Whale or Mermaid?

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It read, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

"To Whom It May Concern, Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They plan and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world. Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close the them. Not to mention, how could they have sex? Just look at them...where it IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fishery? The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale!"

Here's to whales everywhere!


Credit: Unknown.

Girl's Night Out

Oldie, but a goodie!

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised
my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and
the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I
headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would
probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when
totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The
next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him
"midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."

Credit: Unknown.

Yearly Physical

So I went to the doctor for my yearly physical today.

The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.

"135," I said.

The nurse put me on the scale. ~ Turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"

"5 foot 7," I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"... hmph...

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.


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Estrogen Issues

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Credit: Unknown.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Credit: Unknown.

A Rejoinder to Friday's Post

Credit: George Moyer

Having read Cynthia's suggestion here on Friday that the gals give each other feedback on "recycled men," I have a few thoughts of my own! We guys have picked our share of lemons from the lemon tree, and I think what we need is a place where we can not only warn off other guys about them but also advertise to get rid of them. You know the expression, One man's trash is another man's treasure. Or, to paraphrase Henny Youngman: Take my old girlfriend--please!

Having recently divested myself of just such a horror story, I'll be happy to lead off with the first ad. Got a question for me about all this? You can find me easily--I'm the one dancing through the streets exuberantly yelling, "Free! Free! I'm free!"

Men: Are you looking for that someone special? Well, keep looking because I have just the one you don't want.This girl was once the catch of the day, but then just like a three-day-old fish...whew!!! She will throw out the lure and reel you in, and then it is over. She can romp and play, but the price is high. All of your wordly deeds will be brought out to be aired, and you will have to listen to diatribes on how you should be. If you are a hunter, you may actually want this person, as she is known as one of the world's most dogged stalkers. If you like to watch girls, then watch her strut in the mall. If this girl sounds neat, contact me at: 1 800 IAM DONE.

-- George Moyer

Three Wise Women

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Mammogram Training

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AMwhen the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And

When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!


Credit: Unknown.

Key to a successful marriage

A couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded “When we were first married, we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”

“But do you know what I just realized?”

“In 60 years of marriage I don’t think we have ever needed to make a major decision.”.

Credit: Unknown.

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think..what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!


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Differences in Men and Women

There are many differences between men and women. One of the big differences is the meaning that different words have to men and women. As one can imagine this leads to all sorts of communication problems between men and women. Take a look at the list below to read just a small sample of how different the meanings of words can be.


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female...... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



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Newest Medications for Women

Newest Medications for Women :

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a
better person ...can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


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