Irish Perspective

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Credit: Unknown.

The Golfer and The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Credit: Unknown.

Another Eskimo Baptism Gone Bad

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

What do you have to declare?

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself sitting next to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?" replied the priest.

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair removal gadget for which I paid an enormous amount of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions." She then handed him her hair remover.

The aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself at customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

Finding this reply strange the customs officer then asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father...Next!"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son" the priest replied.

Credit: Unknown.

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.


She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.


The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.


Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.


She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.


'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.


'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Time to Replace the Window

Probably seemed like a good idea at the time...





Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Bar Stools

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

The Italian from New Jersey

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the Hell can't they play at night?


Credit: Unknown.

You never know who will be at the door

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Credit: Unknown.

Holy Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he sent an angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it's bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I'd better send down a 2nd angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he said to God, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God wasn't pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them and give them something to help them keep going..

Do you know what the e-mail said?


Okay; I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.




Credit: Unknown.

A Heavenly Contest

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. 
 
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' 



So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. 
 
They moused. 
 
They faxed.. 

They e-mailed. 
 
They e-mailed with attachments. 
 
They downloaded. 
 
They did spreadsheets! 

They wrote reports. 
 
They created labels and cards.. 

They created charts and graphs. 
 
They did some genealogy reports . 
 
They did every job known to man. 

 Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. 
 


Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. 
 
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. 

Jesus just sighed. 



Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' 
 
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. 
 
Satan observed this and became irate. 
 
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' 



God just shrugged and said, 

"Jesus saves."