JOGGER-FREE

by Cynthia MacGregor

(cont'd from Friday)

But enough about the rest of the whirled—let’s stalk about us. That’s US with capital letters. So let’s start with the capitol—Washing Town, D.C. It’s fitting that D.C. is a kind of current, since many current evince take place there. Learning what the Congress is doing with our money can indeed be electrifying. In fact, the reason the city is called Washing Town is because so much money-laundering goes on there. Washing Town is the site of the Awful Office and many other important sites of govern mint. (Spear mint tastes better but is pointy to run into.)

The seed of govern mint is the Capitol, which is always spelled with a Capital. The Capitol Dumb is rounded, with a point. The heads of many members of Congress are pointy ass swell. The Penta is Gone, so we won’t bother to discuss it. Then there is the Washing Ton mon, you meant, which costs a ton to clean the outside of, hence its name. There is also a monu meant to Abe Lincoln, the first precedent to have a toy fish named after him—Lincoln lox.

But the You Knighted States doesn’t start and stop in Washing Town. There are many other deservedly famous cities here. There are also many famous cities and provinces in our neighboring country to the north, a friendly nation that many of us avoid on a Canada the dog who ascends trees and shivers—yes, it’s a cold climb mutt, indeed.

Some of the many notable locations under the Mabel, leave! flag include Toronto, named after the instructions stamped on each base after the Blue Jays got an influx of fast-but-dumb players. Another is On Terry O., scene of a locally famous sexual escapade involving Theresa O’Reilly. Yet another is named after a game show host of days past—Monty Hall. And a certain deep-sounding instrument is found in abundance in Many Tuba.

Once again crossing the boarder (but he hasn’t yet paid his rent this month, so let’s not make him too angry), we find ourselves in Messy Chew Sits. The most famous city in New England was once a farming area, and Baa Stun was originally the trade name of a product, the farmboy’s favorite helper for keeping his wooly companion compliant.

Far to the south we find the only city named after a dog—a female Pomeranian, to be specific. Yes, of course I am talking about Pom Bitch. Nearby, my oh me, there is the town named after a famous sweet potato, familiarly known as “my Yammy.”

Go straight across the southern tier and you’ll wind up where the lawyers wail the blues in hollowed-out earth—yes, I speak of Law Sang Gullies. Nearby is a beach town called, appropriately, Sandy Eggo. The town council has been debating changing the name, but they’re still waffling on it.

And if you head north from there, you’ll find the city named after the first man whose wife called him Hon, whose minions and lackeys all told callers—on orders—that they had to deal with Mr. Big himself—”See Attila,” they advised one and all. The city’s name later got shortened slightly. Coming back east, we find the town named after “G.Q. Jerry,” voted best-dressed gambler four years running. The town, of course, is Sin So Natty.

All this is tough on the residents of the right-hand coast to fathom—in fact, they are rather knocked on their butts about it, which is why they live in the East Stun time zone. The folks on the west coast are much more precise, so they live in the Specific time zone. To their immediate east live folks who, because of the terrain, can’t spend much time outdoors. They mainly stay indoors, putting their photos in albums, so of course they live in the Mountin’ time zone. And the rest of the contiguous forty-eight, having difficulty co-ordinating the differences in time, dispatched a gnome to work out the math of it, so they are referred to as the Sent Troll time zone.

If you take an ocean to visit Hawaii, you’ll find sun-drenched beaches filled with the state’s biggest import: tourists. Their biggest exports are pineapples and Don Ho, who is almost as famous as his brother, Westward. Stroll the warm, palm tree-lined streets and you’ll soon avenue way of looking at things.

JOGGER-FREE

by Cynthia MacGregor

There are so many countries to learn about, on seven different countenance, so jogger-free is tough to learn on the face of it. The simplest of the seven to learn about is Ease-Ya. To the east of there, the inhabitants play baseball with a small team, so they’re constantly telling you You’re Up. If you investigate I’s Trail Ya personally, you’ll find the residents follow you around. Ant Arctica is inhabited entirely by tiny, industrious insects. An A Freaker is inhabited by people who are…you know…out there. Only happy automobiles can be found in the two I Merry Cars.

Of course, there was a time when none of the inhabitants of any of these places knew anything about the others. Everyone thought they lived at the center of the universe. Then Marco decided to play polo in neighboring countries, and all the rest is his story. Following in Marco’s footsteps were Francisco da Gamma Rays, Ferdinand Majelly (he was a truly grape explorer), and Ponce dan de Leon, who always stopped to smell the roses.

On the seven countenance of the earth are found many different countries and cities, and their in happy tents. Pair Us is a city where everyone is coupled, in the country of Friends, where everyone is buddies. Watch out for the abundant viruses, as well as back teria and front teria, in Germ Many. The Belchins drink lots of bicarbonate. You can cover lots of territory with the Span Yards. Flocks of birds head to harbor with the Port You Geese. I Slanders are often the subject of libel suits. They are libel to say most anything. They export lots of meat patties from Hamburg and cook them in Greece. Many accounts live and work in I Tally. Sugar comes from Sweeten, where the driving conditions are terrible. If one night you cannot get home by car from the office, be prepared to indignantly stalk home. Fish live in Fin Land.

They banished all convicts from the country in A Freaker called Con Go. I bought an Oriental rug at the northern tip of Africa; I thought I got a good price from the dealer, but later I realized Egypt me.

In Burma, they phoned to send a tough guy out to “take care of a problem.” Fortunately, when they rang goon, he didn’t answer. All the men wear constrictive neckwear in Thailand. And of course, if you go to the heart of the former USSR, be parepared to be hurried along the way. Yes, they’ll rush ya. But do take the time to look at their most famous tourist attraction, the famous bovine belonging to the country’s famous mother—Ma’s cow.

In Dublin the natives are so angry that they live in perpetual Ire Land. There’s a part of Italy that retains its independent nature and likes to think of itself as both separate and terribly funny. See? Silly!

The capital of Buenos Aires is still under construction because Argen is still a teener. In Rio, many homes have underwear hanging out the windows—they’re draped on the bra sill. It’s always cold in Chile. In a neighboring country, they believe everyone’s male and tell them so—even if you’re a woman, they’ll tell you, Uraguay. And the fellows travel in pairs in Paraguy. Do you know all this already? I don’t Bolivia know much about South America at all. I asked my neighbor’s kid how much he knew about the Amazon, but he said, “We get our books from Barnes & Noble.”

Most of the inhabitants have black eyes in Shiner. None of the critics like the movies in Ya Pan. In a certain country in the Far East, football is revered, so when two short of a dozen players on the Green Bay football team went to visit there, they named the country after them—Packers’ Ten. But in a neighboring country, while playing against the local team, their team suffered extraordinary pain and were put on the Disabled List. Yes, they came to grief in Injure. In another neighboring nation, they make friends with your leg joint, which is why the country is called Knee Pal. I hurried out of Iran, but I roll when Iraq.

(cont'd Monday)