Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
Credit: http://www.geocities.com/mikey_wbt/well_i_never/facts_3.html
Thursday, April 30, 2009
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5
and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2 Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1..0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Credit: Unknown
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5
and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2 Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1..0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Credit: Unknown
Compact indeed
I'm all for small, efficient cars. But this is ridiculous:
It looks like a waffle iron with wheels. Try picking up your prom date in that, lads.
Credit: http://www.igreenspot.com/
It looks like a waffle iron with wheels. Try picking up your prom date in that, lads.
Credit: http://www.igreenspot.com/
I've shown you the best...
Now it's time for the worst. These are among the biggest groaners I've ever heard, and sadly, some of them are funnier than the so-called 'funniest' jokes.
* What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
* Justice Fingers.
* What's an archeologist?
* Someone whose career is in ruins.
* What happens when two snails fight?
* They slug it out.
* What wobbles as it flies?
* A jelly-copter.
* How do you catch a squirrel?
* Climb in a tree and act like a nut.
* How do you have a party in outer space?
* You plan-et.
* What's Mary short for?
* She's got no legs.
* What do you say when a dog runs away?
* Dog-gone!
And, my favorite (why must these things always come back to my name?):
* Why don't seagulls fly in the bay?
* Because they don't want to be bagels.
Credit: Rinkworks.com.
* What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
* Justice Fingers.
* What's an archeologist?
* Someone whose career is in ruins.
* What happens when two snails fight?
* They slug it out.
* What wobbles as it flies?
* A jelly-copter.
* How do you catch a squirrel?
* Climb in a tree and act like a nut.
* How do you have a party in outer space?
* You plan-et.
* What's Mary short for?
* She's got no legs.
* What do you say when a dog runs away?
* Dog-gone!
And, my favorite (why must these things always come back to my name?):
* Why don't seagulls fly in the bay?
* Because they don't want to be bagels.
Credit: Rinkworks.com.
PUMPKINS FROM MY PATCH
PUMPKINS FROM MY PATCH
By Roberta C.M. DeCaprio
The spring of 2008 my husband decided to have a garden and planted pumpkins. By August we had a pumpkin patch and the two pumpkins pictured here were the ones we saved to use on Holloween for carving...the rest made Thanksgiving and Christmas pies.
One never turned orange....stayed green and so he became the grouchy jack-o-lantern. After all, it isn't easy being green!
I Scream
Credit: Taken from WorldWide Recipes
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take
a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those
famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman'sdirection.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went,
expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take
a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those
famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman'sdirection.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went,
expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Rodney Dangerfield One Liners
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
Credit: Where I Got It: http://arloo.blogspot.com/2005/11/16-funniest-one-liners.html
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
Credit: Where I Got It: http://arloo.blogspot.com/2005/11/16-funniest-one-liners.html
Human-Cyborg Relations
Check out the Tweenbots-- little cardboard cuties alone in the big city. Will the pedestrians help them get to their destinations? Social psychology at its cutest!
Credit: tweenbots.com for pics and vids
A lawyer with a heart of....
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat
grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer
said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under
that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife
and 6 children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered. They all entered the car,
which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You'll really love my place. The grass
is almost a foot high.'
Credit: Unknown.
the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat
grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer
said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under
that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife
and 6 children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered. They all entered the car,
which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You'll really love my place. The grass
is almost a foot high.'
Credit: Unknown.
Poor dead parrot.
This one's a classic Monty Python sketch. If you haven't watched it before, you're missing out. If you have, well, a re-watch is in order.
DRY FIN
by Cynthia MacGregor
For some people, driving is a necessity to get from here to there; for others, it’s fun unto itself. Of course it helps to own a fun car. Convicts own the cars that are probably the most fun—con vertibles. Certain farmers haul their produce to town in corn vertibles.
A fellow named Daniel apparently had a part in the creation of the first hardtop—who he was has become a mystery, but his name remains behind as his legacy—the cars are known as See Dans.
