SPURTS

by Cynthia MacGregor

Good sports are not necessarily good at sports. One hopes for both. Sometimes one hopes in vain. (Which is not the thing that sits and spins and shows you which way the wind is blowing. It is also not how some sports figures feel about themselves. It is also not what some sports players feel like opening when they lose.)

Golfers are called duffers because they get their exercise by riding around the golf course on their duffs. They play the game by setting the golf ball down on a small peg on the ground and swinging. Many novices miss altogether. They feel the little peg is taunting them. For this reason, the little pegs are called “tease.”

The word “golf club” has two meanings. One is the instrument of torture used to beat up on that poor, defenseless little ball; the other is the organization—as much social as athletic—to which the golfer belongs. It can get confusing. But if a man says, “My wife got me so angry I swung at the dining room table with my golf club,” you can assume that he had not swung at the furniture with an organization of five hundred members.

And speaking of violence (which we will when we discuss music), soccer is fun, but hitting a woman is against the law.

From the name of the game, you’d think the downfield progress in football is measured by the foot. Actually it is measured by the yard. These are not nice suburban yards, full of tulips and jonquils and marigolds. These yards are full of nothing but dirt and some torn-up grass. Under the circumstances, you’d think the game would be called yardball, but nooooo.

When the players kick the ball between the fenceposts, it’s called a field gold. There is no such thing as a field Silver (unless you count the Lawn Ranger’s horse).

Basketball is colloquially known as “hoops.” This is because when the players miss they holler, “Whoops!” Close enough.

Baseball is played on a diamond, proving that, after all, men do like jewelry. It is played with bats, which do not suck blood despite the feelings of many losing players. The guys who decide if a player is safe or out are called umpires. When the umpire’s call goes against you, it’s often said that the Umpire Strikes Back.

Tennis is played with a racket. The racket is mainly made by certain ill-termpered bad sports. The racket is strung. The players often come unstrung. Tennis is a game in which “love” often comes up. But try telling that to your opponent.

LaCrosse is a popular sport among Christians. Jews play LaStarre.

Polo is a sport invented by Ralph Lauren.

Croquet players hold their sticks away from the other players to show that they bear mallets toward none.

Rest sling is engaged in during nap time.

Boxing is a sport most familiar to people in the gift wrap department at Macy’s.

The favorite sport of shoppers everywhere is buy cycling.

Wannabe brides participate in many marrythons.

If you’re good at lining up in orderly files, you can probably do well at rowing.

Some people think fencing is what makes good neighbors, but many folks know it’s a sport involving foils—not aluminum—and masks—not Halloween.

How fast can you throw objects at a designated target? You may be good at hurtles.

Can you jump over a high stack of eyeglasses? You may be good at optical races.

You auto be familiar with car racing. There are stock cars (made out of chicken, beef, fish, or veggies); there is formula racing (babies love it!); and there are other varieties from monster trucks (Frankenstein’s fave) to phony cars (which aren’t real at all).

Then let’s not forget fission, the favorite sport of nuclear scientists everywhere. They have a reel good time at it, though when they come home and brag about the one that got away, their wives know they’re line (and hook and sinker).

What’s your favorite sport? Do you enjoy participatory sports or speckled tater sports or both? Every sport needs its fans—and frequently air-conditioning too. Get on board—preferably a 2x4. Are you ready to rumble? Or rhumba? Or samba? Samba of these sports can get pretty rough. And others are so expensive that you’ll be in hockey for life.