HYSTERICAL FIGURES

by Cynthia MacGregor

(cont'd from yesterday)

But let’s move on into the 20th century, where we find such famous figures as Francisco Franco, whose battle cry of, “Franco, my dear, I don’t give a damn!” led many beavers to join the Spanish Revolution. A contemporary of his was Charles deGaulle, who wanted to be president for life and couldn’t believe deGaulle of some people in opposing him. Meanwhile, in Argentina, the folks in Buenos Aires had decided that Juan Peron was enough for a lifetime.

It was a great century for dictators (also commentators and french fried taters). Ghadaffi won a prize for having the most different correct spellings of his name. Idi Amin said, “Amin business—now listen up!” And Saddam Who’s Sane? proved he wasn’t.

Not everything in the twentieth century was bad news. Sun Yacht Sen-Sen, the licorice-flavored ruler, made powerboating popular in a land that had previously known only junky boats. And Mikhail Garbage Chef showed the starving Russians how to go dumpster diving and come up with some fabulous meals. Then there was Imelda Mar Cosine, who sined a bunch of checks and then went off on a shopping tangent. Her husband’s re-election was a shoe thing.

But it was not all good news, either. Mayo Tea Tongue, who had exotic tastes in foods, ruined a fine set of China. And Chiang Kai passed a bad Shek. Everyone had their doubts about Kaiser Will He? (Unfortunately, he did.) And another certain Bad Guy who followed him, in Germany, was too bad to even make jokes about.

Things were busy in Russia. While Leon Trotsky put the pacers through their paces, Josef quit Stalin and got on with the deepening grip of communism. Vladimir Lenin was one of the most famous of the rushin’ rulers, and after Lenin changed his first name he began a whole new career with a Merzey beat, though as a Rushin’ Ruler he had shown no mercy at all.

The vatican meanwhile elected a new pup who hounded the Catholics to be more attentive to their religion.

Back in the States, the 20th century was filled with a plethora of good guys and bad guys. Willie Satin was a bank robber who enjoyed the fabric of his life. Franklin Delano Rosenfeld was our eminent Jewish president. Walt made people Dizzy on the rides in his amusement parks but had trouble answering the question, “Are you a man or a mouse?” Al Capone made a lot of money off that other Al, Cohol.

Jimmy from Georgia retired from the presidency but lived up to his name at his next job, standing at the door of a club and making sure everyone who entered was of legal age. He was followed by Ronnie Ragin’, who failed to live up to his name but got an “A” in napping during cabinet meetings, giving every child who dozed in class an excuse: “I was practicing being presidential.”

George was our most direct president—he never beat around the Bush. Danny Boy didn’t Quayle but did eat crow after making a fool of himself over a lowly potatoe. President Billy-Bob earned a variety of disrespectful monikers and one very awed Monica. His presidency suffered a crushing blow. And Ken starred in the most vile proceedings since Sen. McCarthy, not to be confused with Charlie McCarthy—the latter was wooden headed, while the former simply wooden leave a bad issue alone. There’s no boogeymen under your bed, darling, just a lot of Communists, so go to sleep.

But sleeping through the 20th century was tough to do (unless you were Ronald Ragin’, who wasn’t a president but played one on TV). Perhaps the “Naughty Oughties” will be more restful. But don’t count on it.