The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think..what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!


Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Mr. Bean Goes To The Swimming Pool

The great Rowan Atkinson as Mr. Bean.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4cmrMJul1g

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Credit: Unknown.

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.

Obama, fly killer.

This is as sure a sign as any that some people follow the president's actions waaaaaay too closely.

--

When President Obama killed a pesky flyduring an interview with CNBC's John Harwood, we doubt the leader of the free world expected it to become the focus of scrutiny approaching the intensity that once surrounded his Hawaiian birth certificate.

Obama's reflexes proved lightning-fast as he swatted the insect ("It's like he's got one of those fly Terminator targeting systems in his eyes," Jon Stewart noted), and as CNBC's camera panned to the dead fly on the floor, the president said, "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker."

Many gossipers -- notably TMZ -- reported that PETA had condemned Obama's action. (For our part, we found the animal rights group's initial response notable only for its uncharacteristic subtlety. "He isn't the Buddha, he's a human being, and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act," PETA blogger Alisa Mullins wrote. Of course, PETA didn't miss an opportunity to send Obama a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that uses a trapdoor to capture insects without killing them.)

As the story escalated, PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich waded into the fray, escalating the rhetoric by referring to the incident as an "execution." Friedrich told Reuters that PETA members "believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals." [Correction: Friedrich notes that the reference to an "execution" was not his own, but rather was written by another PETA staffer on the blog The PETA Files. He told Unleashed in an email that the "execution" comment "was typed in jest, as I think is clear in context."]

Now even faux-conservative funnyman Stephen Colbert has gotten in on the act, recording a special "Colbert Report" segment in which he bemoans Obama's "shocking abuse of executive power" in killing the fly. Even The Flyhimself, Jeff Goldblum, joins in, calling on the president to "apologize for this brutal act of violence" and suggesting that he could also apologize to Gov. Sarah Palin on David Letterman's behalf while he's at it. "There can never be enough apologies," he quips.

The ever-pithy Jezebel blog, noting that another fly was spotted during an interview on one of former Vice President Dick Cheney's final days in office, is suspicious about the fly that dogged Obama.

"Clearly the initial flies were emitted by Dick Cheney himself and are now breeding an army of tiny minions to undermine Obama," Jezebel staffer Anna North writes. "Cheney-flies, unfortunately, fear neither cleanliness nor vodka, but they may give up their secrets if waterboarded."

-- Lindsay Barnett

Credit: Los Angeles Times.

Malaprops

We've lately been running mondegreens in this space. Close cousins to mondegreens are malaprops. As with the mondegreens we've been running here, I have provided the correct wording below each malaprop or other error, for those of you who may recognize an error as such but momentarily cannot think what word was intended.

Guard rail
(Intended term: ring guard.)
-- Anonymous

Walter Matthews
(Intended name: Walter Matthau.)
-- Anonymous

Derricks in the bus station
(Intended word: derelicts.)
-- Anonymous

Every nook and corner
(Intended word: cranny.)
-- Anonymous

Hotty totty
(Intended expression: hoity toity)
-- Anonymous

Cellar phone
(Intended word: cellular)
-- Anonymous

Hospic
(Intended word: hospice)
-- Anonymous

Baccalaurea
(Intended word: baccalaureate)
-- Anonymous

Toys For Us
(Intended name: Toys R Us)
-- Anonymous

Peddles Flintstone
(Intended name: Pebbles)
-- Anonymous

Impersonable
(Intended word: impressionable)
-- Anonymous

Nudist column
(Intended word: colony)
-- Anonymous

High geranium
(Intended word: hydrangea)
-- Anonymous

Colanders
(Intended word: columns [reference was to architectural features])
-- Anonymous

Hemlock maneuver
(Intended term: Heimlich maneuver)
-- Anonymous

Shrader-rader
(Intended word: refrigerator [speaker was a child])
-- Biglee

Information Cooperation
(Intended name: Emancipation Proclamation.)
-- Frances Bunn, Snow Hill, NC.

Hiccup truck
(Intended word: pick-up)
-- Christine Hamilton

Now that's a Panda...er...I mean Elephant!

Elephants painted like pandas parade through a camp north of Bangkok, June 26. Thai zookeepers painted the animals to call attention to elephants after the birth of a panda cub triggered a national panda craze.


