Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Time to Replace the Window
Probably seemed like a good idea at the time...
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
This is more cute than funny.
But, really, c'mon. It's a piglet in a warm bath. You can see so much relaxation in its eyes the moment it hits the water and settles down. Adorable.
Credit: uzoo.
Credit: uzoo.
HOSPITAL REGULATIONS
Credit: Unknown.
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
JEST FOR FUN
I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do now that you're retired?" Well, I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon and martinis into urine.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Boat Launching Procedures
- He just bought a new boat and decided to take 'er for the maiden voyage. This is his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of the proper SOP: Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp, but he figured it couldn't be too hard. He'd "figure it out", ALTHOUGH he did consult his local boat dealer for a "little" advice, they just said "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat."
- What did he do wrong?
- Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could BARELY get the trailer in the water at all!!!!
- Anyhow, here's a picture below. See for yourself. What did he do wrong?
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
GARAGE DOOR
Credit: Unknown.
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open..
His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open..
His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."
JEST FOR FUN
Having grown up just outside New York City, this guy barely knew a cow
from an ear of corn. Until, that is, he married a small town Ohio
girl. While he was in seminary school, he had a temporary assignment
at a church in a rural community. The day of his first sermon, he
tried very hard to fit in. With his wife sitting in the first pew, he
began his discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my
wife."
Vince from ShamWow.
If you watch TV, you've probably seen this guy. You may also know that he went to prison briefly. Here's a depiction of what may just have happened. (This is a little risque at points, so watch with caution.)
Credit: CollegeHumor.
Credit: CollegeHumor.
Monday, September 28, 2009
You said what?
A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
Credit: www.jokes-best.com
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
Credit: www.jokes-best.com
A SENIOR MOMENT
Credit: Unknown.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" the other man supplied.
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" the other man supplied.
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
JEST FOR FUN
Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"
The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"
The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Importance of Walking
Credit: Unknown.
1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
2. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again..
5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound....apparently you have to actually go there.
7. Every time I hear the dirty word ''exercise'' , I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
8. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9.. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, ''Well, he looks good, doesn't he?''
10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... .just getting over the hill was enough.
12. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
2. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again..
5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound....apparently you have to actually go there.
7. Every time I hear the dirty word ''exercise'' , I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
8. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9.. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, ''Well, he looks good, doesn't he?''
10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... .just getting over the hill was enough.
12. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Credit: Unknown.
Credit: Unknown.
Friday, September 25, 2009
A CINDERELLA UPDATE
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all theseyears"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied,"It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "Iwish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfectman she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all theseyears"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied,"It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "Iwish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfectman she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"
Jest for Fun
The chief resident-in-training at our hospital was putting a patient
on a bypass machine in preparation for open-heart surgery. The
patient, who happened to be a policeman, had his aorta clamped, and
then circulation was stopped so that the operation could be done on a
non-beating heart. The atmosphere in the operating room had been
serious until the clamp was applied. Just then the attending physician
remarked, "Hey, you just arrested a cop!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Pet Diaries
What pets write in their diaries.
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's diary...
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. The bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. The bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded..
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
I should really give this a try.
All freelance writers should.
---
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:
Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.
Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].
Sincerely,
[your name]
Credit: Comedy Zone.
---
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:
Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.
Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].
Sincerely,
[your name]
Credit: Comedy Zone.
THE FIRST BLONDE JOKE
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
Jest for Fun
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split. "Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long, too."
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split. "Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long, too."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Shotgun Wedding
This store has everything you need if you need to get married in a hurry.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.
I find it amazing that I've never posted this before. A small movie that is indeed quite free online, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a video journal by a super villain aspiring to be more than he is - yet who's also smitten with a girl who's dating his arch nemesis. Dramatic enough for you? Watch it, it's hilarious. (There's a bit of suggestive language later on, however, so younger viewers should proceed with caution.)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam in Captain Hareblower
From 1954.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3274382137005127076#
HERB'S WINKY
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too....his WINKY.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, '"ou told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, and 19 inches long."