Jeeps are misnamed—they aren’t jeep to own at all; they’re really rather expensive. Vans are so called because you can haul quite a few rock groupies, or vans of a certain singer or band, to a concert in one. And a certain type of truck is famous for offering relief to the driver who needs a rest room when the next rest stop isn’t for another forty miles—a built-in container can relieve the bladder pressure, so of course the vehicle is known as a pee cup truck.
The rear end of another type of vehicle used to wiggle back and forth altogether too often, but the manufacturers applied a tactic later made famous by computer software manufacturers. Just as computer folks point to defects and claim, “It’s not a bug—it’s a feature!” so did auto manufacturers capitalize on the vehicle’s wobble, pretend it was intended, and call their product a station waggin’.
Gypsy tea-leaf readers who ply their wares dockside in harbor towns drive port you-tell-a-tea vehicles.
Wrecked-ration vehicles are also called “Are We”s, though nobody is sure what the full question is—probably “Are we having fun yet?” (The answer is usually “No!”) An older class of Are We is called a camp-purr, named for the sound of the motor. Yet another related vehicle is the trail-her, favored by private eyes, who do a lot of that sort of thing—so much so that you can be sure their favorite game, as kids, had to have been Follow the Leader. (In Europe, they played Follow the Litre. In Germany, it was Follow the Lieder. And of course, in the dairy department it was Follow the Liederkranz.)
There are many brands of cars, though when it comes to cars, “brands” are called “makes.” Makes no sense to me. Retirees drive Old Mobiles. People with a tendency to gastric upset drive a Chef Rolaid. If you need to be concerned with a vehicle that fits your pocketbook, you probably want to drive Afford. Much maligned of late is the Cries Slur. Certain fetishists favor the Panty Ack, and people who care only if their car is a reliable workhorse, not how it looks, favor the Drudge.
If you collect miniatures of Star Wars characters, you probably drive a Toy Yoda. If you spend a lot of time working out, you probably drive a Gymmy. (And if you do work out regularly, you could say you spend a lot of time at the body shop.) Got a legal case pending against the local establishment that displays exotic animals to the public? You ought to be driving an Isuzu. Locksmiths all drive Kias. If you’re a clergyperson, and you perform a lot of weddings, do you drive a Linkin’? If you’re a doctor or scientist who works with radium, do you celebrate that fact by driving a MarieCurie?
Some cars have very strange names. Take Nissan—that’s supposed to be a vehicle? It’s your sibling’s daughter’s male offspring! Miata—sounds like you’re declaring that you like to sail an expensive boat. Or Harley—what does that say? “I Harley ever ride my motorcycle anymore!”
Which cars do you like best? Mercy—dese? Mazda the rest of the world just takes the bus.
For some people, driving is a necessity to get from here to there; for others, it’s fun unto itself. Of course it helps to own a fun car. Convicts own the cars that are probably the most fun—con vertibles. Certain farmers haul their produce to town in corn vertibles.
A fellow named Daniel apparently had a part in the creation of the first hardtop—who he was has become a mystery, but his name remains behind as his legacy—the cars are known as See Dans.
Jeeps are misnamed—they aren’t jeep to own at all; they’re really rather expensive. Vans are so called because you can haul quite a few rock groupies, or vans of a certain singer or band, to a concert in one. And a certain type of truck is famous for offering relief to the driver who needs a rest room when the next rest stop isn’t for another forty miles—a built-in container can relieve the bladder pressure, so of course the vehicle is known as a pee cup truck.
The rear end of another type of vehicle used to wiggle back and forth altogether too often, but the manufacturers applied a tactic later made famous by computer software manufacturers. Just as computer folks point to defects and claim, “It’s not a bug—it’s a feature!” so did auto manufacturers capitalize on the vehicle’s wobble, pretend it was intended, and call their product a station waggin’.
