A busload of older couples, on their way to or from Vegas, probably, goes over a cliff. Tragic!
Anyway, they’re all queued up at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter consults his clipboard and says to the first man: Well, I see you’ve led an exemplary life…given to charity, kind to animals…but you obviously value money more than you love God, or you wouldn’t have married a woman called Penny. So, I’m sorry, the down escalator is just there to your right.
Next gentleman: Well, I see you’ve led an exemplary life…Peace Corps, ACLU member…but
you obviously love food more than you love God, or you wouldn’t have married a woman called Candy. So, I’m sorry, the down escalator is just there to your left.
About 3 couples back in line, the man says to his wife “Oh well, let’s get outta here, Fanny!”
Credit: Unknown. (If this joke belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Monday, August 31, 2009
More bloopers.
This time, though, they're from Pirates of the Caribbean. I went out and got the larger versions of each of the movies JUST to watch these bloopers, and then I find out they're all on YouTube anyway. Depressing. (These are all from the first movie.)
Wild Blue Yonder
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Now That's What I Call A Truck!
Talk about your great advertising! Imagine seeing one of these heading your way. Makes you do a double take, especially with the one where it appears he is driving backwards. My favorite though is the beer truck. I'd follow that truck all the way to the factory!
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Funny Nuns
Who says nuns don't have a sense of humor?
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
John Cleese on The Muppet Show
I like how he goes after Kermit at the end . . . This was filmed in 1977.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyMCG0dWeQA
Friends bloopers.
I've been watching this show a lot lately, for some reason, and somehow the cast screwing up is even better than the proper material. Enjoy.
The Wild Blue Yonder
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway andslowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- I was dropping things and didn't land."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway andslowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- I was dropping things and didn't land."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Remember Hollywood Squares?
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Credit: Unknown.
House Tree Fail
All I wanna know is what were they thinking . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.failpix.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/house_tree_fail1.jpg
Japanese game show.
I'm sure they have some normal ones, too, but everything we end up seeing is always so physical. Hilariously so, too, so keep it up, Japan.
Credit: Unknown. (I can't read Japanese script so I haven't a clue what this is called. If you can identify the show,click here to tell us.)
Credit: Unknown. (I can't read Japanese script so I haven't a clue what this is called. If you can identify the show,click here to tell us.)
The Wild Blue Yonder
from Australian Aviation Magazine
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back; then they get bigger again.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back; then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Why It's Nice To Be A Dog
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
More weird inventions.
These ones are, overall, a bit better than the last batch I showed you. With a few exceptions that're just plain strange. Including...
The bizarre stairs! (I'd like one of these.)
The springy bed! (Obvious uses.)
The 95 cm belt! (Great for those on diets.)
The double-necked bottle! (Great for bartenders.)
And, my personal favorite, the breast coffin! (In this world of silicone, such an invention was bound to pop up eventually.)
Credit: Weird Inventions.
The bizarre stairs! (I'd like one of these.)
The springy bed! (Obvious uses.)
The 95 cm belt! (Great for those on diets.)
The double-necked bottle! (Great for bartenders.)
And, my personal favorite, the breast coffin! (In this world of silicone, such an invention was bound to pop up eventually.)
Credit: Weird Inventions.
JEST FOR FUN- - Religious humor
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, “We’re going to die! We’re going to die! There’s no food! No water! We’re going to Die!”
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. “Don’t you understand? We’re going to die!”
The second man replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000.00 a week.”
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make? We’re on an island with no food and no water! We’re going to DIE!!!”
The second man answered, “You just don’t get it. I make $100,000.00 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000.00 a week.
My pastor will find me!”
**
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “AMEN, BROTHER!”When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “PREACH IT, REVEREND!” And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!” But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”
**
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
**
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said,"Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied,"No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
**
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was not a Catholic but a fundamentalist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers.
The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looked up and said, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. “Don’t you understand? We’re going to die!”
The second man replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000.00 a week.”
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make? We’re on an island with no food and no water! We’re going to DIE!!!”
