Ever Wonder Why?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Credit: mamarocks.com

Funny News Slip Ups

Credit: Break.com



Compilation of Funniest News Slip Ups - Watch more Keystone Light 2009

Now that's how you cross a road

Credit: msn.com

EXCUSES, EXCUSES

Credit: Jokes.com/Comedy Central
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''
''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

If Shakespeare Had Written "Do The Hokey Pokey"

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl
To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.librarysystems.com/hpokey.htm

Original lyrics for comparison:

You put your left foot in,
You put your left foot out,
You put your left foot in,
And you shake it all about,

You do the hokey pokey
and you turn yourself around
That what it's all about.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.scoutsongs.com/lyrics/hokeypokey.html

Kill time in your office.

This is especially good if you're at the office RIGHT NOW. Just beware the boss, as she has a low tolerance for slacking.

Give it a shot. Just make sure you have Flash installed.

Credit: FunnyFlash.com.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondergreens: Misheard sayings, expressions, quotes, etc.

“I can’t climb this ceiling any more.”
(Actual lyric: “I can’t fight this feeling anymore.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I, I, I, I sing in the light, sing in the light.”
(Actual lyric: “Ah-hah-hah-hah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot him dead, you see.”
(Actual lyric: “I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I wanna die!”
(Actual lyric: “Oh, what a night!”)
-- Stan Kegel

“You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,/With four hundred children and a crock in the field.”
(Actual lyric: ”You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,/With four hungry children and a crop in the field.”)
-- Elisabeth

“Have you ever seen Lorraine?”
(Actual lyric: “Have you ever seen the rain?”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I want a new truck.”
(Actual lyric: “I want a new drug.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“She’s got a chicken to ride and she don’t care.”
(Actual lyric: “She’s got a ticket to ride and she don’t care.”)
-- C.M.

“She’s got a stick in her eye.”
(Actual lyric: “She’s got a ticket to ride.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“She’s got a chicken to ride, and it’s in my hair.”
(Actual lyric: “She’s got a ticket to ride, and she don’t care.”
-- Marveen

“She’s gotten chicken and rice.”
(Actual lyric: “She’s got a ticket to ride.”)
-- C.M.

“She’s got a tick in her eye.”
(Actual lyric: “She’s got a ticket to ride.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I was so mad!”
(Actual lyric: “I’m a soul man.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“The heart of Rock and Roll is in Cleveland”
(Actual lyric: “The heart of Rock and Roll is still beatin.”)
K. Jacobs

“But what am I?”
(Actual lyric: “Oh, what a night.”)
-- Denise

“I wonder, wonder, who, who rode the moo-cow now?”
(Actual lyric: “I wonder, wonder, who, who wrote the book of love?”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I’ll give you diamond Sprite!”
(Actual lyric: “I’ll give you diamonds bright.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I’ll never leave your pizza burning.”
(Actual lyric: “I’ll never be your beast of burden.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I’m 264 my shirt, 264 my shirt.”
(Actual lyric: I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt.”)
-- Stan Kegel

Ever Wonder...

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?


Credit: Unknown.

Don't Let Worries Kill You

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/categories/Signs/

ST. PETER AT THE GATE

Credit: Jokes.com/Comedy Central
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes." He turns to the second guy."And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac." Then he turns to the third guy. "How about you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."

Giraffe in a pickle.

Enjoy the five stages of being slowly buried in quicksand. (Note: there's some harsh language, but it's all bleeped out. Watch with caution anyway.)



Credit: Robot Chicken.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Misheard expressions, quotes, sayings, etc.

“Do a little dance, make a little rum./Italian Ice! Italian Ice!”
(Actual lyric: “Do a little dance, make a little love./Get down tonight,
get down tonight.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Do the lucky lady.”
(Actual lyric: “Dude looks like a lady.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Picture yourself in a rain in a station/With matiscene mortars and looking mass eyes”
(Actual lyric: “Picture yourself on a train in a station/With plasticine porters with looking glass ties.”)
-- Lezlie

“Donuts make my brown eyes blue.”
(Actual lyric: “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Every time you go away you take a piece of meat with you.”
(Actual lyric: “Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Ghost man so close to me.”
(Actual lyric: “Don’t stand so close to me.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Give me the Beach Boys and free my soul.”
(Actual lyric: “Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Goin’ to the Jack-O-Lantern. Gonna get married.”
(Actual lyric: “Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Got a lot of lucky peanuts.”
(Actual lyric: “Got a lot of love between us.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Good-bye yellow brick road./There’s a dark cloud inside of the house.”
(Actual lyric: “Goodbye yellow brick road/Where the dogs of society howl.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Ham on rye.”
(Actual lyric: “I’m all right.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Hang on, stupid./Stupid hang on.”
(Actual lyric: “Hang on, Sloopy./Sloopy hang on.”)
-- Judith Ann Marks

“Happy as a rafter in the market place.”
(Actual lyric: “Happy ever after in the market place.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Hold me closer, Tony Danza./Count the head lice on the highway.”
(Actual lyric: “Hold me closer, tiny dancer./Count the headlights on the highway.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Home, where my love lies waiting. Simon, weep for me.”
(Actual lyric: “Home, where my love lies waiting silently for me.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Hope the city voted for you.”
(Actual lyric: “Hopelessly devoted to you.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“How’s about a date?”
(Actual lyric: Eyes without a face.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“When a man loves a walnut”
(Actual lyric: “When a man loves a woman.”)
-- Marveen

