Religion Humor

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?


A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. 'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said.

'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.'

'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.'

The repairman could contain himself no longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'



Our Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services 
by bus. They plan to call it mass transit.






At a recent pastors' retreat, each minister in attendance was asked 
the following question: "How many people does it take to screw in a 
light bulb?" The answers were as follows:



A Presbyterian Pastor responded, "None. If God wants the bulb screwed 
in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort."



A Charismatic Pastor replied, "None. The bulb doesn't need to be 
changed. We should pray that it be healed."



A Pentecostal Pastor said, "None. We simply need to cast out from the 
bulb the demon of darkness."



The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, "None. We shouldn't even enter the 
room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness."



A Baptist Pastor responded, "None. If we allow physical contact 
between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing."



The Wesleyan Minister replied, "None. If we just show the bulb its 
need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in."



A Non-Denominational Pastor said, "None. We don't want to make the 
bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable."



This poll provides one clear conclusion: it's no wonder pastors are 
always in the dark.



We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several 
former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our 
minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the 
importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the 
bishop does?" There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered 
gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."



The pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church, but after two weeks took them out. When asked why, he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."



A man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"

"I didn't think I needed to," everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."



The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, 
and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a 
brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him 
in seminary about situations like this: Repeat the last point. His 
teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to 
come next. So he gave it a try. "Behold, I come quickly," he said. 
Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." 
still nothing. He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with 
such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, 
tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old 
lady in the front row. The young preacher apologized profusely.


"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my 
fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times 
you were coming!"




To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in 
the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal 
certificate. We had lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know 
the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I 
told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, 
"Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."