Sun Bear
Tapir
Yeti Crab
White Faced Saki Monkey
Sucker Footed BatCredit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Saturday, October 31, 2009
World's Weirdest Animals Part 4
Sun BearTapirYeti CrabWhite Faced Saki MonkeySucker Footed BatCredit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Friday, October 30, 2009
Don't Mess with Seniors
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns & toast for $1.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
World's Weirdest Animals Part 3
Star Nosed Mole
Sloth
Pygmy MarmosetCredit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Happy National Cat Day!
Although you might have thought that every day was national cat day, now you know that you were wrong.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Problems in the army.
Some of these might have hurt - hopefully not - though most are pretty funny. Expensive, but pretty funny. (Feel free to turn down the music if it's not your taste. I suggest 'The Entertainer' as a substitute.)
Credit: The U.S. Army, I think.
Credit: The U.S. Army, I think.
JEST FOR FUN
A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday School with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." "Why not?" asked her astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
World's Weirdest Animals Part 2
Proboscis Monkey
Pink Fairy Armadillo
Komondor DogCredit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
JEST FOR FUN
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
World's Weirdest Animals Part 1
The Aye-aye
The Blobfish
The Angora RabbitCredit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
JEST FOR FUN
Little Tommy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Tommy. "Giving up?"
"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Tommy. "Giving up?"
Monday, October 26, 2009
Too Cute!
Cat and Deer - Best Friends
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Dog lover?
You should enjoy this.
--
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Credit: Good Dog Jokes.
--
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Credit: Good Dog Jokes.
Jest for Fun
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Jest for fun
After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a six-year- old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. "Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor... and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either!
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Another Blonde Joke
A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart!
Why Wal-Mart?
Helloooooooo!
Wal-Mart is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart!
Why Wal-Mart?
Helloooooooo!
Wal-Mart is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Everything Is Possible With Training And Practice
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eXsSluPNxY
JEST FOR FUN
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Two Trapped As Car Lodges In House Roof
The Holden Commodore became airborne after striking a concrete median strip. (AAP: Jason Donnelly)
Two men have been rescued after their car hit a dirt mound and became lodged in the roof of a Sydney home in which a couple and baby were sleeping.
The vehicle became airborne after striking a concrete median strip while travelling north along Sunnyholt Road in Parklea about 2:00am (AEDT) on Sunday, police said.
"The car continued on and knocked over a set of traffic control lights and a light pole before hitting a dirt mound," a police statement said.
"The vehicle then became airborne and landed on the roof of a home in Guernsey Way."
Two men - aged 24 and 21 - were trapped in the vehicle for a short time before being rescued by emergency workers.
They were taken to Westmead Hospital in a stable condition, police said.
Two adults and a three-month-old baby were asleep in the home at the time but were not injured.
"The vehicle was extracted from the roof using a crane and seized for forensic examination," police said.
[snip]
- AAP
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/10/18/2717134.htm
Since I'm about to get on one....
Here are some jokes about taking the bus.
--
A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. There's no room,' they said. 'It's full up!' 'But you must let me on!' shouted the man. 'Why, what's so special about you?' they asked. I'm the driver,' replied the man.
Teacher: Tommy Russell, you're late again. Tommy: Sorry, sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late. Teacher: Well, if it's late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.
Do buses and trains run on time? No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.
When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs? I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
As the bus came to the stop, the man at the front of the queue took out his eye, threw it up in the air and caught it before getting on the bus. An amazed conductor said, 'What on earth did you do that for?' 'I wanted to know if there was room on top,' replied the man.
'Is everyone in the bus?' asked the driver before he closed the door. 'No,' called a lady, 'wait until I get my clothes on.' All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.
--
Credit: Best Funny Jokes.
--
A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. There's no room,' they said. 'It's full up!' 'But you must let me on!' shouted the man. 'Why, what's so special about you?' they asked. I'm the driver,' replied the man.
Teacher: Tommy Russell, you're late again. Tommy: Sorry, sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late. Teacher: Well, if it's late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.
Do buses and trains run on time? No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.
When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs? I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
As the bus came to the stop, the man at the front of the queue took out his eye, threw it up in the air and caught it before getting on the bus. An amazed conductor said, 'What on earth did you do that for?' 'I wanted to know if there was room on top,' replied the man.