“I can see clearly now the rain has gone./I can see all life’s fickles in the way.”
(Actual lyric: “I can see clearly now the rain has gone./I can see all obstacles in my way.”)
-- Stan Kegel

The Hotdog Seller's Revenge

A Buddhist walks up to a street food vendor and orders a hotdog. The vendor makes the hotdog, hands it to the Buddhist, and says, "That'll be fifty cents." The Buddhist hands him a dollar, the vendor says thank you, and proceeds to help the next customer. The Buddhist interrupts the vendor, asking, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies to the Buddhist, "Ah--change comes from within."


Credit: Unknown. (If this joke belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

You never know who will be at the door

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Credit: Unknown.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about.." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." TheGodfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to Enzo: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Enzo signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown brief case, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

Credit: Jokes.com/Comedy Central


I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
"Iron this!"

When they said Big Bad Wolf...

I don't think they meant 'bad' in the streetwise sense. Gotta admit, though, that wolf looks pretty slick.



Click to expand the picture, it's big enough to be a wallpaper.

Credit: Zastavki.com. I kinda doubt they made it first, though.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Misheard song lyrics, sayings, quotes, and such

“Carryin’ beans, now we’re sharin’ the same jeans.”
(Actual lyric: “Carribean Queen, now we’re sharing the same dreams.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Great Emulsifier”
(Actual song title: “Great Balls of Fire!”)
-- Joan Capelle

“London Bridge is falling down…build it up with ironing boards”
(C.M. note: I cannot for the life of me figure out which verse this corresponds to: “Build it up with silver and gold,” “…with needles and pins,” “…with wood and clay,” “…with stone so strong.” How in the world did any of these get transmogrified into “ironing boards”? I’m thoroughly baffled!)
-- Freda

“Camptown latest sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah.”
(Actual lyric: “Camptown ladies sing this song: Doo-dah, doo-dah.”)
-- Anonymous

“Leave your pickle vats behind you.”
(Actual lyric: “Leave your fickle past behind you.”)
-- Barbara Boissonnas
{Note from C.M.: My mother and I both heard that one as “pickle vats” too. It was funny enough then—both of us committing the same mondegreen for months, knowing that couldn’t be what the vocalist on the record was singing, yet unable to hear it as anything else but “pickle vats.” But when, many many decades later, Barbara submitted the very same mondegreen to me for a book I was writing, I utterly howled with delighted amazement.)

“The wicked oppressing, Seize them from his dressing.”
(Actual lyric: “The wicked oppressing, Cease them from distressing.”)
-- C.M.

“Oh say can you see by the dawnzerly light.”
(Actual lyric: “Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light”)
-- Caroline Kahn

“Dawnserly light.”
(Actual lyric: “Dawn’s early light.”)
Bea

“Through the parallax fight.”
(Actual lyric: “Through the perilous fight.”)
(Note from the contributor on how she arrived at “dawnserly” light and parallax fight: By verbal analogy with easterly and westerly, dawnserly light comes from the direction of the dawn. [And] my father loved photographic gadgets, so I knew the word “parallax” before I knew the word “perilous.” Go figure.)
-- Bea

“Climb every mountain.”
(Actual lyric: “I’m every woman.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Ol’ Man River, he just keeps rowin’ along.”
(Actual lyric: “Ol’ Man River, he just keeps rollin’ along.”)
-- Anonymous

“Come and let me tell you ’bout my bed spread.”
(Actual lyric: “People, let me tell you ’bout my best friend.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Now laughing friends divide tears I cannot hide.”
(Actual lyric: “Now laughing friends deride tears I cannot hide.”)
-- C.M.

“Oh, beautiful for spaceship guys,”
(Actual lyric: “O, beautiful for spacious skies,”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Oh tannin’ bomb, oh tannin’ bomb.”
(Actual lyric: “O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum.”)
-- Anonymous

“Come, shave my heart.”
(Actual lyric: “Unchain my heart.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“What’s the maggot draggin’ down by the sea?”
(Actual lyric: “Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea.”)
-- Warren D. Lockaby

“Dirty deeds and the thunder chiefs.”
(Actual lyric: “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Dirty jeans and satin sheets”
(Actual lyric: “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap.”)
-- Evelyne

“Dirty deeds done to sheep.”
(Actual lyric: “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“For it was Mary, Mary, long before the Fascists came.”
(Actual lyric: “For it was Mary, Mary, long before the fashions came.”)
-- C.M.

Clever Advertising

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

I DON'T DO WINDOWS

Credit: Jokes.com/Comedy Central
A French maid was tidying up for a wealthy computer whiz. She commented that he had a nice PC.
He looked frustrated and said, "Yeah, it's top of the line, but I can't seem to get any programs to start up. You wouldn't happen to know how these gizmos work, do you?"
She replied, "I'm sorry monsieur, I would love to help you, but oh la la, I don't do Windows!"

Laurel and Hardy's The Ladder on the Car

This is a classic bit from these titans of comedy--enjoy!

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxQiotyPDsw

Crazy instrument.

