All Packed Up And Ready To Go

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

JEST FOR FUN

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies: “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I’m staying right here!”

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the Captain and Co-Pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and that she will not move back to her seat.

The Co-Pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston, and I am going to sit right here.”

The Co-Pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won’t listen to reason.

The Captain says, “You say she’s blonde? I will handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”


He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and Co-Pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First Class isn’t going to Houston “

Interplanet Janet

This Schoolhouse Rock tune was written and performed by the lady who, many years later, was the lyricist for the Broadway musical "Ragtime."

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfPEvKsme-c

People who live beyond their means should act their wage.


Top Ten Reasons Why The Easter Bunny Delivers Eggs

10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

Credit: Unknown.

Springtime For Pluto

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiFeFGqDomc

JEST FOR FUN

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Puppy School

Credit: Where I Got It: http://ihasahotdog.com/page/2/

JEST FOR FUN

The Pharoah's daughter was like a rare stock broker on Black Friday when she took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks

Kleebob The Card Game

George Burns and Gracie Allen--what more do you need for a laugh?

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXAcGiXbdjw

jest for fun

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"

Hover Cat

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

A husband asks his wife, "You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?"
"I clean the toilet," she replies.
"How does that help?" he asks.
"I use your toothbrush."

Hare Way To The Stars

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMuWOLVAzYY

JEST FOR FUN

What did the man do in court when he was accused of breaking into a liquor store? He took the fifth

Top Ten Late Nite Jokes on Healthcare Reform

1. "The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon

2. "If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher

3. "Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

4. "President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien

5. "Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." --Craig Ferguson

6. "Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel

7. "The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon

8. "Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

9. "To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno

10. "The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon


Credit: www.about.com

My, Hasn't Your Friend Grown

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

JEST FOR FUN

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."

Health Care Reform

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Monorail Cat

A very comfortable monorail at that . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

JEST FOR FUN

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe. "Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed," Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off."

Good News From The Cats

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

JEST FOR FUN

The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding. She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

Nigerian Leprechaun Spam

Credit: www.offthemark.com

Volume Of My Alarm Clock

I can relate to this . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://graphjam.com/?utm_source=network&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=header

JEST FOR FUN

The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services. About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely. Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."
The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to them."

Good Ideas Gone Bad on St. Patrick's Day

Credit: www.offthemark.com

Barney Bear's Victory Garden

A good gardening video at this time of year is always in order.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9L9oRQ-1tk

JEST FOR FUN

Twice a year, the clocks get changed for daylight-savings time. And twice a year, the normally punctual assistant arrives late to work the Monday after it happens. Her boss finally decided he had to find out why. "Do you have a problem remembering to spring forward or fall back?" the boss asked.
"Oh, no," said his assistant, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "What gets to me is staying up until 2 a. m. to change my clock!"

The Blarney Stone

Credit: www.offthemark.com

Musical Clip From "Little Red Riding Rabbit"

What is up with the wolf lifting up his skirt when he sings?

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbFxLszCR58&feature=player_embedded

JEST FOR FUN

My brother and I used to fight over everything. Who would get the best toy. Who would get the biggest treat. Well, on this rainy day Mother discovered she only had one large lollipop for a treat and told us we would have to share. My brother, who was two years older than me suggested that he would take a wooden mallet and break it evenly for us to share and I readily agreed, But when he hit it, it shattered into a number of uneven pieces that we couldn't divide evenly. Mother told us we should have expected that would occur. She said, "You can never give a sucker an even break."

Full Service

Credit: Unknown.

Wish Granted?

Two Irishmen, Pat & Mike were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Pat, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Mike looked disgustedly at Pat whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Pat! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Credit: Unknown.

Dancing Irish Dog

Credit: www.rd.com

Yummy

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

That Stays In Vegas

This might be a little racy for some, so fair warning, but it is very funny . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jf_ppcNOiQk

JEST FOR FUN

Two blondes were filling up their cars at a gas station. The first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me; I always put in just $20 worth!"

