BOTANY GOOD PLANTS LATELY?

by Cynthia MacGregor

Botany is the study of things like plants and flowers—things that grow in the earth. That’s the name when you are studying it formally; when you are just having fun with it, it’s called gardening.

Some of the names in botany can be confusing. Take “rose.” It really doesn’t grow in rows at all…very misleading. You should never confuse “rose” with “roes.” These latter are supposedly eggs, though there’s something fishy about that claim. Roes don’t smell at all like roses. They also have no thorns. That makes it easy to tell them apart. Also easier to eat.

Even the name “plants” can be confusing, as plants are also people who are really part of a magician’s, mentalist’s, or hypnotist’s show but are seated in the audience. Some factories are also called plants. They may be painted green and may even still be growing, but you don’t need to water them.

Bushes are green and leafy and sometimes have flowers on them. Some well-known ones are privet hedge, lilac, rhododendron, and “Dubya.”

Flowers are very popular at Valentine’s Day and when you are baking a cake. One very popular flower is violets, but I don’t know why—I’m opposed to violets! There is too much violets in the world already...we have violets in the schools, violets in the workplace...!

If you are going to do gardening, you need the right tools. One common tool is a spade, which is also what the vet did to my dog. Many famous songs have been written about gardening tools, including, “High Hoe, High Hoe, It’s off to Work We Go,” and “Shovel off to Buffalo.” (And if you have buffalo in your backyard, trust me, you’re going to need a shovel!)

An annual is a flower or plant that has to be planted every year. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is an annual too.

There are also perennials, which are flowers or plants that, even if you don’t do anything, come back every year without fail. I have known houseguests like that.

Contrary to popular belief, dandelions did not get their name either from “dandy lions,” because they are lion-colored and jim dandy easy to grow, nor from the French dents de leon, which means “teeth of the lion,” a popular myth. (Myth America is another popular myth.)

Actually the name derives from “dandle lion,” because it is just as risky to let the things grow unchecked in your yard as it would be to dandle a lion. This is because dandelions are actually weeds. Weeds come into your garden uninvited, just like the neighbors’ kids. And, like the neighbors’ kids, they’ll kill your flowers if you don’t watch out.

Weeds and reeds are confused only by Elmer Fudd. A reed is tall and thin and straight. (In my lifetime, I’ve dated several guys like that, and when I told them they were reedy, they each agreed eagerly, “I certainly am! Are you?”) A good reed is what you call a book you can’t put down.

A reed is also a kind of instrument. The three Bs could not have composed their works without reeds. (The three Bs are Bock (a kind of beer), Bait Oven (a small heated enclosure for heating clams and worms to make them more attractive to fish—don’t you think haddock or grouper would be more attracted to a nice home-cooked meal?), and Bronze (a composer who was years ahead of his time, since heavy metal music didn’t become popular till over a century after he stopped composing and started decomposing). The three Bs are not the escapees from your neighbor’s apiary.

Now there’s a word that’s connected to gardening and thoroughly confusing: Wouldn’t you expect an apiary to be a place where they keep chimps and gorillas? But no, it’s a place where you need to bee hive nice and quietly lest you startle the residents. If you live near an apiary, your flowers will benefit from the pollen nation. (Bees have their own country.)

Many flowers and bushes are named for women, like the earlier-mentioned Rose and Violet, as well as Lily, Iris, and Rhoda Dendron.

Don’t confuse g-ranium with its latter-day relative, u-ranium. G-raniums appear as props on many TV shows, while u-ranium is more radio active.

People who prevaricate have very showy gardens. This is because gardens do well when you tell them fertile lies.

Flowers lead an easy life. They like to stay in beds, although I have yet to see one using a pillow. Some of them have very misleading names. Sunflowers don’t really shine. Peonies won’t really wet your leg joints. Carnations are not really countries inhabited by autos. And we all know tulips can’t kiss you. As for marigolds, flowers can’t even cross-breed with other flowers let alone with precious metals.

Pine trees are Jewish. You can tell by all the Pine Cohens. Pine trees are always sighing because they miss their departed loved ones. (They didn’t depart due to death—they simply decamped because they couldn’t take always being needled.) Fir trees, despite their name, do not grow cats or dogs or chinchilla coats. Spruce trees are called that because they are forever fixing themselves up to look nice. Balsam trees cry intermittently. Maples are what you dance around on the first day of May. Oak trees need their feet soothed—they frequently have ache corns.

Of course some people prefer to grow edibles in their gardens. They like to enjoy the fruits of their labors, and this is a vine thing, indeed. Sometimes animals make raids on vegetable gardens. If the gardener doesn’t stand gourd, his vegetables could get squashed. (Orange you glad when the animals leave the gardeners alone in peas?)

Some people, especially apartment dwellers, have only potted plants. Others prefer to get potted themselves.

Some people even have rock gardens, though why anyone would want to grow rocks is beyond me.