It's a shame this doesn't exist in real life. I'd imagine the physics of it just wouldn't allow for such accuracy, however.



Credit: Unknown. (If you know where this came from, click here and tell us.)

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Misheard song lyrics, saying, quotes, and such


“Bald headed woman.”
(Actual lyric: “More than a woman.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Rollin’ - rollin’ - roll another reefer”
(Actual lyric: “Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ on the river.”)
-- Gary Hallock

“Four-legged woman.”
(Actual lyric: “More than a woman.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Big girl, small fry.”
(Actual lyric: “Big girls don’t cry.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I Am Biocide.”
(Actual title: “I Am by Your Side.”)
-- Lynne

“Big ol’ Jed had a light on.”
(Actual lyric: “Big old jet airliner.”)
--Stan Kegel

“Pick out Jed from the line-up.”
(Actual lyric: “Big old jet airliner.”
-- Stan Kegel

“Born on a donkey, to die on a donkey.”
(Actual lyric: “Born on a dung heap, to die on a dung heap.”)
-- C.M.
(True confessions time: This isn’t just one I collected; it’s one I actually committed myself. I can’t tell you how many years I mis-sang this line from one of the songs from Man of La Mancha before one day I finally, suddenly heard it correctly and realization hit me with the force of a right jab.)

“East Side, West Side, all around the town,/The cops played ring-around-rosie.”
(Actual lyric: “East Side, West Side, all around the town,/The tots played ring-around-rosie.”)
-- C.M.
(This is the mondegreen that first generated my interest in mondegreens, many years before I knew this type of mis-hearing had a name. In my childhood, there was a weekly TV show—I think it was broadcast only in the New York City area—called The Children’s Hour, featuring talented kids who performed for the cameras of the then-young medium known as television. “The Sidewalks of New York,” the song from which this mondegreen derives, was the show’s theme song, and weekly, as they sang it, I misheard it as “The cops played ring-around-rosie.” I never caught on to the correct lyrics till my adult years, at which time I became vastly amused at my own error and, at the same time, came to the realization that surely other people misheard song lyrics as well.

As I said, I did not yet know this type of mistake had a name; I didn’t learn the term “mondegreen” till I read it in a William Safire “On Language” column many years later. But my interest in mondegreens was born with the realization that, after all, the New York City police force was not playing ring-around-rosie in the lyrics of that song.)

“The bride bless the day, the dogs say goodnight.”
(Actual lyric: “The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Bringing in the sheets.”
(Actual lyric: “Bringing in the sheaves.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Love is greater than time can tell.”
(Actual lyric: “Love is greater than tongue can tell.”)
-- C.M.

“Killed in a bar when he was only three.”
(“Killed him a b’ar when he was only three.”)
-- Richard Lederer

Dramatic Chipmunk

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

Tattoo artist

This man lost him arm to diabetes. He then had this tattoo put on what remained of his arm to show what he thinks of the disease and how he is not going to let it beat him.

Credit: www.collegehumor.com

AT THE SOFTBALL GAME

AT THE SOFTBALL GAME
By Roberta C.M. DeCaprio

Mother's Day weekend I went with my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter out to breakfast. Later we went to watch my granddaugter play in a softball game. She's only seven, and just a wisp of a thing, as is all the other girls on her team.
One little girl comes up to play, the bat almost as big as her, and turns to her mother and said, "If I hit this ball, can we go for lobster?"
My daughter-in-law turns to me and says exactly what I was thinking. "What happened to going for icecream?"
Kids today have richer taste buds!

Bungling thieves.

It's a good thing criminals are this dumb. Otherwise they might actually get away with something.

Thieves Fail at Complicated ATM Smash-and-Grab
by David Stroup

Thieves were thwarted when an Independence Day bid to use a front-end loader to rip an ATM out of the wall in Milwaukie turned into a comedy of very costly errors.

In the attempt to grab the ATM at Clackamas Community Credit Union, the would-be bank robbers stole heavy equipment from at least two other locations — but ended up only doing thousands of dollars of damage and leaving their prize behind. Police are still searching for leads in the case, and still identifying all of their victims.

The early-morning attack on the bank was reported at 5:17 a.m. July 4. “It was reported by a passing gentleman in a garbage truck,” said Milwaukie Police Department Officer Kevin Krebs. “He saw a front-end loader sitting in front of the credit union — on fire.”

According to Krebs, the thieves apparently started by stealing a dump truck with a flatbed trailer from Hessel Construction in Portland. “From a separate location they stole the front-end loader, and put it on the trailer.”

The plan had evidently been in the works for several days; the front-end loader had been reported stolen from Modern Machinery in Portland June 30. They took truck, trailer and front-end loader to the credit union at 10400 SE Main Street.

The front-end loader, however, was too large to fit under the overhang in front of the building, Krebs said, and as they started to try to put their plan into action things began to go awry.

“They had cables and straps,” he said, “and they put one end on the front-end loader, and the other on the ATM… they used the front-end loader to pull the ATM out of the wall.

“When they pulled, the cable broke,” Krebs continued. “They tried to scoop up the ATM with the front-end loader… all they succeeded in doing was pushing the ATM into the lobby.”

In the process they did extensive — and expensive — damage to the lobby and the front of the credit union.

