CATTLE GOT YOUR TONGUE?

by Cynthia MacGregor

In the days of the Old West, fellows would try to steal cows, but the cows, who belonged to Carnation and were therefore all Contented, didn’t want to be stolen and put up a good fight. The thieves had to get the cows in half-nelsons in order to get them to submit to being stolen, and thus became known as cattle wrestlers.

Carnation wanted to keep the remaining cows happy so they wouldn’t leave with the rustlers voluntarily. The company asked the cows what would please them. The cows asked, “How about a ’56 Chevy convertible?” Carnation supplied the cars, even though they hadn’t been invented yet, but now instead of rustling the problem was rusting, so Carnation erected canvas structures over the vehicles to prevent the weather from damaging them. Thus the Carnation Cows became car-in-tented cows.

But eventually the cows met their fate at the hands of cooks all across America. As our land grew, so did our appetite for beefsteak. Rich or poor, man or woman or child, East Coast or West, everyone wanted beef. And the cows had to grow accustomed to winding up on dinner plates. Fortunately long days on the scorching prairies made them acclimated to the heat, so they didn’t object to the temperatures of the stoves across our great land; yes, truly they were at “Home on the Range.”

The cows did have one problem: They minded that the plural of cow is “cattle.” They felt that if they were stuck with this Miss Nomer, then felines owed them one in reciprocation and the plural of kitty ought to be cowl. They sent representatives to march on Washington (the town, not the president, who was long out of office by now, with no hope of getting re-elected by virtue of the fact that he was long dead). The representatives picketed up and down the corridors of the Federal buildings and thus became known as the Beef Lobby.

Another century later and male strippers became the rage in certain nightclubs in D.C. (Washington, not direct electricity). These strippers became colloquially known as beefcake, a term that angered the cattle, who felt their trademark had been infringed on, so they went on strike. When that didn’t work, they rolled another ball and went on spare. Pro bowlers immediately protested as they objected to finding cow patties on the lanes.

Meanwhile, the anti-beef people, who ranged from vegetarian health fanatics to PETA members, started seeking a substitute for beef. One such was soya, used in soya burgers It derives its name from, “I soya try to pass that off as a hamburger.”

“Hamburger” is itself an interesting word, since it has no ham in it. It derives from the very first cow who was ground up into beef for one of these dinners. A little-known fact is that this cow had been used onstage in a production of Gypsy (remember the cow?), but it constantly upstaged the two-legged actors, who threatened to quit the production if the cow wasn’t replaced. “She’s too big a ham!” the actors protested So she was yanked out of the cast and served for that night’s dinner ... a ham-burger.

A little-known fact is that she learned of her intended fate beforehand and tried to make an escape. This led to the first recorded usage of, “Where’s the beef?” later co-opted by Medicine Avenue, so named because of all the ad executives on it who live on Mylanta and ulcer preparations. Meanwhile, though the cow took it on the lam, she was captured, thus becoming the nation’s first lam-burger.

Soya substitutes became known as sham-burgers.

The nation’s vegetable farmers, upset at their product being overlooked, what with all the furor over beef, declared “We will have peas in our time.” But the cattle lobby didn’t carrot all for that approach and decided to beet them at their own game. They marched on Washington, also aprilled and mayed. But the vegetable farmers said, “We’ve bean overlooked once too often. We’ll squash your rebellion. We’ll turnip evidence that you have a congressman in your pockets.” Of course, cows don’t have pockets, so the claim was udderly ridiculous.

The wheat farmers, meanwhile, succeeded in getting a picture of their product on every penny minted by the government. (And with all the congressmen’s lunches and dinners the taxpayers were paying for, there were a lot of after-dinner mints. And before the dinners there were a lot of liquid refresh-mints.) For each stalk of wheat that was impressed on a penny, the wheat farmers got paid. This was known as the Wheat Subsidy.

(Cont'd tomw)