Nerd's New Year Resolutions

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.


Credit: www.ahajokes.com

Thirty Minutes To A Cleaner House--Part Three

Secret tip 11: Vacuuming
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.

Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

Secret tip 12: Lighting
The key here is low, low and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.

Time: 10 seconds

Secret tip 13: Bed Making
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.

Time: 0

Secret tip 14: Showers, Toilets and Sinks
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.

Time: 1 minute

Secret tip 15:
If you already knew at least ten of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha-type to your home.

Credit: Unknown. (If this content belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Nerdy New Year resolutions.

I say nerdy rather than the original 'nerd' since, quite frankly, most people are guilty of these things nowadays. (Nerd culture always seeps into the mainstream. ALWAYS!)

--

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.


Credit: Aha! Jokes

Jest for Fun

I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm. "I said 'ewes,'" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad had read, "Sheep for sale: Used."

Thirty Minutes To A Cleaner House--Part Two

Secret tip 7: Dusting
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.

Time: 3 minutes

Secret tip 8: Dishes
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.

Time: 1 minute

Secret tip 9: Clothes washing
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two . . . if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

Caution: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.

Time: 3 seconds

Secret tip 10: Ironing
If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-to-a-Clean-House philosophy.

Time: 5 minutes (includes curling your hair)

To be continued . . .

Credit: Unknown. (If this content belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

How To Get What You Want For Christmas

Credit: Unknown.

New Years with Sinatra and Martin.

May have been a few years ago, but hey, no biggie, right?



Credit: Unknown. (If you know where this comes from, click here to tell us.)

Jest for Fun

Would someone on board a ship desperately looking for a toilet be considered a "Head Hunter"?

Thirty Minutes To A Cleaner House--Part One

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. if you're a Martha-type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.

However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn secret shortcuts to good housekeeping that your mother never told you.

Secret tip 1: Door Locks
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.

Caution: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.

Time: 2 seconds

Secret tip 2: Duct Tape
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairrs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.

Time: 2-3 minutes

Secret tip 3: Ovens
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.

Time: 2 minutes

Secret tip 4: Clothes Dryers
Like Secret tip 3, except bigger. Caution: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.

Time: 2.5 minutes

Secret tip 5: Washing machines and freezers
Like secret tip 4, except even bigger.

Time: 3 minutes

Secret tip 6: Dust ruffles
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Marth believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hid whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to secrets tips 3,4,5.)

Time: 4 minutes

To be continued. . .

Credit: Unknown. (If this content belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Santa's Flat

Credit: www.humormatters.com

Thought Arnold was weird in English?

You ain't seen nothing yet.



Credit: An old Japanese commercial for... something? A drink?

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

"My wife put me on a new diet using a lot of corn oil and other vegetable oils." "Have you lost weight, then?" "Not yet, but my joints don't squeak anymore."

How Eggnog is Really Made

Credit: www.humormatters.com

I Missed The Memo

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.



Ken's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the b#@*&% has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ablility to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can drive, play sports.... Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

Credit: http://www.robinsfyi.com/holidays/christmas/

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your rear?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white silk. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, can of red spray paint; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped wth several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

Credit: http://www.robinsfyi.com/holidays/christmas/

Some Assembly Required

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired, In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet in their beds, While Dad and I faced the evening with dread: In the kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... Let no pieces be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; If we can't get it right, it goes down in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear, But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, So if there were failure, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, All over the flour they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, where the metal is bare! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night it wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, And not have to run to the store for a thing! "We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the perfect, most perfectest Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland, at last sweet repose I gratefully went, although I suppose There's something to say for those self-deluded I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

Credit: http://www.robinsfyi.com/holidays/christmas/humor/night1.htm

A Doggy Christmas

Happy Holidays everyone!

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo

Jest for fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

I was watching a new television show. They scan each page of the morning and evening newspapers with live camera, slowly enough to allow people to read it. This is paper view television. 


Coal Again

Happy Holidays!

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

12 Pains of Christmas

Chorus :
The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Is finding a Christmas tree.
.
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebreated man (3): Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA FURBY FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What we have no extension cords?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
other (10): "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
.
The twelth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
C: Five months of bills,
4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

Credit: http://www.robinsfyi.com/holidays/christmas/songs/12pains.htm

One of the strangest videos I've ever seen.