You Know You Have Had Too Much To Drink When...

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again - right on his face. He decided to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him, "'So, you've been out drinking again!!"
'What makes you say that?' he asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your flaming wheelchair there!"

Credit: Unknown.

JEST FOR FUN

One read through this man's résumé and it was no wonder he was looking for a new line of work: Under "Previous Job," he'd written, "Stalker at Walmart."

Give A Cat A Cookie

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Irish Perspective

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Credit: Unknown.

jes

When a girl is invited to a man's apartment to see his etchings, it's usually not a standing invitation.



How A Bunny Has Breakfast

I had to post this, in case you've never had a chance to watch a rabbit eat a flower up close.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.viddler.com/explore/cheezburger/videos/347/50.45/

People say New Yorkers can't get along and won't share cabs. Well, that's Just not true. The other day, I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio, and the other guy took the engine and the bumpers.

A Message To The Under 30 Crowd

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...Barefoot... BOTH ways - yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!  But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no
idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

Credit: Unknown.

Cat Computing

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

JEST FOR FUN

An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"

Little Johnny, in a small voice from the back of the room responded, "The small investor."

The Golfer and The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Credit: Unknown.

Robot Unicorn Attack?

Robot Unicorn Attack!

ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK!

Credit: ADULT SWIM!

Remember Goodnight Moon?

This is a new version. With an awesome Star Warsy twist. AWESOME, I say.

Enjoy. You're supposed to cut it out for the full effect, but just reading the pdf is fine too.

Credit: BoingBoing.net.

Irish Blessings?

Some lesser known Irish Blessings...

May the road rise to meet you,
just like it always does,
when you get so drunk,
you pass out in the street.

May the leprechauns be near you,
To spread luck along your way.
And may all of the medications
Take the awful hallucinations of tiny screeching people away.

On this day St. Patrick,
Surrounded by friends and more
Take that guy wearing a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" pin
And throw him the hell out the door.

May all your sorrows be like a Shamrock Shake,
available for a limited time only.
Also, may they be a minty green in color,
putrid to the taste, and contain sodium benzoate as a preservative.

May your schizophrenia always be blamed on colorful drunkenness.

Credit: Unknown.

The Fix Is In

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

JEST FOR FUN

A doctor had just hired a new secretary. Having trouble with the doctor’s notes on an emergency case which read," Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end. At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."

3 Stooges Most Violent Sequence

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jocRd-aajW0

JEST FOR FUN

A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him. The next day his secretary said, "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly. "Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberger," she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."



Thought For The Day

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that is where shitty ideas come from!

Credit: Unknown.

The Lament of the Sloth.

I've been listening to Tim Minchin obsessively lately. You should too. (This song is pretty tame compared to some of his others. Beware the others if you have a low tolerance for, well, dirty stuff.)



Credit: Tim Minchin.

Cat Says Don't Worry

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

JEST FOR FUN

Did you hear about the twelve-step program for compulsive talkers? They call it On Anon Anon.

March/Spring Break coming up? You bet.

And, as it turns out, everybody gets it - even the Amish. (Maybe. Warning, some harsh language.)

--

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave

9. Wet bonnet contest

8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy

7. Buttermilk keggar

6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale

5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"

4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers

3. Sleep 'til 6 AM

2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass

1. Churn butter naked

Credit: Jokes About Network.

Snow Time For Comedy

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fapkO-x_sGE

Jest for Fun

Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready. "You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day." He looked at me and replied, "Twice."

Chocolate-isms

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
Eat it in the parking lot.

Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

Credit: unknown

Ok Go: On The Treadmills

This is not my normal musical style preference, but this video was very clever, I thought. Enjoy!

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPmhTCaDkGA&feature=player_embedded

JEST FOR FUN

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had
accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers,
the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping
the seeds into their pockets."