Gypsy tea-leaf readers who ply their wares dockside in harbor towns drive port you-tell-a-tea vehicles.
Wrecked-ration vehicles are also called “Are We”s, though nobody is sure what the full question is—probably “Are we having fun yet?” (The answer is usually “No!”) An older class of Are We is called a camp-purr, named for the sound of the motor. Yet another related vehicle is the trail-her, favored by private eyes, who do a lot of that sort of thing—so much so that you can be sure their favorite game, as kids, had to have been Follow the Leader. (In Europe, they played Follow the Litre. In Germany, it was Follow the Lieder. And of course, in the dairy department it was Follow the Liederkranz.)
There are many brands of cars, though when it comes to cars, “brands” are called “makes.” Makes no sense to me. Retirees drive Old Mobiles. People with a tendency to gastric upset drive a Chef Rolaid. If you need to be concerned with a vehicle that fits your pocketbook, you probably want to drive Afford. Much maligned of late is the Cries Slur. Certain fetishists favor the Panty Ack, and people who care only if their car is a reliable workhorse, not how it looks, favor the Drudge.
If you collect miniatures of Star Wars characters, you probably drive a Toy Yoda. If you spend a lot of time working out, you probably drive a Gymmy. (And if you do work out regularly, you could say you spend a lot of time at the body shop.) Got a legal case pending against the local establishment that displays exotic animals to the public? You ought to be driving an Isuzu. Locksmiths all drive Kias. If you’re a clergyperson, and you perform a lot of weddings, do you drive a Linkin’? If you’re a doctor or scientist who works with radium, do you celebrate that fact by driving a MarieCurie?
Some cars have very strange names. Take Nissan—that’s supposed to be a vehicle? It’s your sibling’s daughter’s male offspring! Miata—sounds like you’re declaring that you like to sail an expensive boat. Or Harley—what does that say? “I Harley ever ride my motorcycle anymore!”
Which cars do you like best? Mercy—dese? Mazda the rest of the world just takes the bus.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Job Interview Fail
Based on a survey published via the Internet, here are some of the odd things reported by HR professionals.
- "Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
Credit:Job Interview Survey: Unknown
Would You Like To Join . . .
The Yoko Club?
Oh no.
The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?
The Arafat club?
Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club?
Forget it.
The Ebert club?
Roger.
The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club?
Noh.
The quarterback club?
I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club?
I don't give a damn.
The compulsive rhymners' club?
Okey-dokey.
The Spanish opometrists club?
Si.
The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.
The pregancy club?
Conceivably.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.octanecreative.com/mediatower/bitohumor/oneliner.html
Oh no.
The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?
The Arafat club?
Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club?
Forget it.
The Ebert club?
Roger.
The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club?
Noh.
The quarterback club?
I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club?
I don't give a damn.
The compulsive rhymners' club?
Okey-dokey.
The Spanish opometrists club?
Si.
The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.
The pregancy club?
Conceivably.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.octanecreative.com/mediatower/bitohumor/oneliner.html
Ah, Engrish.
Engrish.com is a site dedicated to tracking down poor uses of English around the world. I think most of these pictures come from Japan.
Here are a few of my favorites, all courtesy of the aforementioned website. Enjoy.
Here are a few of my favorites, all courtesy of the aforementioned website. Enjoy.
DOCTRINE
DOCTRINE
Burglary, lying, and stealing from the collection plate to have money for tonight’s crap game are all sins, but the worst of them all (or the worst of the mall) is medi sin. Some people practice it without a license; they are guilty of false doctrine.
There are many kinds of doctors. Carty ologists treat you when you’ve banged your knee on a shopping cart. Petey-atricians only treat guys named Peter. They are very specialized. Po’ die atrists deal with people in the charity ward who are ready to check out. Obstinate tricians deal with difficult people. A doctor who specializes in you is known as a “yourologist.”