Seasonal, yet... fail.



Credit: I wish I knew. (If you know where this comes from, click here to tell us.)

Given the Christmas season, I think it's prudent to show this.

This kid needs some downers.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life, I think I'd have to pick underpants.

12 Days of Christmas Presents

__________________________

From: Sandy Clause, Sandy@Clausenet.com December 14
My dearest darling Nick:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree?
Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 15
Dearest Nick:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves!
They're adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 16
Dear Nick:
Aren't you the extravagant one.
I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens!
Love,
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 17
Dear Nick:
Today I got the four calling birds.
Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?
Affectionately,
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 18
Dearest Nick:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking
were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to
wonder about you!
Love,
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 19
Dear Nick:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on
my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining. Please stop.
Cordially,
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 20
Nick:
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.
What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I
can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop!
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 21
O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's
not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their
cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own
house. Just lay off, smartass.
Sandy
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 22
Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing
those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am
I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you
thinking?!
==============================================================
From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 23
You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies."
They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the
police on you.
==============================================================
Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com December 24
Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and
ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to
death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the
cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy
===================================================================
Elves Toymaker, Esq.EToymaker@Elvestoymaker.com December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Ms. Sandy Clause. The destruction of her property and peace
of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or
contact Ms. Clause at the sanitarium where she now resides,
the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on
sight.

Credit: www.humormatters.com

This Is Why You Feed The Cats First

They're an insistent lot when it comes to food . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Funny Pepsi Commercial

I thought this was fairly amusing.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40DykbPa4Lc

Real? Fake?

How do YOU weigh in on the eternal Christmas tree question?



Credit: Appears to be some branch of Fox News.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Offices can be tense.

And when somebody just won't let up tossing stuff, well, people snap.



Credit: Unknown. (Know where this video comes from? Click here to tell us.)

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: "Peace on Earth," "Goodwill to Men," and "Batteries not included."

Christmas Ninja

This strangely reminded me of Kato from the Pink Panther movies. In any event, watch your back this Christmas . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

AKINATOR, THE WEB GENIUS

Think of a person and Akinator will probably be able to guess it. Seriously, this thing is quite good. I had to think up some really obscure characters from video games to fool it.

Go on, give Akinator a try. He's sure to flabbergast you.

Credit: akinator.com

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

An artist's model is a girl who is often unsuited for her work.

What do you have to declare?

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself sitting next to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?" replied the priest.

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair removal gadget for which I paid an enormous amount of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions." She then handed him her hair remover.

The aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself at customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

Finding this reply strange the customs officer then asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father...Next!"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son" the priest replied.

Credit: Unknown.

I Dream Of Jeannie: Where'd You Go-Go?

This is what I used to watch after school. Gotta love it.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwbXAZNJkvI

Laverne and Shirley: "Betty, Please"

I love this episode--Laverne and Shirley rock!

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7oHvQu-dc4

Following up on yesterday's driving fail...

And with a mind on the season... here's a WINTER driving fail. Enjoy.



Credit: FailBlog.org.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?" Me: "Certainly, what width?" Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?" 


Long Distance Phone Charges

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth wrote him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replied, ¨Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

Credit: Unknown.

Ritchie Meets Mork

First time that Mork makes an appearance--good times.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6S9IEAE_s0

Invisible Mouse

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I don't drive...

But I KNOW I could do better than this.



Credit: FailBlog.org.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Wanting to make a good impression on the pastor, a woman gave him a homemade apple pie. When he got it home, he cut a piece and took a bite. It was so horrible that he immediately spit it out and threw the rest out the window. The next Sunday, the woman was first in line to greet him and asked how he liked the pie. Thinking fast, he replied, "A pie like that doesn't last around my house very long. "

Little Johnny Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS............. CAN I GO NOW?"

Credit: Unknown.

Bad, terrible, horrible puns.

In pictorial form!

Credit: Peter Gander at BadPuns.com.

Jest for Fun

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Great Product Endorsement

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life,

as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,

and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow

I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,

and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests

on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered

a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, I gotta go - I have to write to the Hefty bag people

Credit: Unknown.

Emotion Eric.