Finally they gave up — spectacularly. “At some point they set fire to the front-end loader” — apparently intentionally, Krebs said. It may have been done to destroy evidence.

The trailer and the front-end loader were left behind at the scene.

“At some point they brought the dump truck out into the parking lot and ran over one of the curbs — they tore off the front bumper with the license plate.”

Police tried to track the thieves with a police dog; they were able to follow them for some distance before the trail abruptly ended. “They probably got into a vehicle.”

Krebs said they believe there were at least two people involved, and possibly a third driving the get-away vehicle.

The dump truck was found in Northeast Portland — with a pop machine in back. “We don’t know where that came from.”

Credit: Get Rich Slowly.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard song lyrics, phrases, quotes and such

“All my luggage, I will send to you.”
(Actual lyric: “All my loving, I will send to you.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Are you going to starve an old friend?”
(Actual lyric: “Are you going to Scarborough Fair?”)
-- Stan Kegel

“A weenie whack a weenie whack a weenie whack.”
(Actual lyric: “A wim-o-weh a wim-o-weh.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“My wings are wet, my wings are wet”
(Actual lyric: “A wim-o-weh, a wim-o-weh.”)
-- Cathy

“Baby come back. You can play Monopoly.”
(Actual lyric: “Baby come back. You can blame it all on me.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“My country steals from me.”
(Actual lyric: “My country, ’tis of thee.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Sweet land of liver tea.”
(Actual lyric: “Sweet land of liberty.”)
-- C.M.

“My country, ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of the icing.”
(Actual lyric: “My country, ‘tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.”)
-- Lynne

“Don’t cry for me, Marge and Tina.”
(Actual lyric: “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Ahab, the Arab, she got the burning Sam”
(Actual lyric: “Ahab, the Arab, Sheik of the burning sands.”)
-- B. Hunt

“Oh, beautiful, for spaceship guys.”
(Actual lyric: “O, beautiful for spacious skies.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“I’ve thrown a custard in her face.”
(Actual lyric: “I’ve grown accustomed to her face.”)
-- Rich Lederer

“If our lips should meet in armor, rot, uh.”
(Actual lyric: “If our lips should meet, innamorata.”)
-- C.M.

“There’s gonna be a crate day.”
(Actual lyric: “There’s gonna be a great day.”)
-- Anonymous

“Baking carrot biscuits.”
(Actual lyric: “Taking care of business.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Tape it to a biscuit.”
(Actual lyric: “Taking care of business.”
-- Stan Kegel

“There’s a can of fish all over the world tonight.”
(Actual lyric: “There’s a kind of hush all over the world tonight.”)
-- Richard Lederer

Why on Earth...

SALT LAKE CITY (May 21) - Never mind the ick factor, a Utah boy is trying to get into the record books by covering his face with live snails. Eleven-year-old Fin Keheler, from Sandy, allowed 43 of the slimy mollusks to be put on his face Saturday. He wants the Guinness World Records to verify his effort.

The Guinness Web site says the record set in 2007 for snails on the face for 10 seconds is eight. The boy says he has since learned the record was 36.

Fin made three attempts on Saturday. Sitting back in a reclining chair, snails gathered from neighbors' gardens were carefully placed on his face. Those that remained for at least 10 seconds were counted.

His family is sending witness statements, video and media coverage to Guinness this week.

Credit: news.aol.com

Least Competent Criminals

Least Competent Criminals

Questionable Judgments: Remo Spencer, who works at the Wal-Mart in Great Falls, Mont., was arrested in April and charged with stealing eight laptop computers and seven iPods from the store's inventory. He aroused suspicion when he offered those items for sale on Wal-Mart's employee bulletin board.

Credit: Billings Gazette, 4-21-09

Just When You Thought All The Good Ideas Were Taken #4

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Who's Who?

Credit: Where I Got It: http://media.photobucket.com/image/funny%20pictures/yescomm/funny/funny-08.jpg

Having a bad day?

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NO ONE IS ABOVE SUSPICION

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Flight of the Hamsters.

As fun as this game is, you really need to try it with the music on. Trust me, the fun factor gets compounded by about a billion times. One of my friends from school introduced me to it, and I swear she wet her pants with laughter every time she sent one of the hamsters flying.

SEARCHING FOR A NATIONAL SONG

by Cynthia MacGregor

(cont'd from yesterday)


The branches of the service stepped in, thinking maybe we’d take one of their songs and use it for the nation. We all sang loudly and lustily, “As the Caissons Go Rolling Along,” though nobody knows what a caisson is, so in caisson you were wondering, don’t ask me. We tried out, “From the Halls of Monty Zuma to the Shores of Triple-E” but decided we didn’t like glorifying a wide shoe size. Besides, Monty Zuma had already had his revenge on many of us, so we didn’t want to glorify him, either. The Air Force weighed in with, “Come, Josephine, in My Flying Machine,” but brave passengers in those early aeroplanes decided “Flying Machine” would have better been rhymed with “Dramamine.”

We still didn’t have a national song we could all agree on, but now we had all the branches of the service chiming in. This was not a silver service or a china service...or the 8:00 Sunday Mass, either.