The second man answered, “You just don’t get it. I make $100,000.00 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000.00 a week.
My pastor will find me!”
**
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “AMEN, BROTHER!”When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “PREACH IT, REVEREND!” And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!” But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”
**
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
**
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said,"Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied,"No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
**
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was not a Catholic but a fundamentalist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers.
The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looked up and said, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Marriage Counseling
Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
Jacqueline to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I've got golf.
Credit: Unknown.
Odin the Siberian Tiger Cools Off
Caption: "Odin, a white Bengal tiger, swims with his eyes wide open as he dives under water for a piece of meat at Odin's Temple of the Tiger exhibit at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, Vallejo, California, on July 23, 2009. In the wild, all of the big cat species will dive under water to get its prey or just cool off."
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.upi.com/News_Photos/gallery/Animals-Cool-Down-at-Six-Flags/2128/
JEST FOR FUN
Sue was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the most successful, etc. And Sue wondered if she was going to get a prize too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. “Sue, you win with 11 kids.” and then, trying to be clever, he added, “and champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin.”
“Don’t bother with the aspirin,” Sue replied. “It’s obvious with this many kids that I’ve never had a headache.”
“Don’t bother with the aspirin,” Sue replied. “It’s obvious with this many kids that I’ve never had a headache.”
Monday, August 24, 2009
A new brand of criminal.
And a bad one, at that. Considering everything he does I can't help but wonder if this was possibly staged. He's just... so... BAD at it...
Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Lawyer-Jokes/Smartest-Man-in-the-World.html
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Lawyer-Jokes/Smartest-Man-in-the-World.html
JEST FOR FUN
An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard.
"Hello."
"Hello."
"I came here to have my watch fixed."
"Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel."
"What's a Mohel?"
"A Mohel is a Jewish man who performs ritual circumcisions."
"But why do you have all those clocks in the window?"
"What would you want me to have in my window?"
"Hello."
"Hello."
"I came here to have my watch fixed."
"Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel."
"What's a Mohel?"
"A Mohel is a Jewish man who performs ritual circumcisions."
"But why do you have all those clocks in the window?"
"What would you want me to have in my window?"
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Classical Chicken
A classic from The Muppet Show.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob6TTU1knUM
Hark! A Vagrant.
And that's not just a statement. It's the name of a webcomic that I've been reading for quite a while now. Extremely clever and well worth your time if you're into anything even remotely historical. Here are a few of my favs.
Credit: Hark! A Vagrant.
Credit: Hark! A Vagrant.
The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the captain and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and that she will not move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I am going to sit right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won’t listen to reason.
The captain says, “You say she’s blonde? I will handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First Class isn’t going to Houston “
The blonde replies: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the captain and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and that she will not move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I am going to sit right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won’t listen to reason.
The captain says, “You say she’s blonde? I will handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First Class isn’t going to Houston “
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Italian from New Jersey
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the Hell can't they play at night?
Credit: Unknown.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the Hell can't they play at night?
Credit: Unknown.
ANOTHER SENIOR DRIVER
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.....both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red this time, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through still again.
The women in the passenger seat turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.....both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red this time, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through still again.
The women in the passenger seat turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
JEST FOR FUN
Credit: Puns of the Day
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children
do problems on the blackboard that day.
“Who would like to do the first problem, addition?” she asked.
No one raised their hand.
She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
“Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?”
Students hid their faces.
She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion
his girlfriend, Lisa, whispered it to him.
“Who would like to do the third problem, division?”
Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at
nothing in particular.
The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.
“Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?”
Johnny’s hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.
Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.
“Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?”
“The Bible says to go fourth and multiply!”
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children
do problems on the blackboard that day.
“Who would like to do the first problem, addition?” she asked.
No one raised their hand.
She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
“Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?”
Students hid their faces.
She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion
his girlfriend, Lisa, whispered it to him.
“Who would like to do the third problem, division?”
Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at
nothing in particular.
The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.
“Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?”
Johnny’s hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.
Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.
“Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?”