'Is everyone in the bus?' asked the driver before he closed the door. 'No,' called a lady, 'wait until I get my clothes on.' All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.
--
Credit: Best Funny Jokes.
MARRIAGE
Credit: Unknown.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman replied. "Tell me a little about your first three husbands and what they did for a living."
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, "I first married a banker when I was in my early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in my 40's, and a preacher when in my 60's, and now in my 80's, a funeral director."
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked, "Why have you married four men with such diverse careers?"
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman replied. "Tell me a little about your first three husbands and what they did for a living."
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, "I first married a banker when I was in my early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in my 40's, and a preacher when in my 60's, and now in my 80's, a funeral director."
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked, "Why have you married four men with such diverse careers?"
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Jest for Fun
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Laughing is healthy.
But maybe not to this extent.
Credit: Unknown. (If you have any idea what contest this is, click here to tell us.)
Credit: Unknown. (If you have any idea what contest this is, click here to tell us.)
Jest for Fun
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
SUNDAY SERVICE
Credit: Unknown.
One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out, "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing, "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "POWER."
The congregation sang, "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said, "SEX."
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "MEMORIES."
One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out, "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing, "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "POWER."
The congregation sang, "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said, "SEX."
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "MEMORIES."
Monday, October 19, 2009
A Day at the Beach in China
This is crazy! Is there even enough room for them all to get wet? How do they get any sun? Are there lifeguards? How do they keep the rows of umbrellas so straight? Would you go to the beach in China?
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
TWO TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Credit: Unknown.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
JEST FOR FUN - Quick Takes
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Estrogen Issues
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Credit: Unknown.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Credit: Unknown.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Mel Blanc with Johnny Carson
The voice of Bugs Bunny--I miss him.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGO0n5ui2xU
LIFE THOUGHTS
Credit: Unknown.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over 50 for Miss Universe ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over 50 for Miss Universe ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
JEST FOR FUN
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Bee Power
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
Wait for it.wait for it..
You're just gonna love this...
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
Wait for it.wait for it..
You're just gonna love this...
CONFESSION
Credit: Unknown.
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Jest for Fun
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened
to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote: "The
first mate was drunk today." He begged and pleaded to the captain to
remove that entry but the captain argued that once an entry was made
in the company's log it couldn't be deleted.
The first mate decided to get even. The next time it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote: "The captain was sober today."
The first mate decided to get even. The next time it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote: "The captain was sober today."
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Points to Ponder
Why is it that if you cross
the North Korean border
illegally, you get thrown
into prison and get
12 years of hard labor...
And if you cross the Iranian border
while out supposedly
leisurely hiking in the hills
you get arrested and imprisoned...
But if you cross
the U.S. border illegally
you get a drivers license,
a Social Security card
and free health care??
Credit: Unknown.
Weird inventions.
I really would love to meet this guy. He has some straaaaaange stuff.
Credit: Nobumichi Tosa.
Credit: Nobumichi Tosa.
AT THE CAFE
Credit: Unknown.
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent," the barman said.
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel,' the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent," the barman said.
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel,' the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
religion humor
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?"
"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "
"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Ole the Wrestler
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
Credit: Unknown.
Lame jokes.
You know you love 'em. (Funny how groaners are sometimes better than jokes MEANT to be good.)
What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.
Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)
What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.
What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.
What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish without being seen!
Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.
Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"
Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.
What did the dog say to the tree? bark.
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh
What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ".
What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture.
Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.
How to you organize a spacey party? You planet.
How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introduction.
How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises.
What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!!
Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!
What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!
What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing.
If a athlete get's athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe.
Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"
What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands."
How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.
--
Credit: Parenting Humor.
What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.
Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)
What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.
What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.
What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish without being seen!
Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.
Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"
Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.
What did the dog say to the tree? bark.
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh
What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ".
What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture.
Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.
How to you organize a spacey party? You planet.
How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introduction.
How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises.
What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!!
Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!
What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!
What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing.
If a athlete get's athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe.
Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"
What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands."
How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.
--
Credit: Parenting Humor.
THE STATUE
Credit: Unknown.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said.. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's house and nobody offered me a damned thing."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said.. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's house and nobody offered me a damned thing."
Church Bloopers
~ For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for
the children in school. When their meeting was cancelled one
week: There will be no Moms who care this week.