Unable to get the nation to adopt one of their songs as the national song, the branches of the services began some competitive infighting to see who could recruit the most volunteers. The Navy appealed to wanderlust by proclaiming, “Join the Navy and see the world,” but George W. Bush, suspecting that the part of the world he was most likely to see if he joined the Navy was Vietnam, joined the Texas Guard instead. Though the Guard didn’t teach as much that’s militaristic as the other branches do, George thought he had really executed one fancy maneuver right there. He was so divinely delighted with the results that he wrote “Guard Bliss: America.” Irving Berlin challenged Dubya’s claim to authorship, but Dubya reminded Irving that Berlin was in Germany, so he couldn’t have written an American song.

After 9/11 there was much public maneuvering to get “God Bless America” named as our new national anthem. Its chief claim was that you can sing it without incurring vocal strain, but Larry N. Gitis objected to having his stake in the outcome reduced.

Meanwhile the rest of the nation was trying very hard to reduce too...mainly via Atkins. Americans had grown so fat that many required three chairs to sit on. This led to yet another attempt to find us a national song and had us singing, “Three chairs for the red, white, and blue.” But that didn’t catch on either.

The attempt to banish carbs had Detroit nervous—they thought the effort was aimed at banishing carburetors.

Of course, what the auto industry has done to America pollution-wise is a whole nother story. At first, places like L.A. and Detroit thought the dark, thick air was a natural product. Didn’t one of our many patriotic songs sing, “God, shed His grays on thee”?

That seemed to settle the question of which should be our Official National Anthem. But then we discovered that smog was far from Divine—either in origin or in what it did to our health. Instead, it was our Grossest National Product.

So here we are, still singing about a dancing troupe—I refer, of course, to the line about the Rockettes’ red glare—still straining our vocal cords on that line, and still calling in sick on Mondays because we got laryngitis as a result while singing the National Anthem at the ballgame on Sundays.

Either we need a new National Anthem or we need a new National Sport—one that doesn’t start each game with an appeal to the folks in the nosebleed seats: “O, say—can you see?”

Someone suggested “This Land Is Your Land, This Land Is My Land,” but Hawaii and Alaska nixed that because the song describes the land as “from California to the New York Island” and quite obviously leaves them out.

Now that they’ve eliminated the talent competition from the Miss America contest, maybe instead we should have each contestant be required to write a new National Anthem. If one of them comes up with a song that’s singable, doesn’t offend any of the states, and doesn’t enrich every ENT in your HMO, she might be the first of the pageant-winners to truly deserve the title
“Miss America.”

But the lack of a suitable patriotic song is not a reason for us to return to England’s fold. They’re so busy trying to hang onto a fading system of figurehead royalty that their national anthem is “God Save the Queen.”

Hmmm...in these days when we’re exhorted to “think globally,” maybe what we really need is a world anthem.

What's in your meat?

If the meat that is at stores isn't from animals, where did it come from?

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Just When You Thought All The Good Ideas Were Taken #3

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Why Cry?

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.dailyhaha.com/jokes.asp

PRICELESS

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Lee Evans, comic madman.

This guy is absolutely insane. He's one of the best physical comics I've ever seen. You can tell he really gets into it, too, considering how much he sweats when he works.

This is Mr. Evans going to town on a bunch of instruments that don't actually exist. Enjoy.

SEARCHING FOR A NATIONAL SONG

by Cynthia MacGregor


Those opposed to our Founding Fathers were afraid that this whole democracy idea might catch on...that was why they called it “Columbia, the germ of a notion.” Our Founding Fathers countered by singing it. And for a while it looked like our new nation had both a name and a national song.

But it turned out the name “Columbia” had already been taken...albeit with a slightly different spelling. And since we didn’t want all our mail being sent to South America—the express ponies had a hard time swimming the Ipanama Canal, which, as everyone knows, is filled with toothpaste—we knew we had to call it something else. The country was then renamed “Tizoff,” and we still sing to “My country, Tizoff, thee,” though with all these name changes some of the early settlers were getting very tizzed off indeed.

Meanwhile the Westward movement had begun. Men and their families loaded up the prairie schooners and set sale...buy one and get one free. Single men went too, but they too needed the comforts only women can bring, so—in an underreported chapter of our history—a cadre of Ladies of the Evening also crossed the vast plains. This gave rise to the expression “Westward Ho’.”

As for the vast plains, they were called “plains” because they were—there was nothing fancy about them. And they were called “vast” because that’s the direction in which the migration was headed—vay out vast.

As the westbound migrants got within striking distance of the Coast (three strikes and they were out), they saw the deer and the canteloupe playing on the range (and in the oven). They also saw their first prairie dogs. These happy little animals inspired a new name for our nation: A merry cur.

Well, now we had a name for our country, but we still lacked a song we could strain our vocal cords on at ballgames. Baseball had yet to be invented, of course, but we knew it was only a matter of time (and they planned to add the thyme to the batter, which is great if the batter’s name is Herb but doesn’t work well as a cake recipe). All this gave the patriots a dimmer view (but not a dimmer switch, as cars had not yet been invented either), so they sang, “Oh, booty, full of specious guys, for amblin’ raves’ soft gain.”