“The Bible says to go fourth and multiply!”
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Cat Traps Are Working
Works every time . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Do you wanna date MY avatar?
Hopefully not, since I don't play MMORPGs anymore. If anybody out there DOES, however - and I wouldn't be surprised to learn a few of you like World of Warcraft - then you'll enjoy this song. Very amusing.
SENIOR DRIVER
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
JEST FOR FUN
Credit: Puns of the Day
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.” As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for 3 days.”
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.” As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for 3 days.”
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased .. . . .. . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....
Credit: Unknown.
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased .. . . .. . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....
Credit: Unknown.
Father Guido Sarducci's Five Minute University
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO8x8eoU3L4
OLD FRIENDS
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
JEST FOR FUN
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Stupid inventions.
I have to admit, most of these are pretty dumb. Especially the first one. Couldn't you, ah, kill yourself if you accidentally fell forward?
(That said, the butter stick is rather ingenious. Just don't get it mixed up with a glue stick.)
(That said, the butter stick is rather ingenious. Just don't get it mixed up with a glue stick.)
DOWN AT THE CENTER
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
JEST FOR FUN
From a retired soldier:
I was stationed on Leyte during World War II. Although the region was secure, sometimes the enemy tried to infiltrate our food-storage area. One such adversary, dressed in GI clothing, once worked himself into the noontime chow line. Our camp cook spotted him, reached under the serving table for his pistol and yelled for the MPs who were patrolling the area. After it was all over, we asked the cook how he knew the man was an enemy soldier. "I figured it wasn't one of you guys," he said, "'cause he was coming back for seconds."
I was stationed on Leyte during World War II. Although the region was secure, sometimes the enemy tried to infiltrate our food-storage area. One such adversary, dressed in GI clothing, once worked himself into the noontime chow line. Our camp cook spotted him, reached under the serving table for his pistol and yelled for the MPs who were patrolling the area. After it was all over, we asked the cook how he knew the man was an enemy soldier. "I figured it wasn't one of you guys," he said, "'cause he was coming back for seconds."
Talking to Americans.
For you teeming American masses out there, this is a taste of what we Canadians watch. Don't take too much offense, we just like poking fun at your ignorance of our culture. Oh how I love Rick Mercer.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Obama Golf Rules Changes
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from
the club/course played
The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:
- for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
- between 11 and 18 no additional amount
- above 18 you will divide the total amount in the pot
(and you do not even have to play).
The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement putt”
and will be used as follows:
- handicaps below 10, no entitlements
- handicaps abov e 11 to 17, entitlements for putter-length putts
- handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt; just pick it up
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring
so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or
six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have
not yet scored a birdie or par.
Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player
making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score
again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above
purposes but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring
those players with handicaps 18 and above.
This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning
by making sure that in every competition the
'above 18' handicap players will post
only 'net score' against every other
player's gross score.
Per Obama.
“These new Rules are intended
to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about fairness only,
and have nothing to do with ability.”
Credit: Unknown.
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from
the club/course played
The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:
- for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
- between 11 and 18 no additional amount
- above 18 you will divide the total amount in the pot
(and you do not even have to play).
The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement putt”
and will be used as follows:
- handicaps below 10, no entitlements
- handicaps abov e 11 to 17, entitlements for putter-length putts
- handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt; just pick it up
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring
so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or
six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have
not yet scored a birdie or par.
Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player
making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score
again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above
purposes but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring
those players with handicaps 18 and above.
This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning
by making sure that in every competition the
'above 18' handicap players will post
only 'net score' against every other
player's gross score.
Per Obama.
“These new Rules are intended
to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about fairness only,
and have nothing to do with ability.”
Credit: Unknown.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Frozen Parrot
A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor.
On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.
On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:
"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"
Credit: www.mustsharejokes.com
On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.
On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:
"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"
Credit: www.mustsharejokes.com
Friday, August 14, 2009
Poor newspaper headlines.
Some newsmen just don't think their writing through. Enjoy.