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too....his WINKY.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, '"ou told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, and 19 inches long."
You know you're a Californian when...
Credit: Stan Kegel
You know you're from California if:
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18... Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19.. The Terminator is your governor. And wants to make Pot legal and tax it.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
You know you're from California if:
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18... Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19.. The Terminator is your governor. And wants to make Pot legal and tax it.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Christopher Walken soundboard.
Ever seen those celebrity prank phone calls where people use various sound clips of a given actor to form responses? This is where those things come from. Have fun chirping people over your cell via the dulcet tones of Christopher Walken.
Credit: RealmofDarkness.net
Credit: RealmofDarkness.net
TWO OLD MEN
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER."
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER."
UNIVERSAL LAWS
Credit: Stan Kegel
UNIVERSAL LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
UNIVERSAL LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Cats on treadmills.
That one poor guy just can't stay on for long. (Can't say I blame him, either. Those things can be murderous after a while.)
I Need To . . .
I'm feelin' a little like this on a Monday.
Credit: Where I Got It: www.icanhascheezburger.com
GOLF AND MARRIAGE
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark go for counseling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline goes into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem she and Mark have ever had in the 30 years they have been together. She goes on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she has endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, embraces, bends her backwards, kisses her passionately, down her neck, arms, hands . . . then raises his mouth to kiss her searingly upon the lips.
Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.
Jacqueline flushed, sits down as though in a total daze.
The therapist turns to Mark and says, "Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?"
Mark thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark go for counseling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline goes into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem she and Mark have ever had in the 30 years they have been together. She goes on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she has endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, embraces, bends her backwards, kisses her passionately, down her neck, arms, hands . . . then raises his mouth to kiss her searingly upon the lips.
Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.
Jacqueline flushed, sits down as though in a total daze.
The therapist turns to Mark and says, "Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?"
Mark thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
A Rejoinder to Friday's Post
Credit: George Moyer
Having read Cynthia's suggestion here on Friday that the gals give each other feedback on "recycled men," I have a few thoughts of my own! We guys have picked our share of lemons from the lemon tree, and I think what we need is a place where we can not only warn off other guys about them but also advertise to get rid of them. You know the expression, One man's trash is another man's treasure. Or, to paraphrase Henny Youngman: Take my old girlfriend--please!
Having recently divested myself of just such a horror story, I'll be happy to lead off with the first ad. Got a question for me about all this? You can find me easily--I'm the one dancing through the streets exuberantly yelling, "Free! Free! I'm free!"
Men: Are you looking for that someone special? Well, keep looking because I have just the one you don't want.This girl was once the catch of the day, but then just like a three-day-old fish...whew!!! She will throw out the lure and reel you in, and then it is over. She can romp and play, but the price is high. All of your wordly deeds will be brought out to be aired, and you will have to listen to diatribes on how you should be. If you are a hunter, you may actually want this person, as she is known as one of the world's most dogged stalkers. If you like to watch girls, then watch her strut in the mall. If this girl sounds neat, contact me at: 1 800 IAM DONE.
-- George Moyer
Having read Cynthia's suggestion here on Friday that the gals give each other feedback on "recycled men," I have a few thoughts of my own! We guys have picked our share of lemons from the lemon tree, and I think what we need is a place where we can not only warn off other guys about them but also advertise to get rid of them. You know the expression, One man's trash is another man's treasure. Or, to paraphrase Henny Youngman: Take my old girlfriend--please!
Having recently divested myself of just such a horror story, I'll be happy to lead off with the first ad. Got a question for me about all this? You can find me easily--I'm the one dancing through the streets exuberantly yelling, "Free! Free! I'm free!"
Men: Are you looking for that someone special? Well, keep looking because I have just the one you don't want.This girl was once the catch of the day, but then just like a three-day-old fish...whew!!! She will throw out the lure and reel you in, and then it is over. She can romp and play, but the price is high. All of your wordly deeds will be brought out to be aired, and you will have to listen to diatribes on how you should be. If you are a hunter, you may actually want this person, as she is known as one of the world's most dogged stalkers. If you like to watch girls, then watch her strut in the mall. If this girl sounds neat, contact me at: 1 800 IAM DONE.