The first National Conventions convinced Americans that indeed we were a land full of specious guys who raved, but they didn’t want a song about that to become our national anthem. Residents of Maine began singing to star-spangled Bangor, but the rest of us were still without a national song. The Brits, on hearing us sing about star-spangled Bangor, thought we were singing about bangers and mash, that we’d grown homesick for Britain, and we wanted to be a colony again. “Come home,” they cooed. But we were already Home on the Range.

We were home, but we still didn’t have a national song.

(cont'd tomw)

Real 911 Calls

Credit: onlyfunnystories.com

• Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
• Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
• Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
• Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

---

• Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
• Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
• Dispatcher: Excuse me?
• Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
• Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
• Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

---

• Dispatcher: 911
• Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
• Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
• Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
• Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
• Caller: No
• Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
• Caller: Running from the Police.

---

• Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
• Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
• Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
• Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
• Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
• Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

---

• Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
• Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
• Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
• Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Facts about Flamingos you never knew

Did you know there are 6 different types of Flamingos!?:

Greater Flamingo - largest of the flamingos, has deep pink wings.
Caribbean Flamingo - slightly smaller than sir Greatness above.
Chilean Flamingo - slightly smaller than Caribbean, has gray legs with pink bands at joints.
James Flamingo - all black flight feathers including the secondary flight feathers (normally red in other flamingos).
Andean Flamingo - only species of flamingo with yellow legs and feet. Has a red spot between the nostrils.
Lesser Flamingo - smallest of all flamingos, yet the color is brighter that even the Greater Flamingo!

Why are Flamingos Pink in color?

The simple answer is diet. A flamingo's pink or reddish feather, leg, and facial coloration comes from a diet high in alpha and beta carotenoid pigments, including canthaxanthin. The richest sources of carotenoids are found in the algae and various insects that make up the staples of a flamingo's diet.

Random Facts about Flamingos

- Male flamingos are slightly larger than females; however, visual sex determination of flamingos is unreliable.

- Flamingos have good hearing and use vocalizations to keep flocks together and for parent-chick recognition.

- Vision plays an important role in helping flamingos synchronize collective displays (social behaviors) of several hundred to several thousand birds.

- Flamingos have little or no sense of smell.

- Tactile organs on their tongues are used to examine food taken in.

- They are capable of drinking water at temperatures that approach the boiling point.

- When flamingos are resting, they may sit down with their legs tucked beneath them or stand on one leg.

- While resting, flamingos face into the wind. This stops wind and rain from penetrating their feathers.

- A flamingo flies with its head and neck stretched out in front and its legs trailing behind.

- Flamingos excrete salt through salt glands in the nostrils.

- Flamingos are very social birds. Breeding colonies of a few individual flamingos are rare, while colonies of tens of thousands of birds are common.

- Flamingos devote considerable time to collective displays before, during, and after breeding.

- Several hundred to several thousand flamingos are all involved simultaneously with ritualized postures and movements to synchronize breeding.

- An oil gland near the base of the tail secretes oil that the flamingo distributes throughout its feathers.

- Through slow-motion photography, researchers discovered that "Lesser Flamingo" birds pump water through their bills 20 times a second to filter their food.

- Flamingos seek out fresh water for drinking.

- Flamingos reach sexual maturity several years after hatching and usually begin to breed at about six years of age.

- Flamingos most often lay one large egg. Females have been known to lay two eggs, but it is rare for both to hatch. If an egg is lost early in incubation, a second replacement egg may be laid. This process is called double clutching.

- Both the male and female take turns incubating the egg by sitting on top of the nest mound.

- Eggs that fall from the nesting mound are not retrieved.

- Because there are no regular breeding seasons, chicks hatch throughout the year

- Egyptians revered the flamingo as the living embodiment of the sun god Ra.

- When hatching, the flamingo chick breaks through the shell using a growth on its bill called an egg tooth. The egg tooth is not a true tooth and falls off soon after hatching.

- Parents are able to recognize their own chick by sight and vocalizations. They will feed no other chick.

- Adults feed their chicks a secretion of the upper digestive tract referred to as milk. Milk secretion is caused by the hormone prolactin, which both the male and female flamingo produce.

- Flamingo vocalizations range from nasal honking to grunting or growling. Flamingos are generally very noisy birds.

- Experts have not yet determined how long flamingos live. At the Philadelphia Zoo, one flamingo lived 44 years.

- In early Roman times, flamingo tongues were carefully prepared, pickled, and served as a delicacy.

- Andean miners have killed flamingos for their fat, believed to be a cure for tuberculosis.

- SeaWorld feeds flamingos a special diet using submerged food trays used to accommodate flamingos' filter-feeding habits.

- If it is a murder of crows, then what is the term for a flock of flamingos? It's a pat of flamingos.

- Flamingos have knees that can bend backward. However, what we refer to as their knee, is actually their ankle.

- The word flamingo is most likely derived from the Latin, flamma, flame.

- Flamingos molt (shed and replace) their wing and body feathers at irregular intervals ranging from twice a year to once every two years.

- A flamingo's eye is actually larger than it's brain!

Credit: gardenfun.com

What Bird?

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.funnycatsite.com/

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN

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SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
BY: Friday, May 21st, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1:
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2:
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3:
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4:
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5:
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginningat 7:00 PM.

Class 6:
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7:
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8:
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9:
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10:
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11:
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12:
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion, Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13:
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14:
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used and Remembering To Turn It Off When Finished Using. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Anagrams.

