Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your rear?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white silk. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, can of red spray paint; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped wth several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

Credit: http://www.robinsfyi.com/holidays/christmas/

Jewish humor

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

The Jewish High Holy Days have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.






It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," 
the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.

"What are my 
choices?," Moshe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied





Sam and Morris are walking to services and Sam asks, "I wonder whether 
it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

"Why don't you ask the 
rabbi?" says Morris.

Sam sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it 
permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"

"No, you may not. That's 
utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the 
rabbi.

Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi 
told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me 
try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if 
I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all 
means, my good man. By all means."