~ A woman's blouse was found at a table in the middle of the
usher appreciation dinner. If you lost your blouse, please
come to the church office.
~ A worm welcome to all who have come today.
~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information
sheep.
~ Diana and David request your presents at their wedding.
~ Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and
Easter.
~ We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
~ Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows.
~ Child care provided with reservations.
~ Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."
~ Were you there when they laid Him in the bomb?
~ Christ is a member of Boy Scout Troop 36.
~ Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
~ My joke is easy and my burden is light.
~ I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was
thirty and you gave me drink.
~ We are an autonomous body, operating under the hardship of
Jesus Christ.
~ The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday
evening at 7:30 p.m.
~ The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Baines.
~ Boars of Trustees meet after church today.
~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
~ Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour.
~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to
decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.
~ The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this
evening at 6:00 pm.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Jack Benny, Mel Blanc and Johnny Carson, 1974
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beMIl_jzRN0
Rowan Atkinson has done just about everything.
So here's his stint as a superhero. Fear the Spiderplant-Man. (Pardon the subtitles.)
JEST FOR FUN
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
SAVED FOR POSTERITY
Credit: Unknown.
A mortician was working late one nighT. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr.. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe,"he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!' the wife exclaimed. "Schwartz is dead!"
A mortician was working late one nighT. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr.. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe,"he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!' the wife exclaimed. "Schwartz is dead!"
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Dolphins Attack!
Lawsuit abuse is getting out of hand! A Chicago woman has taken lawsuit abuse to a whole new level by suing the Brookfield Zoo for reckless Dolphins.
"Allecyn Edwards sued the Chicago Zoological Society and the zoo because she claims they "recklessly and willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water at the spectators in the stands making the floor wet and slippery.""
Credit: Chicago Tribune
"Allecyn Edwards sued the Chicago Zoological Society and the zoo because she claims they "recklessly and willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water at the spectators in the stands making the floor wet and slippery.""
Credit: Chicago Tribune
Friday, October 9, 2009
Do you like a good woody word?
Or do you prefer those ghastly tinny ones? If the latter, I'm afraid we must part on bad terms. Sorry.
Credit: Monty Python.
Credit: Monty Python.
While Humans Are Away . . .
Ollie the Pug
I'm not quite sure what shenanigans Ollie the Pug gets up to when we're at work. But the evidence points to a doggy equivalent of a Roman orgy.
By the time we leave for work in the morning, Ollie will have been walked, watered and fed. He'll seem relatively placid. He will either (1) lie down on a plaid quilt on the couch, or (2) sit obediently on the window seat and solemnly regard us as we walk down the garden path.
But sometimes, when we return, the house is in disarray. Ollie will have upended his cot, the one decorated with cute Dalmatian paw prints. His water dish will have been flung on its side, his chew toys scattered askew, the venetian blinds yanked into disarray.
[snip]
Why do pets indulge in such bad craziness? It reminds me of a TV clip I once saw, provided by the owners of a wayward Lab. This dog was carefully trained not to prance about on living room couches and chairs. But its owners had a funny feeling their pet was, in their absence, breaking the all rules.
So they installed a video camera.
Just before Rover (I'll call him "Rover" to spare him public embarrassment) was left at home for the day, the dog would sit perfectly still in the middle of the living room. Nano-seconds after the door closed, he'd dash over to the window, tail wagging like a metronome. And then Rover would commence jumping on the couches and chairs like a maniac. He'd roll about, legs in the air, achieving some rarefied level of doggy nirvana.
The weirdest part is that Rover did not disrupt the arrangement of cushions on the couches and chairs.
When the front door opened upon the owners' return, Rover snapped out of his reverie, like a man roused from a three-day bender. He perched once again in the middle of the living room, unaware he'd been caught red-handed, thanks to the wonders of modern technology (not to mention the mildly disturbing paranoia of his owners).
[snip]
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.timescolonist.com/While+humans+away+will+play/2070576/story.html
JEST FOR FUN
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
DNA TIME
Credit: Unknown.
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest childhe had ever seeN.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "No, not this time!"
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest childhe had ever seeN.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "No, not this time!"