Credit: http://news.aol.com/weird-news

Fry and Laurie

I love these two together!

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoS2BU6bbQ

IT'S ALL ON YOUR HEAD

Credit: Unknown.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Facts from the 1500s.

I don't know if these are actually true or not, but they're pretty funny either way. Especially the coffin thing. (Maybe I'm just morbid.)

---

* Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

* England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."

* Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

* Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

* Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

* There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if this is where we get the saying "Good night and don't let the bed bugs bite"...

* The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold."

* They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

* Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes...for 400 years.

* Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth.

* Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

Credit: Brobdignagian Bards.

Malaprops

We've lately been running mondegreens in this space. Close cousins to mondegreens are malaprops. As with the mondegreens we've been running here, I have provided the correct wording below each malaprop or other error, for those of you who may recognize an error as such but momentarily cannot think what word was intended.


“The leprechaun will call me from my room.”
(Intended word: intercom.)
Frances Bunn, Snow Hill, NC

After Katrina, many people had to be evaporated from New Orleans.
(Intended word: evacuated.)
-- Stan Kegel

The New Orleans mayor proved to be a very extinguished man.
(Intended word: distinguished.)
-- Stan Kegel

He was arrested and brought before the judge for arrangement.
(Intended word: arraignment.)
-- Stan Kegel

Being a housewife and mother is never monogamous.
(Intended word: monotonous.)
-- Stan Kegel

Live your life as if each morning was the dawn of a new error.
(Intended word: era.)
-- Stan Kegel

Like a bowl in a china shop.
(Intended word: bull.)
-- Richard Lederer

It’s a mute point.
(Intended word: moot.)
-- Richard Lederer

Cut to the cheese.
(Intended word: chase.)
-- Richard Lederer

On the spurt of the moment.
(Intended word: spur.)
-- Richard Lederer

Funny Sign

Sometimes you have to be blunt to get your point across:


Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Differences in Men and Women

There are many differences between men and women. One of the big differences is the meaning that different words have to men and women. As one can imagine this leads to all sorts of communication problems between men and women. Take a look at the list below to read just a small sample of how different the meanings of words can be.


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female...... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Big Cat vs. Little Cat

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MSc-A7ko5g

In commemoration of my computer...

Which decided to crash on me last night and wipe out, oh, five or six years worth of memories - all thanks, I think, to an anti-virus program from my ISP that reacted very badly with the system - here's an expression of my frustration with computers at the moment.

I wish I could do this. Sigh.

HOMESICK TRUCKER

Credit: Unknown.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta .
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500.00 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a burned grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard, misunderstood song lyrics, quotations, sayings, and the like


“God meets our knees.”
(Actual title of Sunday School lesson: “God meets our needs.”)
-- Jeanie from Augusta, GA

“Mount Mushmore.”
(Actual place name: “Mount Rushmore.”)
-- Muriel

“Big mouse bass”
(Correct name of fish: “Big-mouth bass.”)
-- Elisabeth

“Foot feet”
(Correct old-time name for gas pedal: “Foot feed.”)
-- Gail Peters

“Chester drawer”
(Correct name of furniture: “Chest of drawers.”)
-- Gail Peters

“The statue of Liverty”
(Correct name: “The statue of Liberty.”)
-- Evelyne

“Potatoes Hog Rotten”
(Correct name of dish: “Potatoes au gratin.”)
-- Doug B., near Chicago

“On your market, set, go.”
(Correct wording: “On your mark, get set, go.”)
-- C.M.

“Fashada before I wake.”
(Correct wording: “If I should die before I wake.”)
-- Rita Wilkenfeld

We all need somebody to love...

Some of us just can't find the right person!



Thomas Frazier, 42, was jailed in Flint, Mich., in April after his unpaid child-support tab reached $530,000 (14 children with 13 women). He told the judge that he was only trying "to find someone who would love me for me."



Credit: Flint Journal, 4-11-09

Coffee-Making Robot

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejROvUC-gWU

BLIND DATE

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," the widow answered, "I thought he was dead."