-- George Moyer
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Goofy teaches you how to play baseball.
Just ignore everything you learn and you'll be fine at the sport.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Dancing in the Dark?
Fail? Wrong? Funny? Kind of hard to decide on this one . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mNyZVbSv5g
How About a Pre-Owned Men Feedback Registry?
Credit: Cynthia MacGregor
You know how eBay has the capacity for buyers to leave feedback on their purchases? There should be a central registry where women can leave feedback on men for the edification of these men's potential future wives, SOs, even dates. Face it, in the spirit of being green, most men are recycled anyhow. Even if they're not pre-owned (divorced), all but the youngest--mere boys--have had a relationship or two.
In the spirit of informed consumerism, a registry would allow women to leave feedback on the men they've lived with or been married to, or at least had a Long-Term Relationship with. (One-night stands don't count.)
Let's hear it, sisters: Speak out about your ex. Your biggest gripe may be a big so-what to another woman, who doesn't mind marrying Ten-Thumbs Tommy as long as he's an equal contributor to the family bank account, or living with Couch-Potato Carl as long as he doesn't tune up his Creative Farting every time her mother comes to visit. But what if she just can't coexist peacefully with a guy who doesn't listen when she talks or whose eyes aren't the only part of his body that wanders to other women or who comes up with so many excuses for not taking out the garbage that she can see his future as a fiction writer?
Forewarned is forearmed, and we owe it to our sisters to give them consumer alerts when we recycle men back into the dating/marriage pool.
eBay has a feedback system to help consumers before they make a purchase. Where is the sister who will set up a feedback-and-ratings system for rating recycled, available men?
[NOTE: Naturally I wrote this with tongue firmly in cheek, but after I first disseminated it, three people got in touch to tell me there actually had existed a website with a registry such as I suggested, some time in the not-too-distant past! GMTA!]
You know how eBay has the capacity for buyers to leave feedback on their purchases? There should be a central registry where women can leave feedback on men for the edification of these men's potential future wives, SOs, even dates. Face it, in the spirit of being green, most men are recycled anyhow. Even if they're not pre-owned (divorced), all but the youngest--mere boys--have had a relationship or two.
In the spirit of informed consumerism, a registry would allow women to leave feedback on the men they've lived with or been married to, or at least had a Long-Term Relationship with. (One-night stands don't count.)
Let's hear it, sisters: Speak out about your ex. Your biggest gripe may be a big so-what to another woman, who doesn't mind marrying Ten-Thumbs Tommy as long as he's an equal contributor to the family bank account, or living with Couch-Potato Carl as long as he doesn't tune up his Creative Farting every time her mother comes to visit. But what if she just can't coexist peacefully with a guy who doesn't listen when she talks or whose eyes aren't the only part of his body that wanders to other women or who comes up with so many excuses for not taking out the garbage that she can see his future as a fiction writer?
Forewarned is forearmed, and we owe it to our sisters to give them consumer alerts when we recycle men back into the dating/marriage pool.
eBay has a feedback system to help consumers before they make a purchase. Where is the sister who will set up a feedback-and-ratings system for rating recycled, available men?
[NOTE: Naturally I wrote this with tongue firmly in cheek, but after I first disseminated it, three people got in touch to tell me there actually had existed a website with a registry such as I suggested, some time in the not-too-distant past! GMTA!]
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Thousand-Hand Guanyin
Don't know if the following is true or not, but it is amazing none the less.
There is an awesome dance, called the Thousand-Hand Guanyin, which is making the rounds across the net. Considering the tight coordination required, their accomplishment is nothing short of amazing, even if they were not all deaf. Yes, you read correctly. All 21 of the dancers are deaf. Relying only on signals from trainers at the four corners of the stage, these extraordinary dancers deliver a visual spectacle that is at once intricate and stirring. Its first major international debut was in Athens last year at the closing ceremonies for the 2004 Paralympics. But it had long been in the repertoire of the Chinese Disabled People's Performing Art Troupe and had traveled to more than 40 countries. Its lead dancer is 29 year old Tai Lihua, who has a BA from the Hubei Fine Arts Institute. The video was recorded in Beijing during the Spring Festival celebrations this year.