The trouble with going to the doctor is they always give you a prescription, and I get enough magazines already.
The last time I went to see the doctor, the nurse said, “He’s just back from lunch. He’ll be in as soon as he puts his lab coat on.” I thought that was what a retriever dog wears when it’s chilly out.
Doctors usually start their exam by walking across your chest with their steposcope. Then they examine you with a tongue depressor. If it works too well, your tongue may not get out of bed for a week and will cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
I once visited a doctor who didn’t miss checking a single part of my body—he was an eye, ear, nose, and throughout specialist.
Most proctologists see their patients during orifice hours.
Doctors are important people. They make a big difference in their communities even outside their offices. This is because they have a lot of influenza.
Doctors get a lot of help from farm-assists. They help agricultural workers. Medicine was very different before modern drugs came into existence. Take the suffer drugs. They alleviate a lot of suffering. One, used to combat sexually transmitted diseases, is known as sulfa-denial. Another, developed for people who have ego problems, is known as sulfa-esteem.
The father of modern medicine was known as Hippopotamus. Some people think someone from that long ago can’t be important anymore, but they’re wrong; this guy was a famous oaf.
Recently my skin broke out all over, so I called the dermatologist’s office. The nurse said he couldn’t see me for at least two weeks, but I told her, “I really need to see him sooner—I’m in a bit of a rash.”
People with migraines suffer from pain and or a. They don’t say or a what. But when migraine sufferers heard about the modern advances in medicine, they all shouted in unison, “Oh, rah!”
Sometimes people get an inflamed appendix. When this condition occurs, people tend to get very agitated. So it is known as append-excite-us.
If you get a fish stuck in your food pipe, you can get a sore trout. If the fish somehow migrates to your wrist, you get carp tunnel syndrome.
Guys who have a bad reaction to a woman getting close to them can get a her-near-ya. If you mess around with cleaning your chimney, you can catch the flue.
Kids who go to the doctor’s and behave themselves often get lollipops on the way out. If they sit next to a sick kid in the waiting room they might get chicken pops instead. Kids who want everything their way and who have to be the center of attention often turn out to have me-sles.
Women whose bellies are swelling might be fat or it could be they’re just stagnant. Or it could be neither of the above—they might just have rubelly.
Guynecologists are all guys; if they’re women, they have to call themselves something else.
A bad back is usually caused by backteria. An upset stomach is caused by a cafeteria.
They say that penicillin comes from a mold. The next time I’m sick I’ll just make some Jello and save on paying the doctor for a visit.
by Cynthia MacGregor
Doctors always like to know who their patients are. An eye doctor’s compendium of patient names is called an ocu-list.
Doctors work hard, so they need recreation. They all play golf, it seems. If you have an upset stomach on the golf course, they recommend you use a weak tee.
With their income, doctors can afford to eat out a lot, and most do. A survey of doctors showed that their favorite food is pasta, especially hypodermic noodles.
But they can’t afford to be out of touch with their offices, in case of an emergency, so they all wear beepers. This is because most doctors used to be Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, and their motto is Beep Prepared.
Burglary, lying, and stealing from the collection plate to have money for tonight’s crap game are all sins, but the worst of them all (or the worst of the mall) is medi sin. Some people practice it without a license; they are guilty of false doctrine.
There are many kinds of doctors. Carty ologists treat you when you’ve banged your knee on a shopping cart. Petey-atricians only treat guys named Peter. They are very specialized. Po’ die atrists deal with people in the charity ward who are ready to check out. Obstinate tricians deal with difficult people. A doctor who specializes in you is known as a “yourologist.”
The trouble with going to the doctor is they always give you a prescription, and I get enough magazines already.
The last time I went to see the doctor, the nurse said, “He’s just back from lunch. He’ll be in as soon as he puts his lab coat on.” I thought that was what a retriever dog wears when it’s chilly out.