For those of you who haven't boned up on your wordplay, anagrams are words or sentences made by rearranging the letters or another word or sentence. The results are often quite mundane; in this case, though, they're quite funny. The original phrase is on the left, the anagram on the right.

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Zs

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

And, by FAR the best one:

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Credit: Garrick's Place of Stuff!

OUR FURRY FRIENDS

by Cynthia MacGregor

(cont'd from yesterday)

Domestic house cats love the environment of a warm, friendly, cozy home. Their best place to be is wherever there’s a poker game going on, since poker players are always being reminded to feed the kitty. (And I sure wouldn’t kitty you about that.)

Cats love to eat mice. You should not let your cat near your computer.

Responsible pet-owners spay their female cats and dogs and alter their male ones. Animal doctors can perform this service. Animal doctors are called vets. They all served in foreign wars. The young kids who help them with this simple operation are called alter boys. The dedicated ones perform their tasks very religiously.

Snails are mostly famous because computer users refer to postal mail as “snail” or “snailmail.” The snails of America would be up in arms over this, except they haven’t any.

The old joke about turtles applies equally to snails: If you see one without his shell, is he naked or homeless?

Slugs are large snails without shells. They are generally considered to be gross and icky. So much so that people threaten other people with them: “Stop it or I’ll slug you.” Slugs can be fatal, too. In Western novels, the good guy often killed the bad guy (or occasionally vice versa) by putting a slug in him. Some slugs are heavy drinkers. Characters in books, especially old-fashioned hard-boiled detective novels, often took slugs of whiskey.

Antelope should not be confused with cantaloupe, which they sound like but don’t look anything like. Antelope are famous for playing with deer out on the range. The last game ended in extra innings and was tied Deer 4-Antelope 4. The game was called on account of rain, dear. Nowadays the only one playing on the range is Emeril. Other people still play in the West, even if not on the range—notably in Las Vegas. If your mom’s or dad’s sister runs off to Nevada for a quickie wedding, you can still see your aunt elope out West.

Many deer have been killed by hunters only because they needed a few bucks. Sometimes a hunter needs some doe so he can have a little fawn. But he needs to get home safely with his prize; he has to be careful not to make a mis-stag and take the wrong rut home, as my friend did. He was hurrying because his son was coming home from college that weekend. But when I asked him venison was due home, he didn’t know exactly.

In his haste, he drove under a low-hanging tree and lost the deer off the top of his car. Only one hoof remained. I suppose hoof a deer is better than none? He wanted the pelt, though, to make a deerskin rug. Whenever I see one of those things, I always wonder, Hide they do that?

Of course not all animals are furry—if feather you want proof of that, go look at chickens. There are many different breeds of them. Rhode Island Reads are the best educated.

One enterprising farmer tended to his birds by day and cooked them by night—he had a mobile kitchen, and he drove this vehicle around the neighborhood, selling his specialty, chicken in wine sauce. He, of course, called his business coq au van. And he drummed up business by handing out coop ons.

Before we close this essay, we should give at least a mention to humankind’s closest cousins, the apes, or prime mates. But we don’t want to monkey around with this subject too much. An old expressions goes, “Monkey see, monkey do.” Monkey doo can smell pretty foul. Some apes are gorillas and some are boys, but all are fond of scratching their heads, eating bananas, and masturbating just when your three-year-old gets in front of their cage at the zoo. Monkeys can be very perverse. As I said, they’re humankind’s closest cousin.

You know you're drunk when...

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"


Credit: Unknown.

Just When You Thought All The Good Ideas Were Taken #2

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Just When You Thought All The Good Ideas Were Taken #1

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Balloon Wrong

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.doingitwrong.com/

AN IRONIC SIGN

AN IRONIC SIGN
by
Roberta C.M. DeCaprio

Living life with a walking disability hasn't been easy....and has put me in numerous strange and sometimes frustrating situations when traveling about this vast world. I've entered buildings that say they're assessable, have a ramp and all....but once inside there is no way for a wheelchair user to get to the second floor (no elevator, just stairs), and that's always where the rest rooms are located. I've also come upon some ironic signs.
The one I found the funniest (it is better to laugh at these things...keeps the spirit going) was a sign posted at a co-op market/cafe in Albany, NY. I was scheduled to read some of my poetry at an open mic and after parking the car a block away (no assessable parking), I approached the front of the building and sighed in frustration upon spotting the stairs. On the door a sign was posted....letters so small I could hardly read the words from where I was positioned. But with a squint here and there I was finally able to make it out, and it read: HANDICAPPED PATRONS RING BELL FOR ATTENDENT TO OPEN ACCESSABLE ENTRANCE AT THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING.
Another ironic sign. If I could make it up the stairs to ring the bell, I wouldn't need nyone to open a special entrance. To assume every physically challenged person is accompanied by an able bodied person was the propriator's drastic oversight.
After getting a passer-by to ring the bell for me, I did make it in time to read my poetry at the open mic....but I also added a little more to my alloted time.... a word of wisdom for the one who posted the sign.

Golf is a noble sport.

This guy... maybe not so much.

--

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Credit: My Favorite Joke.