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Ad Game with Jesus and His Disciples
This is an improv game that was created by Del Close, who trained such comic geniuses as Steve Martin, Bill Murray, John Belushi, Martin Short, George Wendt and many others. The game is used to teach the improvisers that agreement is more funny than disagreement on stage. The Ad Game is played with six or eight actors, and the group is given five minutes to create an ad campaign for an ordinary product with an unusual quality. For example, cereal that plays music when milk is poured on it. The group must come up with a name for the product, a package design, a slogan, a spokesperson, and a jingle to create an entire marketing strategy and finished commercial. Naturally, the only way to do this in five minutes is through complete and total agreement. Every idea is accepted enthusiastically and remembered, each step is built off the previous idea. Over-acceptance of ideas is encouraged.
This is an example of an Ad Game played by some improvisers. The scene takes place between Jesus and his disciples in a brainstorming session for ideas to enhance the number of Jesus' followers.
They immediately agree that rumors of a couple of miracles would be helpful, and agree to say that his mother was a virgin (although some resist this idea, thinking it too unbelievable).
Judas has an idea for a jingle. He sings, "Silent Night, Holy Night/We're gonna rock around the clock tonight."
All the other disciples laugh and chide him for his musical ideas, especially his earlier suggestion for a musical play called "Godspell." He becomes angry and storms out. Trying in vain to get Judas to return, Jesus calls out to him, "Come on, Judas, turn the other cheek!"
Peter seizes this opportunity to use Jesus' statement as their new slogan. "After all," he says, "It's so much easier to understand than 'It is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to heaven."
All the disciples agree.
Now a spokesperson is needed. Simon shouts, "John the Baptist!"
"Yes," all agree. "There's a man with a head on his shoulders." (The audience groans here set off the Joke Alarm, warning the players not to get too "jokey.")
In heavy thought, Jesus paces back and forth across the room. He says, "We still need something else. Something big that will sell the crowd."
Meanwhile, the waitress begins removing the dinner dishes from the table. Noticing that Jesus' plate is still full, she asks, "Is he finished, or is he coming back?"
In unison, the disciples scream with delight, "HE'S COMING BACK!"
Using the Ad Game, the players rewrote biblical history.
Credit: Where I Got It: Truth in Comedy, by Charna Halpern, Del Close and Kim Johnson.
This is an example of an Ad Game played by some improvisers. The scene takes place between Jesus and his disciples in a brainstorming session for ideas to enhance the number of Jesus' followers.
They immediately agree that rumors of a couple of miracles would be helpful, and agree to say that his mother was a virgin (although some resist this idea, thinking it too unbelievable).
Judas has an idea for a jingle. He sings, "Silent Night, Holy Night/We're gonna rock around the clock tonight."
All the other disciples laugh and chide him for his musical ideas, especially his earlier suggestion for a musical play called "Godspell." He becomes angry and storms out. Trying in vain to get Judas to return, Jesus calls out to him, "Come on, Judas, turn the other cheek!"
Peter seizes this opportunity to use Jesus' statement as their new slogan. "After all," he says, "It's so much easier to understand than 'It is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to heaven."
All the disciples agree.
Now a spokesperson is needed. Simon shouts, "John the Baptist!"
"Yes," all agree. "There's a man with a head on his shoulders." (The audience groans here set off the Joke Alarm, warning the players not to get too "jokey.")
In heavy thought, Jesus paces back and forth across the room. He says, "We still need something else. Something big that will sell the crowd."
Meanwhile, the waitress begins removing the dinner dishes from the table. Noticing that Jesus' plate is still full, she asks, "Is he finished, or is he coming back?"
In unison, the disciples scream with delight, "HE'S COMING BACK!"
Using the Ad Game, the players rewrote biblical history.
Credit: Where I Got It: Truth in Comedy, by Charna Halpern, Del Close and Kim Johnson.
A GOLF GAME BY ANY OTHER NAME
Credit: Unknown.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and the dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you,' he replied. "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and the dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you,' he replied. "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Church Humor
Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
Bulletin: Your receipt for attending Mass.
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2O-ly.
Hymn: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional hymn: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, because most of the people have already left.
Incense: Holy smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with great basketball teams.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
Bulletin: Your receipt for attending Mass.
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2O-ly.
Hymn: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional hymn: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, because most of the people have already left.
Incense: Holy smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with great basketball teams.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Lego strikes again.
This time, though, it's combining with Rock Band and... David Bowie... wha? This was such a weird combination that I couldn't resist. (I want a Lego David Bowie.)
