skin broke out all over, so I called the dermatologist’s office. The nurse said he couldn’t see me for at least two weeks, but I told her, “I really need to see him sooner—I’m in a bit of a rash.”

People with migraines suffer from pain and or a. They don’t say or a what. But when migraine sufferers heard about the modern advances in medicine, they all shouted in unison, “Oh, rah!”

Sometimes people get an inflamed appendix. When this condition occurs, people tend to get very agitated. So it is known as append-excite-us.

If you get a fish stuck in your food pipe, you can get a sore trout. If the fish somehow migrates to your wrist, you get carp tunnel syndrome.

Guys who have a bad reaction to a woman getting close to them can get a her-near-ya. If you mess around with cleaning your chimney, you can catch the flue.

Kids who go to the doctor’s and behave themselves often get lollipops on the way out. If they sit next to a sick kid in the waiting room they might get chicken pops instead. Kids who want everything their way and who have to be the center of attention often turn out to have me-sles.

Women whose bellies are swelling might be fat or it could be they’re just stagnant. Or it could be neither of the above—they might just have rubelly.

Guynecologists are all guys; if they’re women, they have to call themselves something else.

A bad back is usually caused by backteria. An upset stomach is caused by a cafeteria.

They say that penicillin comes from a mold. The next time I’m sick I’ll just make some Jello and save on paying the doctor for a visit.

by Cynthia MacGregor

Doctors always like to know who their patients are. An eye doctor’s compendium of patient names is called an ocu-list.

Doctors work hard, so they need recreation. They all play golf, it seems. If you have an upset stomach on the golf course, they recommend you use a weak tee.

With their income, doctors can afford to eat out a lot, and most do. A survey of doctors showed that their favorite food is pasta, especially hypodermic noodles.

But they can’t afford to be out of touch with their offices, in case of an emergency, so they all wear beepers. This is because most doctors used to be Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, and their motto is Beep Prepared.