JOGGER-FREE

by Cynthia MacGregor

(cont'd from Friday)

But enough about the rest of the whirled—let’s stalk about us. That’s US with capital letters. So let’s start with the capitol—Washing Town, D.C. It’s fitting that D.C. is a kind of current, since many current evince take place there. Learning what the Congress is doing with our money can indeed be electrifying. In fact, the reason the city is called Washing Town is because so much money-laundering goes on there. Washing Town is the site of the Awful Office and many other important sites of govern mint. (Spear mint tastes better but is pointy to run into.)

The seed of govern mint is the Capitol, which is always spelled with a Capital. The Capitol Dumb is rounded, with a point. The heads of many members of Congress are pointy ass swell. The Penta is Gone, so we won’t bother to discuss it. Then there is the Washing Ton mon, you meant, which costs a ton to clean the outside of, hence its name. There is also a monu meant to Abe Lincoln, the first precedent to have a toy fish named after him—Lincoln lox.

But the You Knighted States doesn’t start and stop in Washing Town. There are many other deservedly famous cities here. There are also many famous cities and provinces in our neighboring country to the north, a friendly nation that many of us avoid on a Canada the dog who ascends trees and shivers—yes, it’s a cold climb mutt, indeed.

Some of the many notable locations under the Mabel, leave! flag include Toronto, named after the instructions stamped on each base after the Blue Jays got an influx of fast-but-dumb players. Another is On Terry O., scene of a locally famous sexual escapade involving Theresa O’Reilly. Yet another is named after a game show host of days past—Monty Hall. And a certain deep-sounding instrument is found in abundance in Many Tuba.

Once again crossing the boarder (but he hasn’t yet paid his rent this month, so let’s not make him too angry), we find ourselves in Messy Chew Sits. The most famous city in New England was once a farming area, and Baa Stun was originally the trade name of a product, the farmboy’s favorite helper for keeping his wooly companion compliant.

Far to the south we find the only city named after a dog—a female Pomeranian, to be specific. Yes, of course I am talking about Pom Bitch. Nearby, my oh me, there is the town named after a famous sweet potato, familiarly known as “my Yammy.”

Go straight across the southern tier and you’ll wind up where the lawyers wail the blues in hollowed-out earth—yes, I speak of Law Sang Gullies. Nearby is a beach town called, appropriately, Sandy Eggo. The town council has been debating changing the name, but they’re still waffling on it.

And if you head north from there, you’ll find the city named after the first man whose wife called him Hon, whose minions and lackeys all told callers—on orders—that they had to deal with Mr. Big himself—”See Attila,” they advised one and all. The city’s name later got shortened slightly. Coming back east, we find the town named after “G.Q. Jerry,” voted best-dressed gambler four years running. The town, of course, is Sin So Natty.

All this is tough on the residents of the right-hand coast to fathom—in fact, they are rather knocked on their butts about it, which is why they live in the East Stun time zone. The folks on the west coast are much more precise, so they live in the Specific time zone. To their immediate east live folks who, because of the terrain, can’t spend much time outdoors. They mainly stay indoors, putting their photos in albums, so of course they live in the Mountin’ time zone. And the rest of the contiguous forty-eight, having difficulty co-ordinating the differences in time, dispatched a gnome to work out the math of it, so they are referred to as the Sent Troll time zone.

If you take an ocean to visit Hawaii, you’ll find sun-drenched beaches filled with the state’s biggest import: tourists. Their biggest exports are pineapples and Don Ho, who is almost as famous as his brother, Westward. Stroll the warm, palm tree-lined streets and you’ll soon avenue way of looking at things.