Monty Python.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard, misunderstood song lyrics, quotes, sayings, and the like

“Hairy Vents”
(Actual name of local business in contributor’s area: “Hair Events.”)
-- Frances McCunnie via Jeff Symonds

“Cinnamonship”
(Correct version: “Citizenship”)
-- Michele Ash

[Misheard announcement in school, repeated by an excited young boy:] “The Super-Nintendo is coming!”
(Actual announcement he had misheard and misquoted: “The superintendent is coming.”)
-- Minna Choe via Jeff Symonds

“And lead a snot into temptation.”
(Correct version: “And lead us not into temptation.”)
-- K. Haviland via Jeff Symonds

“A pen is saved, a pen is burned.”
(Correct version: “A penny saved is a penny earned.”)
-- Anonymous

“Thou shalt not cover thy neighbor’s wife.”
(Correct version: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”)
-- Anonymous

“Thou shalt not make unto thee a brazen image.”
(Correct version: “Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image.”)
-- C.M.

“Pray for the missionaries in the cornfield.”
(Actual words of the prayer: “Pray for the missionaries in the foreign field.”)
-- Chris

“Goodness greyfish!”
(Correct version: “Goodness gracious!”)
-- Jodell

“For all intensive purposes.”
(Correct version: “For all intents and purposes.”)
-- Kay

Two Questions

Life really boils down to two questions....


1. Should I get a dog...?






OR




2. Should I have children...?











Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Men in Coats

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMMfgWhm3g

WOMENS FAVORITE JOKE

Credit: Unknown:

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day...Amen"
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast and packed their lunches.
He drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at the bank to make a deposit.
He went grocery shopping, drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog....all this before 1PM. Then he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 PM he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and prayed:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please! Oh please! Let us trade back....Amen!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Yet more jokes.

Smart kid on the first one. Enjoy.
---

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

---

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

---

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

---

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

---

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

---

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

---

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

Credit: BlueDonut.com.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard, misunderstood song lyrics, sayings, quotations, and the like

The Whizzer Daws
(Correct title: The Wizard of Oz)
-- Diana C.

“Paper View TV”
(Correct version: “Pay-per-view TV”)
-- Stan Kegel

“It’s a doggy-dog world.”
(Correct version: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”)
-- Frances Y. J. Wheeler

“Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life”
(Correct version: ”Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.”)
-- Clare

“This is a day that will live in infantry.”
(Correct version: “This is a day that will live in infamy.”)
-- C.M.

“And lead us not into Penn Station,”
(Correct version: “And lead us not into temptation.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“But deliver us some e-mail.”
(Correct version: “But deiver us from evil.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Nip it in the butt.”
(Correct version: “Nip it in the bud.”)
~Lauré Smith, North Hollywood, Ca.

[This next may not strictly qualify as a mondegreen, since both the mis-spoken version and the correct one sound identical. It’s all in what you think you’re hearing…or saying. The contributor says this one resulted from her mis-hearing a term used on Women’s Professional Billiards broadcasts.]
“Won-loss bracket.”
[Correct version: “One-loss bracket.”]
-- Anonymous out west

“And to the Republican, Richard Stans....”
(Correct version: “And to the republic, for which it stands…”.)
-- Marveen

“Lonely child”
(Correct version: “Only child.”)
-- Michele Ash

[This one, from Bess W. Metcalf, requires a little explanation. Bess says that her mother, many years ago, overheard Bess’s little brothers and sisters playing wedding. They had recently attended a marriage ceremony performed by their father, a pastor, and had the routine memorized. The young “minister” intoned:]
“Do you take this woman to be your awful wedded wife?”
(Correct version: “Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?”)
-- Bess W. Metcalf

“One Asian, under guard,”
(Correct version: “One nation, under God,”)
-- C.M.

It's So Hot...

Having just survived a day of 95+ weather, with more like it to come, I thought it would be appropriate to share some "It's so hot..." jokes.

Enjoy and stay cool!

It's so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

It's so hot, today I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.

It's so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones

It was so hot in Palm Springs the Betty Ford Center said, "Screw it, open the bar. Drinks for everybody”

It was so hot my cab driver was wearing an oscillating turban.

It was so hot out that North Korea test launched a long range Popsicle.

It is so hot, the squirrels are handling their nuts with potholders

It's so hot that I have discovered that asphalt has a liquid state.

It's so hot that I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.

It's so hot, I can roast marshmallows on my belly.

It's so hot...the Baptists aren't burning any books.

