Wish Granted?

Two Irishmen, Pat & Mike were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Pat, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Mike looked disgustedly at Pat whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Pat! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Credit: Unknown.

You Know You Have Had Too Much To Drink When...

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again - right on his face. He decided to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him, "'So, you've been out drinking again!!"
'What makes you say that?' he asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your flaming wheelchair there!"

Credit: Unknown.

Irish Perspective

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Credit: Unknown.

Luck o' the Irish

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
---------------------------------------
What do you call an irish woman who knows where her husband is twenty four hours a day???
A widow

Religious Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to his parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. He was my faithful companion all these years, could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, thank ye' Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn' ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Credit: Unknown.