Poor newspaper headlines.

Some newsmen just don't think their writing through. Enjoy.

* 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
* After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
* Air Head Fired
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV)
* Blind Bishop Appointed to See
* Body Search Reveals $4,000 in Crack (from the Jackson Citizen-Patriot, Michigan)
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (from the Louisville Courier Journal)
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
* Deer Kill 17,328 (Damn it, who keeps selling guns to those deer?)
* Disciples of Christ Name Interim Leader (from Los Angeles Times) (Apparently they got tired of waiting for Christ to return...)
* Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84. (They were paid for being drunk? I want that job!)
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax (First it's the deer, now it's the cows. Disarm those cows now!)
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Farmer Bill Dies in House
* Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (from the Providence Journal)(They grow 'em bic in Providence.)
* Include your Children When Baking Cookies
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award (from the Buffalo News)
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Yum! Eat those kids, and reduce the population.)
* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (from the Post News)
* L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
* Lack of brains hinders research (The Columbus Dispatch, April 16)
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
* Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice (In my experience, they give poor paid legal advice, too.)
* Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
* Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (Is he suggesting adding torture and quartering to it?)
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (From the Valley News)
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing (from The Sun)
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* March Planned For Next August
* Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)
* Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
* Miners Refuse to Work After Death
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
* Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy (And based on this headline, they are succeeding.)
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (from The Overland News)
* Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff (Bet that hurt!)
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00 (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)
* Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped (from The Times, in the U.K.)
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan (Those bodies, always complaining...)
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Stud Tires Out
* Study: Long-Term Marijuana Use Harms Mermory (from Daily Hampshire Gazette of Northhampton, Massachusetts) Apparently it's rough on spelling, too.)
* Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents (Thus making them Siamese twins parents...?)
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids (Mo less than they deserve...)
* Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says
* Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung (Headline from the Oakland Tribune)
* Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter (This shortage of checkout workers must be ended.)
* Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (In the cemetery? Weren't they already dead?)
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
* Workers Finish Boring Sewer Tunnel (Atlanta Journal Constitution headline) (Ever drill an INTERESTING sewer tunnel?)

Credit: Bad Newspaper Headlines.