A MERRY CAN HISTORY

by Cynthia MacGregor

Back in ’76 we passed a resolution to free ourselves from England. This led to the Resolutionary War. We were freeing ourselves from the Mother Country because it was aptly named, behaving like a typical mother and saying, “Look both ways before you cross the ocean,” and, “Don’t go overseas in all that water without your rubbers.,”

We had to get ourselves free of the ruler (also the yardstick), a character given to orgies for entertainment, who was thus known as Kink George. To confuse the people into not realizing there had been a change in leadership, which would make them more willing to obey our New Leader, we selected for our first president a same-named fellow (“George,” not “Kink”).

Just like the You’re Up Peein’ monarch, he too had no last name, which made it hard to tell the two apart. The people clamored (also oystered) for a last name for our new president. Now, in those days the head of the country did not earn a munificent salary. So he had to do additional work to help bolster his income. Georgie’s wife took in laundry on the side. Therefore they hung a sign outside the White House that said, “George and Martha, Washing Done.”

Thomas Jiffyson was a leader of the young country who was known for getting things done quickly. He took a look at these new developments—not the housing developments, which came later—and saw that we had a preseident, our first First Lady, and the beginnings of graft and corruption. And he said to the American people, “Well, all the ingredients are in place. You’re a nation.” He was a real pisser!

Of course, I committed an error back there when I referred to “The White House.” That is how we know it today. It was puce in those days. It has faded over the years. And a good thing. We would never have been taken seriously as a world leader with our president living and working in a Technicolor palace.

It was George who started the modern-day practice of having a home office. Owing to the size of the presidential living-and-working quarters, it was known, in those early days, as “the Wide House.” When the original color faded, George Washing Done gave orders to have it re-painted. But his tongue had picked up splinters from his wooden teeth, and he couldn’t talk clearly.

Ben Frankly, another early leader, who was known for his forthrightness, got the painting contract. But misunderstanding Georgie’s orders to paint The Wide House, he painted the building white. Washing Done, angered when he saw the finished job, told Ben Frankly to go fly a kite. Ben, by the way, was known for his interest in voting hanky-panky, which is why his name has become synonymous with elect tricks.

George Washing Done is not the only president whose last name has been mangled by history. Our first Jewish president, Abe Lincohen, is another example.

George is also not the only president who, when elected, had only a first name and acquired his last name while in office. The two Johns are another example. The first John came to office known only by his name. But the Secret Serviceman at the front door was hard of hearing. (He was also low in his supply of pickled fish, which made him short of herring, but that’s a different story.) When visitors, arriving after a long horse ride, would reach the White House in need of the rest room, they would ask the Secret Serviceman at the door, “Where’s the john?” But he, hard of hearing, would think they had just asked, “Where’s John?” and show them directly in to see the president. The carpet around the Oval Office had to be cleaned frequently as a result.

It was decided that John needed a last name in order to distinguish him from the facilities. In an underreported assassination attempt right at that time, a fellow with a sword arrived and tried to cleave President John right down the middle. Since the wannabe assassin had tried to split the president, it was decided the president must be an atom. So he came to be known as John Atoms.

“But we’re not scheduled to split the atom for another couple of centuries,” the Secret Service complained. The assassin was tried on charges of Trying to Alter the Course of History, and since all the country’s alterations were still being handled by Martha Washingdone, who was doing tailoring along with the laundry, that made it a treasonable offense.

But the judge thought the prosecutor had charged the assassin with a “reasonable offense.” So the judge gave him a reasonable sentence. The sentence was “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.” The assassin was condemned to keep repeating it till he could say it twenty times in a row without tangling it.

Unable to do so, he shot himself in despair. (But since it was da spare, he still had one left.) Thus he saved the country from having to send him to the electric chair, which was a Very Good Thing since electricity hadn’t yet been discovered.

As for President Atoms, as I said earlier, his last name, just like Georgie’s and Abe’s, got transmogrified over the years. His son, who had a sour face, was known as John Quince-y Atoms. His great-grandson, who never held a steady job and rode the rails a lot, was known as the Atoms bum.

Other interesting characters in American History whose names got changed over the years include Wall Jackson, who toked frequently and came to be known as Stoned Wall Jackson; a Southern leader who screwed like a bunny and was thus known as Rabbitty Lee; and the General who became famous for leading us through W.W. II despite a variety of pains plaguing his body, Ache Eisenhower.