Credit: Some strange new Rock Band game.
Credit: Some strange new Rock Band game.
Why Chainmail Was Invented
Ain't it the truth . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
DOCTOR'S ORDERS
Credit: Unknown.
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.....I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.....I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
JEST FOR FUN
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or three for a
dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer
capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Three Old Ladies
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst
Credit: Unknown.
Shout out to all you Canadians.
You may be conflicted on his performance, but you have to admire Stephen Harper's gutsiness. He doesn't sound like the BEST singer in the world.
(For those of you not in the know, he's our Prime Minister.)
(For those of you not in the know, he's our Prime Minister.)
THE NEW WIFE
Credit: Unknown.
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!" the buddy replied.
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!" the buddy replied.
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
JEST FOR FUN - Quick Takes
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming Catholic
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Gently massaging the trick knee of his attractive young patient, the doctor inquired, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
During a visit with a friend at an assisted living center, I was invited to stay for lunch. As we entered the cafeteria, she leaned toward me and whispered, "They have two lines here. We call them cane and able."
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Gently massaging the trick knee of his attractive young patient, the doctor inquired, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
During a visit with a friend at an assisted living center, I was invited to stay for lunch. As we entered the cafeteria, she leaned toward me and whispered, "They have two lines here. We call them cane and able."
Monday, October 5, 2009
Dark humor at its finest.
True, this isn't necessarily MEANT to be funny, but a simulation about being a virus that spreads across the world has to draw a shocked chuckle or two.
Give Pandemic 2 a shot. It's so grossly realistic that not everybody will appreciate its aim, but those who can get past casually wiping out millions of people with a virus named after themselves will probably enjoy the game.
Credit: Crazy Monkey Games.
Give Pandemic 2 a shot. It's so grossly realistic that not everybody will appreciate its aim, but those who can get past casually wiping out millions of people with a virus named after themselves will probably enjoy the game.
Credit: Crazy Monkey Games.
Foghorn Leghorn in Mother Was A Rooster
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KKSK95lI1s
AS GOOD AS NEW
Credit: Unknown.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
JEST FOR FUN
Bob hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into
this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner,
so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You
look like Helen Brown."
"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"
"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"
Celebrity Jeopardy.
Anybody who's watched SNL over the years probably knows Celebrity Jeopardy. (Sean Connery remains my consistent favorite in all of them.) It's one of the funniest segments in any of the shows, and admittedly one of the few things of Colin Ferrell that I actually like.
No direct streaming on this one, unfortunately, but here's a link to a montage of some of the better moments. Be wary of the language as it gets a bit foul at times.
Credit: Saturday Night Live.
No direct streaming on this one, unfortunately, but here's a link to a montage of some of the better moments. Be wary of the language as it gets a bit foul at times.
Credit: Saturday Night Live.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Bubba's New Truck
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down main street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbie Sue gave it to me." Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened."
We were driving out on County Road 6 in the middle of nowhere. Bobbie Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4 wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
"Bubba, take whatever you want."
"So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!
Credit: Unknown.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbie Sue gave it to me." Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened."
We were driving out on County Road 6 in the middle of nowhere. Bobbie Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4 wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
"Bubba, take whatever you want."
"So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!
Credit: Unknown.
Friday, October 2, 2009
New Office Protocol From Management
| These guidelines are in effect immediately: SICK DAYS: |
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
JEST FOR FUN
A wife said to her husband, "If I die first. I want you to promise me
that in the funeral procession you'll let my mother ride in the first
car with you."
"Okay, if you insist," he replied. "But it will ruin my day."
"Okay, if you insist," he replied. "But it will ruin my day."
A LITTLE OLD MAN
Credit: Unknown.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he order a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No,"he replied, "Arthritis."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he order a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No,"he replied, "Arthritis."
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Quotes never get old.
So here are some more.
"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car."
- Safari park sign
"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride."
- St. Louis Disptach Headline (should have read "bridge.")
"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"I don't think we learned a lesson; I think it was a learning experience for us."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, after game 4 of the 2001 NBA finals, on being asked by NBC reporter Jim Gray if LA had learned a lesson from what happened the previous year in Indiana
"Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar."
- Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge
"After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."
- Sign in a British office.
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- Sign in Men's clothing store
"MIDNIGHT BOWLING SATURDAY AT 9 P.M."