There is an awesome dance, called the Thousand-Hand Guanyin, which is making the rounds across the net. Considering the tight coordination required, their accomplishment is nothing short of amazing, even if they were not all deaf. Yes, you read correctly. All 21 of the dancers are deaf. Relying only on signals from trainers at the four corners of the stage, these extraordinary dancers deliver a visual spectacle that is at once intricate and stirring. Its first major international debut was in Athens last year at the closing ceremonies for the 2004 Paralympics. But it had long been in the repertoire of the Chinese Disabled People's Performing Art Troupe and had traveled to more than 40 countries. Its lead dancer is 29 year old Tai Lihua, who has a BA from the Hubei Fine Arts Institute. The video was recorded in Beijing during the Spring Festival celebrations this year.
Credit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgHmSdpjEIk
Video games enter real life.
I've always been a fan of video games, but I never envisioned them entering the streets. A group known as Mega64, however, has endeavored to bring video game situations to unwitting spectators, and the results are quite hilarious.
Check out this reference to Resident Evil 4. It helps if you've played the game, of course, but the reactions this guy gets sticking to his script are great.
Credit: Mega64.
Check out this reference to Resident Evil 4. It helps if you've played the game, of course, but the reactions this guy gets sticking to his script are great.
Credit: Mega64.
Old Lady Gets One Up
This was apparently an ad for a French company, but even if you don't know French, it's still kind of funny . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8iX_bhfKrk
Jest for Fun
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions!.................. Two Different Morals!
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We Shall Overcome.'
Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2010.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We Shall Overcome.'
Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2010.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
You may have noticed I like game shows.
And for once, I present you with one from North America. This is a clip from Wipeout, a show that takes a page from so many Japanese game shows. This girl... has some issues, I think.
Answered Prayers
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She suggested, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the
door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She suggested, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the
door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Daddy's Car in the Woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight..'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the &*%# up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight..'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the &*%# up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Football Fanatic
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called.
Opening one eye, he asked, "In whose favor?"
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called.
Opening one eye, he asked, "In whose favor?"
Monday, September 14, 2009
Stupid quotes.
If anything encapsulates "You're doing it wrong," it's these.
--
"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
-Richard (Dicky) Nixon
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca
"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn
We understand the importance of having bondage between parents and their children.
-Dan Quayle
Helpful Warnings: "CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children"
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
-Batman costume warning label
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-Gerry Brown
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
-Parish Magazine
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
"Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents."
-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
Credit: SomeGuy.com
--
"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
-Richard (Dicky) Nixon
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca
"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn
We understand the importance of having bondage between parents and their children.
-Dan Quayle
Helpful Warnings: "CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children"
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
-Batman costume warning label
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-Gerry Brown
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
-Parish Magazine
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
"Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents."
-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
Credit: SomeGuy.com
"May I Have This Dance?"
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the
Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three
steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn
around."
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Funny silent library.
Once again, Japanese game shows make no sense. THIS one, however, I would love to see exported beyond their borders. It looks hilarious.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Animal Differences Part 1
Some animals are just able to see past their differences and get along with animals of all kinds. People should be like that too.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
You Know You've Been Programming Too Long . . .
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Computer-Jokes/You%27ve-been-programming-too-long-when.html
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Computer-Jokes/You%27ve-been-programming-too-long-when.html
Jewish humor
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
The Jewish High Holy Days have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied
Sam and Morris are walking to services and Sam asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Sam sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.
Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
The Jewish High Holy Days have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied
Sam and Morris are walking to services and Sam asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Sam sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.
Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Some quotes are funny 'cause they're insightful.
And others are funny 'cause they're just plain dumb. Here are some sports quotes under that category.
--
"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."
-- Cavaliers forward Drew Gooden on the ups and downs of his NBA career
"The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level."