OUR FURRY FRIENDS

by Cynthia MacGregor

No, I didn’t say “our fairy friends”—this isn’t a treatise on elves, leprechauns, honest politicians, and other mythological creatures…although an ancient god (generally accepted as mythological) gives his name to the confines where many animals are found—in Zeus.

Animals are best observed when found in their natural habitat, so called because they can practice their natural habits there. Unlike human-type animals, our four-legged friends don’t cuss, pick their noses, or steal their neighbors’ newspapers, but they have plenty of other habits that mark them as members of their particular species. And speaking of marking them (not marking them present or absent), marking territory is one of these habits. They do this by peeing on trees and bushes. Human males are known to do this too, notably while mowing the backyard, but it is generally accepted that it is not done for the same purpose. We mark our territory by putting up a privacy fence and then peering through it.

Some animals are predators, while humans, especially when they’re short in their checking accounts, are postdators. Other animals live on roots and berries. So do some humans. Animals with that kind of diet are known as herbivores. Humans with that kind of diet are known as health nuts. Many humans who don’t subsist largely on berries are still fond of juniper berries…they use them to make gin. Animals don’t know how to do that. This is what separates humankind (a misnomer, since many humans aren’t kind at all) from the lower species, so-called because they are shorter and walk lower to the ground.

Some animals wind up being ground themselves—notably the animals that give us beef, veal, lamb, and pork.

People in groups such as PETA and others of that ilk (which is nothing like elk, which is something like moose, which are very deer animals) try to preserve the earth for our fellow inhabitants. They believe we have a stake in keeping the animals safe on earth. Others try to preserve certain types of animals on ranches—they believe we get steaks from keeping the animals.

The argument over whether cattle have a beef with us for eating them has cowed many a debater.

Some animals are getting scarcer and scarcer as time goes by. Much discussion has taken place over how to help such species as the bald eagle. Some felt the kindest thing to do was buy them all wigs, but others felt more serious steps had to be taken. As animals go, eagles are very flighty. Therefore, they don’t take many steps at all, themselves. They prefer to wing it. But some people thought they’d be better to wig it.

The preservationists won the debate, and now the eagle can be found more commonly again, including the picture of it that adorns such official U.S. Postal Service gear as the Express Mail envelope. Maybe that’s why the eagle has grown endangered—working for the Post Office is a very dangerous occupation. If I were an eagle, I would check to see if FedEx is hiring.

The people lobbying for a safe environment for eagles tried to make it a law—the Eagle Rights Amendment. But some people misunderstood the thrust of the law and defeated it. They thought it had to do with eagles penning their biographies—the Eagle Writes Amendment—and they thought American History had gotten too unwieldy to teach already, so they defeated the proposition.

There are many other interesting animals. Here are a few facts about them:

Bears are called that because they don’t wear any clothes.

Deer were originally called darlings, but lazy Americans preferred the shorter name as easier to spell and pronounce.

Skunks have a white stripe down their back so you’ll know which side of them to drive on.

Raccoons were originally called “wreck coons” because of what they did to the early settlers’ garbage pails. The settlers left their garbage out at the curb for collection, where it accumulated for way too long since garbage trucks hadn’t been invented yet, giving the raccoons a veritable smorgasbord. Also food.

But the Bostonians thought the name didn’t sound dignified enough, even though they themselves can’t prounounce “car” and “park” correctly. Bostonians are famous for banning tea and “O, Calcutta!” and aren’t the sort who would want anything wrecked in their city either. They changed the name to “racketcoons” because of the noise the animals made when foraging among the garbage, but like so many other words, the name got shortened over the years.

Bears were originally known as “ursus” but it was too long a name to yell when campers suddenly found themselves confronted with one in their tents at night. Needing to waken their sleeping fellow campers quickly and succinctly, they found it was much more practical to simply yell, “Bear!” Many campers, though, found themselves unable to yell anything when suddenly face-to-face with a foraging grizzly in confined quarters. Many also suddenly found themselves with damp pajamas.

Foxes are best known for their feet. Some people who make a social blunder prefer to call it a fox’s paw. They think this makes it more refined. But belching loudly at your hostess’s table, for instance, is a serious breach in etiquette no matter what you call it. Unless you’re an Arab. Then you can belch at will and still get a lot of dates. Also figs. But you probably don’t give a fig about foreign customs and don’t care if you know newton about them, so let’s move on to more animal tidbits.

Raindeer fall from rain clouds. (Thundeer are similar.)

Moose are more than one mouse.

Whales are so called because when they’re upset they cry and howl and whale, bang their fists and gnash their teeth…or they gnash sturtiums.

Dogs are cousins to wolves. That’s why when dogs bark, they go, “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!” They’re very family-oriented.

When dogs are born, the lot of puppies is known collectively as a litter. This is not the same as letter, so you should not try to mail them. Besides, they may not be male but female.

Tigers are misnamed. The second syllable is after the sound they make, “Grr, grr, grr,” but nobody has ever seen one wearing a cravat.

Since everyone already knows that a zebra is a garment for a very busty woman, I won’t include that information here. Zebras’ stripes are for the purpose of making them more visible in the dark when they’re out roaming in search of food. Zebras are basically striped, nocturnal horses, or in other words nightmares.

Zebras and tigers, being both striped, can occasionally be mistaken for each other by people who are color-blind. There is another name for these people too: Dinner.

(cont'd tomw)