It's so hot...the retirement center is having a wet t-shirt contest.

It's so hot...every gay person who came out has gone back in.

It's so hot...the squirrels are leaving their nuts uncovered.

It's so hot...Satan went home until it cools off.

It's so hot...my dog is afraid to lick himself.

It's so hot...the Jehovah's Witnesses are thinking of installing a window.

You

Credit: Unknown.

Guitar Dog

Sometimes, the inside of a guitar case makes the best bed . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.funnydogsite.com/pictures/Guitar_Dog896.htm

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Credit: Unknown.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear MOm,
I'm not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you DIDN'T take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
MOm

It may be summer...

But I still like this joke. So there.

---

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?

Credit: "Jokes About" Network.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard, misunderstood song lyrics, sayings, quotations, and the like

Though song lyrics (which we've looked at in this space for the last couple of weeks) are the richest vein for mining mondegreens, proverbs, commercials, prayers, and most any other form of the spoken word are fodder for mondegreens too. If you can hear it, you can mis-hear it, and mis-quote it, and turn it into a mondegreen.


“Neck store neighbor.”
(Correct version: “Next-door neighbor.”)
-- C.M.

“Force corps and seven years ago...”
(Correct version: “Four score and seven years ago…”)
-- Gary Hallock

“Like two peas in a pot.”
(Correct version: Like two peas in a pod.)
-- Lauré Smith, North Hollywood, Ca.

“Give us this day our jelly bread.”
(Correct version: “Give us this day our daily bread.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Very close veins.”
(Correct version: “Varicose veins.”)
-- Anonymous

“Mary, Mary, quite contrary,/How does your garden grow?/With silver bells
And Taco Bells,/And pretty maids all in a bow.”
(Correct version: “Mary, Mary, quite contrary,/How does your garden grow?/With silver bells and cockleshells,/And pretty maids all in a row.”)
-- Mabird

“One naked individual.”
(Correct version—this was before the words “under God” were added to the Pledge in the ’50s: “One nation indivisible.”)
-- Kendy Wilson

“In the name of the Father, the Son and the holy goat.”
(Correct version: “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the holy ghost.”)
-- Diana C

“Hail, Mary, full of grapes.”
(Correct version: “Hail, Mary, full of grace.”)
-- Bess Metcalf

“Hail Mary, full of grace, how does your garden grow?”
(Correct wording: “Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.”)
-- Chris

“Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name.”
(Correct version: “Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.”)
-- Bess Metcalf

“Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”
(Correct version: “Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.”)
-- Bess Metcalf

“Our Father Which art in heaven, Harold be Thy name.”
(Correct wording: “Our Father Which art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.”)
-- Sohli Dalal

“Our Father, Who does art in heaven.”
(Correct wording: “Our Father Who art in heaven.”)
-- Anonymous

“And forgive us our trash baskets,/As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
(Correct wording: “And forgive us our trespasses/As we forgive those who trespass against us.”)
-- Anonymous

“Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses.”
(Correct version: “Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses.”)
-- Bess Metcalf

“Give us this day our jelly bread.”
(Correct version: “Give us this day our daily bread.”)
-- Bess Metcalf

“He suffered under a bunch of violets.”
(Correct version: “He suffered under Pontius Pilate.”)
-- Bess Metcalf

Too Much Time on Your Hands

You know you have too much free time when you do something like this. Time to get a job!


Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Latte Art

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDZs__m5iAI

Python madness at its finest.

Since I had a dream about Monty Python last night (amazingly enough it wasn't as weird as what normally goes on in their skits) I thought it only appropriate to dredge up another clip, this one about arguments. Enjoy.

AN ITALIAN TOMATOE GARDEN

Credit: Unknown.
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard, misunderstood song lyrics, sayings, quotations, and the like


“Olive, the other reindeer,”
(Actual lyric: “All of the other reindeer”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Round John Virgin, mother and child.”
(Actual lyric: “Round yon virgin mother and child”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Oh atom bomb, oh atom bomb.”
(Actual lyric: “O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum.”)
-- Anonymous

“I led the pigeons to the flag of the United States of America.”
(Correct words: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.”)
-- Marveen

“I pledge the pigeons to the flag of the United States of America.”
(Correct words: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.”)
-- Richard Lederer

56 Fun Things to do in Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

10. Play with the automatic doors.

11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"

13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

14. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

18. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

21. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

29. Take bets on the battle described above.

30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

32. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."