-- Devil Rays GM Chuck Lamar on his team
"It's a humbling thing being humble."
-- Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett on seeing his stock drop as the 2005 NFL draft was approaching. The Broncos selected Clarett in the third round but eventually released him
"So far, the hardest part has been trying to come up with something that rhymes with Urlacher."
-- Country music star Tim McGraw, on reworking the lyrics to his hit I Like It, I Love It to coincide with the Monday Night Football halftime highlight reel
"Because there are no fours."
-- NBA long-range gunner Antoine Walker when asked why he shoots so many threes
"Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic."
-- Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez on the benefits of seeing a, well, therapist
"My wiener has never been so exhausted."
-- NASCAR's Kurt Busch after outlasting three other drivers to win the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile race at Lowe's Motor Speedway
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
-Ron Atkinson
"I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player."
-John Kruk
"Like they say, it ain't over till the fat guy swings."
-Phillies catcher Darren Daulton on stocky first baseman John Kruk.
"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
"Raise the urinals."
-Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes
"The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play."
-Reggie Jackson
--
Credit: Sports Hollywood.
--
"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."
-- Cavaliers forward Drew Gooden on the ups and downs of his NBA career
"The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level."
-- Devil Rays GM Chuck Lamar on his team
"It's a humbling thing being humble."
-- Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett on seeing his stock drop as the 2005 NFL draft was approaching. The Broncos selected Clarett in the third round but eventually released him
"So far, the hardest part has been trying to come up with something that rhymes with Urlacher."
-- Country music star Tim McGraw, on reworking the lyrics to his hit I Like It, I Love It to coincide with the Monday Night Football halftime highlight reel
"Because there are no fours."
-- NBA long-range gunner Antoine Walker when asked why he shoots so many threes
"Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic."
-- Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez on the benefits of seeing a, well, therapist
"My wiener has never been so exhausted."
-- NASCAR's Kurt Busch after outlasting three other drivers to win the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile race at Lowe's Motor Speedway
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
-Ron Atkinson
"I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player."
-John Kruk
"Like they say, it ain't over till the fat guy swings."
-Phillies catcher Darren Daulton on stocky first baseman John Kruk.
"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
"Raise the urinals."
-Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes
"The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play."
-Reggie Jackson
--
Credit: Sports Hollywood.
I Need A New Minion
How often have I felt this way . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Religion Humor
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. 'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said.
'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.'
'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.'
The repairman could contain himself no longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'
Our Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it mass transit.
At a recent pastors' retreat, each minister in attendance was asked the following question: "How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?" The answers were as follows:
A Presbyterian Pastor responded, "None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort."
A Charismatic Pastor replied, "None. The bulb doesn't need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed."
A Pentecostal Pastor said, "None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness."
The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, "None. We shouldn't even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness."
A Baptist Pastor responded, "None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing."
The Wesleyan Minister replied, "None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in."
A Non-Denominational Pastor said, "None. We don't want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable."
This poll provides one clear conclusion: it's no wonder pastors are always in the dark.
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
The pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church, but after two weeks took them out. When asked why, he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
A man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"
"I didn't think I needed to," everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: Repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try. "Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." still nothing. He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We had lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. 'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said.
'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.'
'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.'
The repairman could contain himself no longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'
Our Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it mass transit.
At a recent pastors' retreat, each minister in attendance was asked the following question: "How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?" The answers were as follows:
A Presbyterian Pastor responded, "None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort."
A Charismatic Pastor replied, "None. The bulb doesn't need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed."
A Pentecostal Pastor said, "None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness."
The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, "None. We shouldn't even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness."
A Baptist Pastor responded, "None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing."
The Wesleyan Minister replied, "None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in."
A Non-Denominational Pastor said, "None. We don't want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable."
This poll provides one clear conclusion: it's no wonder pastors are always in the dark.
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
The pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church, but after two weeks took them out. When asked why, he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
A man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"
"I didn't think I needed to," everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: Repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try. "Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." still nothing. He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We had lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
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