I've known about this site for ages, and though it never seems to get updated anymore it's well worth having a look. The guy gets requests for emotions and fulfills them in visual form, acting out whatever strange task has been given to him.

Check it out. It's hilarious.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Jokes & Funnies

On getting older:

Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

A Few Santa Stats

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.

Credit: humormatters.com

The Washing To Shore of the Corgifish

Credit: Where I Got It: http://ihasahotdog.com/

Star Wars bloopers.

Doesn't get much better than celebrities mucking up on the job.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Shipwreck

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed Here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white..

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp Rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the House, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, Please.

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
A swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've been out here for many months You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something You've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
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"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course"

Credit: Unknown

Pregnant Pause

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery much easier."

She looked at the men in the room and said, "And gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" Answered the teacher. "I was just wondering," asked the man, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Credit: Unknown.

You Do The Math

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Ever seen Tron?

Maybe yes, maybe no. If yes, you'll want to see this guy. It's hard to tell if he's a huge fail or awesome win for having the guts to walk around with that outfit.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Denny's is now offering a "Tiger Woods Breakfast": Swedish pancakes with your choice of side dishes.

Straight No Chaser: Sitcom Medley

For a little musical trip down amnesia lane . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMj1ZaWVc-8

Blue Man Group.

If you ever get the chance to see these guys live, DO SO. I did last year and I loved every bit of the show.

This time they're playing a set of pipes as drums. Awesome.



Credit: Blue Man Group Las Vegas show.

Church Humor

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company. The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway. The sign came back a few days later: "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."

How is Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room
302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God
bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me
shit."

Credit: Unknown.

French and Saunders As Cher

I love these two talented comics.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1oLq8RUzhE

Time for more bloopers.

This time Hugh Laurie with his crazy House accent is up to bat.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

I asked my 8-year-old grandson if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" he said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, I asked him what was wrong. "Oh, Grandpa," he sobbed, "I found out there was no Santa Claus at age 5, no Easter Bunny at 6, and no Tooth Fairy at 7. And if you're going to tell me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Straight No Chaser: The 12 Days of Christmas

I loves me some tight harmony!

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kYEK-pxs_A

Ever wanted to start a band?

But couldn't think of a good name? Here's the solution!

Here are mine, not entered with the optional word:

* Behind Jesus
* Recessive Mankind Of The Sleep Offer
* Rocky Cleaner
* Roman Sourberry
* Sensible Tale
* Problem Tax Of The Stale Bonus
* Deduction Samantha
* Shaded Quitter
* Organ Arse
* Noisy Suspension

'Organ Arse' is pretty catchy, if disgusting.

Credit: BandNameMaker.com

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

Girl's Night Out

Oldie, but a goodie!

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised
my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and
the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I
headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would
probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when
totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The
next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him
"midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."

Credit: Unknown.

Strange Cat Door Surprise

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txmcazU8UfA

Star Trek ala Eddie Izzard.

Man I love this guy. (Beware some harsh language.)



Credit: Eddie Izzard.

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

Best Decorated House - Part 2

Sure hope this doesn't happen to any of us!!


There is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations this year.

The good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.

The bad news is that I had to take them down after 2 days.

I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Secondly, a 60 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it up against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top. (She was not happy!) By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that.

My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.

Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down, but my neighbor did confirm witnessing near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house.

I think I made him too real this time.





So, it was fun while it lasted!










Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Best Decorated House - Part 1

Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's Best Decorated House contest due to my bad attitude!














Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Chef!

The great Lenny Henry berating a customer who asks for salt. If you've ever worked in a restaurant, you will enjoy this entire British series.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MixYRIUzVXs

Jest for Fun

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my friend, a gynecologist, struck up a casual conversation. After noticing the label on her sandals read "Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So when were you in Mexico?" Flabbergasted, the patient asked, "Ohmygod! You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"

Tiger Wood's Holiday Card 2009

Hard to believe that this story has been developing for only a few days and already the photo-shoppers have been busy. Funny though!


Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Yes, we do enough on animals as it is.

But, c'mon, adorable.

Vladimir Danilin, master magician.

You may never have met him, but that doesn't make this any less cool.



Credit: Unknown. (If you know where this video comes from, click here to inform us.)

Spy vs. Spy

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dNxK_wslqo

JEST FOR FUN

Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me. By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked. "I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."