OUR FURRY FRIENDS

by Cynthia MacGregor

No, I didn’t say “our fairy friends”—this isn’t a treatise on elves, leprechauns, honest politicians, and other mythological creatures…although an ancient god (generally accepted as mythological) gives his name to the confines where many animals are found—in Zeus.

Animals are best observed when found in their natural habitat, so called because they can practice their natural habits there. Unlike human-type animals, our four-legged friends don’t cuss, pick their noses, or steal their neighbors’ newspapers, but they have plenty of other habits that mark them as members of their particular species. And speaking of marking them (not marking them present or absent), marking territory is one of these habits. They do this by peeing on trees and bushes. Human males are known to do this too, notably while mowing the backyard, but it is generally accepted that it is not done for the same purpose. We mark our territory by putting up a privacy fence and then peering through it.

Some animals are predators, while humans, especially when they’re short in their checking accounts, are postdators. Other animals live on roots and berries. So do some humans. Animals with that kind of diet are known as herbivores. Humans with that kind of diet are known as health nuts. Many humans who don’t subsist largely on berries are still fond of juniper berries…they use them to make gin. Animals don’t know how to do that. This is what separates humankind (a misnomer, since many humans aren’t kind at all) from the lower species, so-called because they are shorter and walk lower to the ground.

Some animals wind up being ground themselves—notably the animals that give us beef, veal, lamb, and pork.

People in groups such as PETA and others of that ilk (which is nothing like elk, which is something like moose, which are very deer animals) try to preserve the earth for our fellow inhabitants. They believe we have a stake in keeping the animals safe on earth. Others try to preserve certain types of animals on ranches—they believe we get steaks from keeping the animals.

The argument over whether cattle have a beef with us for eating them has cowed many a debater.

Some animals are getting scarcer and scarcer as time goes by. Much discussion has taken place over how to help such species as the bald eagle. Some felt the kindest thing to do was buy them all wigs, but others felt more serious steps had to be taken. As animals go, eagles are very flighty. Therefore, they don’t take many steps at all, themselves. They prefer to wing it. But some people thought they’d be better to wig it.

The preservationists won the debate, and now the eagle can be found more commonly again, including the picture of it that adorns such official U.S. Postal Service gear as the Express Mail envelope. Maybe that’s why the eagle has grown endangered—working for the Post Office is a very dangerous occupation. If I were an eagle, I would check to see if FedEx is hiring.

The people lobbying for a safe environment for eagles tried to make it a law—the Eagle Rights Amendment. But some people misunderstood the thrust of the law and defeated it. They thought it had to do with eagles penning their biographies—the Eagle Writes Amendment—and they thought American History had gotten too unwieldy to teach already, so they defeated the proposition.

There are many other interesting animals. Here are a few facts about them:

Bears are called that because they don’t wear any clothes.

Deer were originally called darlings, but lazy Americans preferred the shorter name as easier to spell and pronounce.

Skunks have a white stripe down their back so you’ll know which side of them to drive on.

Raccoons were originally called “wreck coons” because of what they did to the early settlers’ garbage pails. The settlers left their garbage out at the curb for collection, where it accumulated for way too long since garbage trucks hadn’t been invented yet, giving the raccoons a veritable smorgasbord. Also food.

But the Bostonians thought the name didn’t sound dignified enough, even though they themselves can’t prounounce “car” and “park” correctly. Bostonians are famous for banning tea and “O, Calcutta!” and aren’t the sort who would want anything wrecked in their city either. They changed the name to “racketcoons” because of the noise the animals made when foraging among the garbage, but like so many other words, the name got shortened over the years.

Bears were originally known as “ursus” but it was too long a name to yell when campers suddenly found themselves confronted with one in their tents at night. Needing to waken their sleeping fellow campers quickly and succinctly, they found it was much more practical to simply yell, “Bear!” Many campers, though, found themselves unable to yell anything when suddenly face-to-face with a foraging grizzly in confined quarters. Many also suddenly found themselves with damp pajamas.

Foxes are best known for their feet. Some people who make a social blunder prefer to call it a fox’s paw. They think this makes it more refined. But belching loudly at your hostess’s table, for instance, is a serious breach in etiquette no matter what you call it. Unless you’re an Arab. Then you can belch at will and still get a lot of dates. Also figs. But you probably don’t give a fig about foreign customs and don’t care if you know newton about them, so let’s move on to more animal tidbits.

Raindeer fall from rain clouds. (Thundeer are similar.)

Moose are more than one mouse.

Whales are so called because when they’re upset they cry and howl and whale, bang their fists and gnash their teeth…or they gnash sturtiums.

Dogs are cousins to wolves. That’s why when dogs bark, they go, “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!” They’re very family-oriented.

When dogs are born, the lot of puppies is known collectively as a litter. This is not the same as letter, so you should not try to mail them. Besides, they may not be male but female.

Tigers are misnamed. The second syllable is after the sound they make, “Grr, grr, grr,” but nobody has ever seen one wearing a cravat.

Since everyone already knows that a zebra is a garment for a very busty woman, I won’t include that information here. Zebras’ stripes are for the purpose of making them more visible in the dark when they’re out roaming in search of food. Zebras are basically striped, nocturnal horses, or in other words nightmares.

Zebras and tigers, being both striped, can occasionally be mistaken for each other by people who are color-blind. There is another name for these people too: Dinner.

(cont'd tomw)