NEW SEWERY RHYMES AND FAIRLY TALES (cont'd)

by Cynthia MacGregor


(Cont’d from yesterday)


Robin Hood was a famous bird who wore a bag over his head. His tiny bathroom became famous throughout the land—everyone heard about Robin Hood’s little john. His enemy was the sheriff of Nodding Ham, a pig who kept falling asleep.

A fictional character who kept making people gasp in surprise was the Wizard of Ahs. When Dorothy realized it was all done with mirrors, she decided to recycle her bottles and Kansas and go back where she came from. The Good Fairy, an Alaskan, had her repeat, “There’s no place like Nome,” while clicking the ruby slippers together. Then she sailed home in a ruby yacht, with Omar Khayyam piloting it. She told him to go to helm, but he got her home safely anyhow. The Seven Dwarfs raised an objection, saying that a Nome is a little person like them, and not a place, but the Good Witch told them to get back to their own book and leave Dorothy alone. When Dorothy clicked the ruby slippers together, she injured her toe-toe, but she put on a brave face and said she was fine, even though she was usually cowardly at lyin’. She was accompanied on her trip to Ahs by a scarecrow and ten men.

Ariel cleaned houses for a living, but the prince (another one!) fell in love with her even though she was a mere maid.

Pinocchio said he wanted to be a real little boy, but he wooden behave right. He asked the Staten Island Ferry—or was it the Blue Ferry?—maybe it was boat—for help. The ferry said every time he told a lie his nose would grow. Pinocchio said, “Hey, are you Jimmy Durante’s ferry, too?”

Peter was always cutting up pranks, and everyone agreed he was a real pain in the butt. So they called him Peter Pain. He lived on an Ireland. In spite of the Lost Buoys, ships could find safe harbor there, but planes could never never land. When de three kids came to live on the island, they were chased by engines, pilots, and a crock full of dials. It made for a very exciting existence, but eventually the Lost Boys and the three Darling children all missed having a Real Mother—Wendy was a good understudy, but not as good as the Real Thing. So they flew home (via KLM) and surprised their Nana, who yelled, “Hot dog!” when she saw them. Mr. Darling yelled a few things too, when he saw how many more mouths there were to feed.

Another character with too many mouths to feed appears in a famous nursery rhyme. The Old Woman had so many children she was always yelling “Shoo!”

Another famous character was a lyricist who sold hip-hop songs full of bad wordplay. Rap-Pun-Sell wore her hair in a ponytail that reached the floor. Folks from miles around said, “That’s quite a tale!” so she let down her hair and really partied.

Jack B. Nimble jumped over a candlestick—he was in training for the O. Limp Picks—and got the first recorded case of hot pants. He is probably not the same Jack who climbed the hill with Jill, since that one was obviously a prince—after all, he broke his crown.

The cow jumped, too—right over the moon. So let’s leave the cow mooning Jack and anticipate tomorrow’s entry.