Here are some jokes about taking the bus.
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A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. There's no room,' they said. 'It's full up!' 'But you must let me on!' shouted the man. 'Why, what's so special about you?' they asked. I'm the driver,' replied the man.
Teacher: Tommy Russell, you're late again. Tommy: Sorry, sir. It's my bus - it's always coming late. Teacher: Well, if it's late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one.
Do buses and trains run on time? No, they don't. Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.
When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs? I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
As the bus came to the stop, the man at the front of the queue took out his eye, threw it up in the air and caught it before getting on the bus. An amazed conductor said, 'What on earth did you do that for?' 'I wanted to know if there was room on top,' replied the man.
'Is everyone in the bus?' asked the driver before he closed the door. 'No,' called a lady, 'wait until I get my clothes on.' All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.
--
Credit: Best Funny Jokes.
Showing posts with label bus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bus. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
More of the 'Funniest Jokes in the World'.
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
--
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
--
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--
And, my favorite, possibly because I'm Canadian...
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
--
Credit: Tallrite.com.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
--
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
--
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--
And, my favorite, possibly because I'm Canadian...
--
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
--
Credit: Tallrite.com.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Amazing what you see on the bus.
On the way home from school today I was treated to double trouble: a malfunctioning bus door and a guy with a weird sense of fun.
The gentleman in question was twenty-something, with dirty blond hair and a slightly overweight frame. He also had a HUGE backpack, which invariably played a part in the proceedings.
He got off the bus on a residential street, departing from the back door. As he did, however, the door closed on his backpack, holding it tightly in place. He struggled a bit on the outside, one foot still in the bus, the other flailing in midair.
Normally these doors pop open automatically if they encounter an obstruction. This one, however, decided to remain fixed around his backpack. I heard a rather loud crunch as it refused to open.
A girl immediately got up to help, and the bus driver called back asking what was wrong. As the girl approached the hapless fellow, however, he waved her off.
"Hey, hey, no worries! Just tell her to keep driving! This'll be FUN!"
Sadly the bus driver wasn't about to oblige him. A shame; I'd love to see somebody waving madly while attached to the side of a bus.
The gentleman in question was twenty-something, with dirty blond hair and a slightly overweight frame. He also had a HUGE backpack, which invariably played a part in the proceedings.
He got off the bus on a residential street, departing from the back door. As he did, however, the door closed on his backpack, holding it tightly in place. He struggled a bit on the outside, one foot still in the bus, the other flailing in midair.
Normally these doors pop open automatically if they encounter an obstruction. This one, however, decided to remain fixed around his backpack. I heard a rather loud crunch as it refused to open.
A girl immediately got up to help, and the bus driver called back asking what was wrong. As the girl approached the hapless fellow, however, he waved her off.
"Hey, hey, no worries! Just tell her to keep driving! This'll be FUN!"
Sadly the bus driver wasn't about to oblige him. A shame; I'd love to see somebody waving madly while attached to the side of a bus.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Wet weather observations.
While I was waiting for the bus today - standing in the pouring rain, no less - I noticed, during a temporary halt in the showers, that a woman was cleaning the windows on the front of a nearby building.
She didn't do too much. Just came out with a little squeegee, wiped the window down and skittered inside when the rain picked up again.
I, with nothing else to do (the bus was horribly late), watched as the same windows she'd washed got coated with a fresh slathering of rain.
And then the rain stopped again.
And she came out. Again. And wiped down the same windows. Again.
... who hires these people? And where do I sign up?
She didn't do too much. Just came out with a little squeegee, wiped the window down and skittered inside when the rain picked up again.
I, with nothing else to do (the bus was horribly late), watched as the same windows she'd washed got coated with a fresh slathering of rain.
And then the rain stopped again.
And she came out. Again. And wiped down the same windows. Again.
... who hires these people? And where do I sign up?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Beware thy clothing.
Not long ago, my friend had a birthday. We decided to celebrate the dinner portion of it at that ever-swanky food gobbling bonanza The Mandarin.
It being a special occasion I decided to dress up nice. Dress pants, a pin stripe overshirt with a t-shirt underneath, groomed hair, shaved face, a nice pair of sunglasses, the works. I personally thought I looked fairly slick (though I don't get dressed up too often, so maybe that's why).
Either way, I was headed to the bus stop to get to the restaurant. It's right along the bus route, so I figured, hey, much cheaper than driving, right? So I cross at an intersection, nearly to the stop. I have headphones in, though there's classical music playing so I'm not exactly oblivious to outside noise.
An older gentleman is crossing in the opposite direction. He looks nice enough, I suppose, though he's wearing a winter hat in warm weather, which I thought a bit odd. As we meet in the middle he half turns and says to me, "On the bright side, Jesus wants to save you!"
And off he goes.
At first I thought, "Hey, that's great. I'm not religious, but a bit of goodwill never hurt anybody."
Then I thought to myself, "Wait a sec, what's he implying?"
And I looked down at what I was wearing.
I think I'll stick with jeans from now on.
It being a special occasion I decided to dress up nice. Dress pants, a pin stripe overshirt with a t-shirt underneath, groomed hair, shaved face, a nice pair of sunglasses, the works. I personally thought I looked fairly slick (though I don't get dressed up too often, so maybe that's why).
Either way, I was headed to the bus stop to get to the restaurant. It's right along the bus route, so I figured, hey, much cheaper than driving, right? So I cross at an intersection, nearly to the stop. I have headphones in, though there's classical music playing so I'm not exactly oblivious to outside noise.
An older gentleman is crossing in the opposite direction. He looks nice enough, I suppose, though he's wearing a winter hat in warm weather, which I thought a bit odd. As we meet in the middle he half turns and says to me, "On the bright side, Jesus wants to save you!"
And off he goes.
At first I thought, "Hey, that's great. I'm not religious, but a bit of goodwill never hurt anybody."
Then I thought to myself, "Wait a sec, what's he implying?"
And I looked down at what I was wearing.
I think I'll stick with jeans from now on.
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