- Sign outside bowling alley in Lakewood, CO
"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi
"This Is The Gate Of Heaven, Enter Ye All By This Door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
- Sign on church door
"We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)"
- Sign on door of repair shop
"I consider Madonna a friend, and she sure knows how to work the publicity machine. Of course, I don't have breasts. If I did have, I'd be in the number one spot over Madonna."
- Spike Lee, Director
"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride."
- St. Louis Post-Dispatch, headline (should have read "bridge')
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left winger, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
- Stuart Hall, Radio 5 live
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him."
- Stuart Pearson
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
- Stuart Pearce
"It's like their own personal equipment, like you have pens."
- General Syarwan Hamid of Indonasia, justifying why his soldiers carry loaded guns on the streets.
"The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush."
- Sylvestor Stallone, Actor
Credit: Amusing Facts.
"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car."
- Safari park sign
"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride."
- St. Louis Disptach Headline (should have read "bridge.")
"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"I don't think we learned a lesson; I think it was a learning experience for us."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, after game 4 of the 2001 NBA finals, on being asked by NBC reporter Jim Gray if LA had learned a lesson from what happened the previous year in Indiana
"Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar."
- Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge
"After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."
- Sign in a British office.
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- Sign in Men's clothing store
"MIDNIGHT BOWLING SATURDAY AT 9 P.M."
- Sign outside bowling alley in Lakewood, CO
"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi
"This Is The Gate Of Heaven, Enter Ye All By This Door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
- Sign on church door
"We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)"
- Sign on door of repair shop
"I consider Madonna a friend, and she sure knows how to work the publicity machine. Of course, I don't have breasts. If I did have, I'd be in the number one spot over Madonna."
- Spike Lee, Director
"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride."
- St. Louis Post-Dispatch, headline (should have read "bridge')
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left winger, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
- Stuart Hall, Radio 5 live
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him."
- Stuart Pearson
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
- Stuart Pearce
"It's like their own personal equipment, like you have pens."
- General Syarwan Hamid of Indonasia, justifying why his soldiers carry loaded guns on the streets.
"The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush."
- Sylvestor Stallone, Actor
Credit: Amusing Facts.
Worldwide Lover Ranking
A poll of 15,000 women rated the world's best and worst lovers. German men topped the worst list because they were deemed "too smelly," #2 England (too lazy), #3. Sweden (too quick) #4. Holland (too rough) Americans made it to #5 - too dominating! The Best? Spain, Brazil and Italy.
I leave you now to talk amongst yourselves . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6241440/German-men-are-worlds-worst-lovers-with-English-men-in-second-place.html
I leave you now to talk amongst yourselves . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6241440/German-men-are-worlds-worst-lovers-with-English-men-in-second-place.html
GET IT IN WRITING
Credit: Unknown.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks his wife.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she says.
"Sure," he says.
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
"No, I can remember it," he assures her.
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream," she adds. "I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she urges.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream......I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks his wife.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she says.
"Sure," he says.
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
"No, I can remember it," he assures her.
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream," she adds. "I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she urges.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream......I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
JEST FOR FUN
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what
the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts."
"Now you listen," the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts."
"Now you listen," the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."
Quotes galore!
Gotta love dumb quotes from famous people.
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"We didn't lose, we weren't beaten, we just came in second."
- U.S. commentators, after Canadian Donavon Bailey won the 100 metre gold medal at the 1996 Olympics
"FOR RENT: CONDOM... ONLY US$650."
- Ad in Jakarta Post, should have read Condo
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."
- Arab News report
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths."
- Frank Broyles, College football coach
"Sonny Liston has a very unusual injury, a dislocated soldier."
- Henry Cooper, BBC sportscaster
"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
Credit: Amusing Facts.
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"We didn't lose, we weren't beaten, we just came in second."
- U.S. commentators, after Canadian Donavon Bailey won the 100 metre gold medal at the 1996 Olympics
"FOR RENT: CONDOM... ONLY US$650."
- Ad in Jakarta Post, should have read Condo
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."
- Arab News report
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths."
- Frank Broyles, College football coach
"Sonny Liston has a very unusual injury, a dislocated soldier."
- Henry Cooper, BBC sportscaster
"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
Credit: Amusing Facts.
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