34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

35. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

36. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

37. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e:
"How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions."

40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

54. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Work with what you've got

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Bubba.

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Funny Shopping Bags

Credit: Where I Got This: http://www.oddee.com/item_95373.aspx

It's no longer a secret hide-a-way

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Eddie Izzard on Star Wars.

I love this guy. You will, too, especially if you enjoy Star Wars. Keep in mind that there's some harsh language in it, but it's all in good fun.

THREE MEN AND A GENIE

Credit: Jokes.com/Comedy Central

Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, ''You will each get one wish.''
The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter.
The genie turned him into a woman.

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Misunderstood, mis-heard song lyrics, quotations, sayings, and such

“Jose can you see,”
(Actual lyric: “Oh,say can you see,”)
-- Murphy

”Oh, the ramrods we washed/Were so gallantly steaming.”
(Actual lyric: “O’er the ramparts we watched/Were so gallantly streaming.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Grapefruit through the night/That our flag was still rare.”
(Actual lyric: “Gave proof through the night/That our flag was still there.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“’Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”
(Actual lyric: “’Scuse me while I kiss the sky.”)
-- B. Hunt, and Marge, whose contributions arrived simultaneously

“The girl with colitis goes by.”
(Actual lyric: “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Don’t go out tonight. There’s a bathroom on the right.”
(Actual lyric: “Don’t go out tonight. There’s a bad moon on the rise.”)
-- Russ Jernigan

“Through the night, with the light from a bulb.”
(Actual lyric: “Through the night, with the light from above.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear.”
(Actual title: “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear.”)
-- Phyrie

“Later on, we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.”
(Actual lyric: “Later on, we’ll conspire, as we dream by the fire.”)
-- C.M.

Time for some hard love

When a son, angry that his father had ordered him to clean up his room, screamed at Dad and threw a plate of food across the dinner table, Dad called 911. The son is 28-year-old Andrew Mizsak, who lives rent-free with his parents in the Cleveland suburb of Bedford, Ohio, and is a member of the Bedford School Board (and whose mom is a city councilwoman). After police arrived, the habitually untidy son apologized and, according to their report, "was sent to his room to clean it. He was crying uncontrollably." Subsequently, the school board punished Andrew by removing two of his duties. [Plain Dealer (Cleveland), 5-17-09]

Credit: weirduniverse.com

Cat Food Fail

The last time I checked, felines were carnivores. But nice picture of a jellical cat.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.thegoodliferecipe.com:80/food-for-cats/

Japanese Game Shows.

They seldom make any sense, but man are they funny. So much so that you don't even need to know Japanese to watch 'em. The best is the big dude who just breaks the thing.

WHERE INTELLIGENCE COMES FROM

Credit: Jokes.com/Comedy Central

SON: "Dad, where did all my intelligence come from?"

FATHER: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still got mine."

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Misheard, misunderstood song lyrics, qotes, sayings, etc


“With the jelly toast proclaim,”
(Actual lyric: “With th’ angelic host proclaim,”)
-- Richard Lederer

“On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me…”
(Actual lyric: “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Walkin’ in a woman’s underwear.”
(Actual lyric: “Walkin’ in a winter wonderland.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“Later on, wilke and spire.”
(Actual lyric: “Later on, we’ll conspire.”)
-- Marcia from San Diego, CA

“Here to stay is the nude bird.”
(Actual lyric: “Here to stay is a new bird.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“He’s making a list, chicken and rice.”
(Actual lyric: “He’s making a list and checkin’ it twice.”)
-- Stan Kegel

“While shepherds walked their fox by night.”
(Actual lyric: “While shepherds watched their flocks by night.”)
-- Anonymous

“While shepherds washed their socks by night.”
(Actual lyric: “While shepherds watched their flocks by night.”)
-- Betty Ross-Robinson

“God rescues merry gentlemen.”
(Actual lyric: “God rest ye merry, gentlemen.”)
--Jean Turner

Don't mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


Credit: Unknown

Hammer Pants Dance

Just when you thought it was safe to go buy skinny jeans at your favorite upscale boutique . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfxCnZ4Dp3c

More terrible jokes.