* 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
* After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
* Air Head Fired
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV)
* Blind Bishop Appointed to See
* Body Search Reveals $4,000 in Crack (from the Jackson Citizen-Patriot, Michigan)
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (from the Louisville Courier Journal)
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
* Deer Kill 17,328 (Damn it, who keeps selling guns to those deer?)
* Disciples of Christ Name Interim Leader (from Los Angeles Times) (Apparently they got tired of waiting for Christ to return...)
* Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84. (They were paid for being drunk? I want that job!)
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax (First it's the deer, now it's the cows. Disarm those cows now!)
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Farmer Bill Dies in House
* Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (from the Providence Journal)(They grow 'em bic in Providence.)
* Include your Children When Baking Cookies
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award (from the Buffalo News)
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Yum! Eat those kids, and reduce the population.)
* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (from the Post News)
* L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
* Lack of brains hinders research (The Columbus Dispatch, April 16)
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
* Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice (In my experience, they give poor paid legal advice, too.)
* Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
* Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (Is he suggesting adding torture and quartering to it?)
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (From the Valley News)
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing (from The Sun)
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* March Planned For Next August
* Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)
* Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
* Miners Refuse to Work After Death
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
* Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy (And based on this headline, they are succeeding.)
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (from The Overland News)
* Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff (Bet that hurt!)
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00 (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)
* Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped (from The Times, in the U.K.)
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan (Those bodies, always complaining...)
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Stud Tires Out
* Study: Long-Term Marijuana Use Harms Mermory (from Daily Hampshire Gazette of Northhampton, Massachusetts) Apparently it's rough on spelling, too.)
* Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents (Thus making them Siamese twins parents...?)
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids (Mo less than they deserve...)
* Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says
* Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung (Headline from the Oakland Tribune)
* Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter (This shortage of checkout workers must be ended.)
* Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (In the cemetery? Weren't they already dead?)
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
* Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel (Atlanta Journal Constitution headline) (Ever drill an INTERESTING sewer tunnel?)
Credit: Bad Newspaper Headlines.
* 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
* After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
* Air Head Fired
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV)
* Blind Bishop Appointed to See
* Body Search Reveals $4,000 in Crack (from the Jackson Citizen-Patriot, Michigan)
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (from the Louisville Courier Journal)
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
* Deer Kill 17,328 (Damn it, who keeps selling guns to those deer?)
* Disciples of Christ Name Interim Leader (from Los Angeles Times) (Apparently they got tired of waiting for Christ to return...)
* Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84. (They were paid for being drunk? I want that job!)
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax (First it's the deer, now it's the cows. Disarm those cows now!)
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Farmer Bill Dies in House
* Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (from the Providence Journal)(They grow 'em bic in Providence.)
* Include your Children When Baking Cookies
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award (from the Buffalo News)
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Yum! Eat those kids, and reduce the population.)
* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (from the Post News)
* L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
* Lack of brains hinders research (The Columbus Dispatch, April 16)
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
* Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice (In my experience, they give poor paid legal advice, too.)
* Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
* Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (Is he suggesting adding torture and quartering to it?)
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (From the Valley News)
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing (from The Sun)
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* March Planned For Next August
* Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)
* Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
* Miners Refuse to Work After Death
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
* Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy (And based on this headline, they are succeeding.)
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (from The Overland News)
* Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff (Bet that hurt!)
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00 (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)
* Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped (from The Times, in the U.K.)
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan (Those bodies, always complaining...)
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Stud Tires Out
* Study: Long-Term Marijuana Use Harms Mermory (from Daily Hampshire Gazette of Northhampton, Massachusetts) Apparently it's rough on spelling, too.)
* Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents (Thus making them Siamese twins parents...?)
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids (Mo less than they deserve...)
* Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says
* Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung (Headline from the Oakland Tribune)
* Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter (This shortage of checkout workers must be ended.)
* Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (In the cemetery? Weren't they already dead?)
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
* Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel (Atlanta Journal Constitution headline) (Ever drill an INTERESTING sewer tunnel?)
Credit: Bad Newspaper Headlines.
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