Quotes.

I've long been a fan of quotes, so here are some funny ones for your perusal.

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"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."
...Katherine Hepburn

"If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : I'm cheap!"
...Delta Burke

"It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office."
...Shirley MacLaine

"I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five."
...Mick Jagger

"Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?"
...Don Rickles (to David Letterman on 02/5/96 "Late Show")

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
...Bobcat Goldthwait

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
...Steven Wright

"People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk."
...Stephen King

"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone shorts."
...Kelly Allen

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."
...Lily Tomlin

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
...Unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
...August Strindberg

"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."
...Mark Twain

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
...Thomas Edison

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
...Vince Lombardi

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
...Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"I am not young enough to know everything."
...Oscar Wilde

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
...Abraham Lincoln

"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines."
...Unknown

"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
...Unknown

"I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde."
...Dolly Parton

"Pro is to con as progress is to congress."
...Unknown

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
...Sir Winston Churchill

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them."
...Lily Tomlin

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
...Mark Twain

"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
...Mark Twain

"I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it."
...Mark Twain

"I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop."
...Mark Twain

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."
...Mark Twain

"Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new."
...Henry David Thoreau

"Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling your walk while it's still snowing."
...Phyllis Diller

"I learned about stress management from my kids. Every night after work, I drink some chocolate milk, eat sugary cereal straight from the box, then run around the house in my underwear screaming like a monkey."
...Randy Glasbergen

"There are three ways to get something done: 1.) Do it yourself; 2.) Hire someone to do it for you; 3.) Forbid your kids to do it."
...Unknown

"Children are God's spies."
...Elizabeth Bowen

"I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
...Rita Rudner

"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires."
...Dorothy Parker

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's' lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
...Phyllis Diller

"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks."
...Jean Kerr

"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
...Neil Kinnock
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."
...Red Skelton

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
...Erma Bombeck

Credit: Amanda's Home.