Gotta love 'em.

* Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl?
* There was a restraining order.

* What do you call epileptic lettuce?
* Seizure salad.

* What do you get when you cross a cobra tamer and a playwright?
* William Snakespeare

* How did the hermit pay for his home?
* Alone.

* What do you call a dead magician's assistant?
* An abracadaver.

* What do you call the Association of Blood Donors?
* The IV League.

* How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary?
* With a warlock.

* Why did the baker bake more bread?
* He kneaded the dough.

* How do spies send secret messages in a forest?
* By moss code.

* What do you call a spooky waterway?
* The Eerie Canal.

* Why do fish live in saltwater?
* Pepper makes them sneeze.

Credit: Really Bad Jokes.

TICKET SALES

Credit: Jokes.com/Comedy Central

A little kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in. A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket.
The man at the counter asks, "Why do you want another one?"
The kid replies, "Because that man over there ripped the first one in half."

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard, misunderstood song lyrics, quotations, sayings, and the like

“Outside the snow is falling,/And friends are calling, ‘You fool!’”
(Actual lyric: “Outside the snow is falling,/And friends are calling, ‘You-hoo!’”)
-- Anonymous

“We free kings of Oregon are.”
(Actual lyric: “We three kings of Orient are.”)
-- Anonymous

“King forever, seasoned leather.”
(Actual lyric: “King forever, ceasing never.”)
-- Anonymous

“Mere is mighty bitter perfume.”
(Actual lyric: “Myrrh is mine. Its bitter perfume….”)
-- Anonymous

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the wands I used to know.”
(Actual lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the ones I used to know.”)
-- Anonymous

“In the meadow we can build a snowman,/Then pretend that he is sparse and brown.”
(Actual lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman,/Then pretend that he is Parson Brown.”)
-- Anonymous

“In the meadow weevils built a snowman.”
(Actual lyric: “In the meadow we will build a snowman.”)
-- Gary Hallock

“Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.”
(Actual lyric: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”)
-- Anonymous

“You’ll tell Carol, ‘Be a skunk, I require.’”
(Actual lyric: “Yuletide carols being sung by a fire.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Hark and Harold, angels, sing.”
(Actual lyric: “Hark, the herald angels sing.”)
-- Betsy

20 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Misc-Jokes/101-Ways-To-Annoy-People.html

Most annoying sound in the world.

It might be short and it might be REALLY annoying, but lord is it funny.



Credit: Dumb and Dumber.

SUPERMARKET TANTRUMS

Credit: Unknown. Jokes.com/Comedy Central

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies.
The mother says, "Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go -- don't throw a fit. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, "There, there, Missy, don't cry. Two more aisles, and we'll be checking out."
When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for the gum. The mother says, reassuringly, "Missy, we'll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he says.
The mother sighs, "Oh, no -- my little girl's name is Francine. I'm Missy."

A MOTLEY MELANGE OF MONDEGREENS

Mondegreens: Mis-heard misunderstood song lyrics, quotes, sayings, and such

“We three kings of porridge and tar.”
(Actual lyric: “We three kings of Orient are.”)
-- Richard Lederer

“Joy to the world!/The Lord has gum.”
(Actual lyric: “Joy to the world,/The Lord is come.”)
-- Anonymous

“Here came the white men from Orioles’ land.”
(Actual lyric: “Here came the wise men from Orient land.”)
-- Anonymous

“Sing, choirs of angels./Sing on eggs all stationed.”
(Actual lyric: “Sing, choirs of angels./Sing in exaltation.”)
-- Anonymous

“The kids and girls in boy land.”
(Actual lyric: “The kids in girl and boy land.”)
-- C.M.

“They’re going to build a toilet down.”
(“They’re going to build a toyland town”)
-- Anonymous

“Round John Virgin, mother, and child.”
(Actual lyric: “Round yon Virgin mother and child.”)
-- Anonymous

“Round yon Virgin, margarine child.”
(Actual lyric: “Round yon virgin mother and child.”)
-- Anonymous

“Love your virgin, mother and child”
(Actual lyric: “Round yon mother virgin and child.”)
-- Evelyne

“Sleep in heavenly peas.”
(Actual lyric: “Sleep in heavenly peace.”)
-- Anonymous