Doctors usually start their exam by walking across your chest with their steposcope. Then they examine you with a tongue depressor. If it works too well, your tongue may not get out of bed for a week and will cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
I once visited a doctor who didn’t miss checking a single part of my body—he was an eye, ear, nose, and throughout specialist.
Most proctologists see their patients during orifice hours.
Doctors are important people. They make a big difference in their communities even outside their offices. This is because they have a lot of influenza.
Doctors get a lot of help from farm-assists. They help agricultural workers. Medicine was very different before modern drugs came into existence. Take the suffer drugs. They alleviate a lot of suffering. One, used to combat sexually transmitted diseases, is known as sulfa-denial. Another, developed for people who have ego problems, is known as sulfa-esteem.
The father of modern medicine was known as Hippopotamus. Some people think someone from that long ago can’t be important anymore, but they’re wrong; this guy was a famous oaf.
Recently my skin broke out all over, so I called the dermatologist’s office. The nurse said he couldn’t see me for at least two weeks, but I told her, “I really need to see him sooner—I’m in a bit of a rash.”
People with migraines suffer from pain and or a. They don’t say or a what. But when migraine sufferers heard about the modern advances in medicine, they all shouted in unison, “Oh, rah!”
Sometimes people get an inflamed appendix. When this condition occurs, people tend to get very agitated. So it is known as append-excite-us.
If you get a fish stuck in your food pipe, you can get a sore trout. If the fish somehow migrates to your wrist, you get carp tunnel syndrome.
Guys who have a bad reaction to a woman getting close to them can get a her-near-ya. If you mess around with cleaning your chimney, you can catch the flue.
Kids who go to the doctor’s and behave themselves often get lollipops on the way out. If they sit next to a sick kid in the waiting room they might get chicken pops instead. Kids who want everything their way and who have to be the center of attention often turn out to have me-sles.
Women whose bellies are swelling might be fat or it could be they’re just stagnant. Or it could be neither of the above—they might just have rubelly.
Guynecologists are all guys; if they’re women, they have to call themselves something else.
A bad back is usually caused by backteria. An upset stomach is caused by a cafeteria.
They say that penicillin comes from a mold. The next time I’m sick I’ll just make some Jello and save on paying the doctor for a visit.
by Cynthia MacGregor
Doctors always like to know who their patients are. An eye doctor’s compendium of patient names is called an ocu-list.
Doctors work hard, so they need recreation. They all play golf, it seems. If you have an upset stomach on the golf course, they recommend you use a weak tee.
With their income, doctors can afford to eat out a lot, and most do. A survey of doctors showed that their favorite food is pasta, especially hypodermic noodles.
But they can’t afford to be out of touch with their offices, in case of an emergency, so they all wear beepers. This is because most doctors used to be Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, and their motto is Beep Prepared.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Crime Themed Hot Dog Stand
CHICAGO – A Chicago alderman said he doesn't mind that a businessman plans to open a hot dog stand in his ward and hire former convicts to work there, but he does object to the stand's crime-linked theme. Alderman Bob Fioretti said Friday his Second Ward on the city's West Side has major crime problems, so he thinks the stand's name, Felony Franks, is simply not in good taste.
Fioretti also objected to several slogans, including: "Food so good, it's criminal," and "Home of the misdemeanor wiener."
Stand owner Jim Andrews, though, said he thinks the tongue-in-cheek name and a menu that features such items as "burglar beef" and "chain gang chili dog" will help to erase some of the stigma that being a former convict carries.
Credit: Associated Press http://www.suntimes.com/index
Don't Stop Achieving
Life got you down? Has Lady Luck put a restraining order on you? Is your biggest accomplishment brushing your teeth three days out of ten?This is a game that will make you feel better. Everything you do is an accomplishment in the fast-paced world of ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.
Your task? Move the proverbial elephant in the room around and watch your achievements rack up. Just try not to feel better about yourself after a few minutes of artificial pats-on-the-back.
Feel free to thank me later.
Credit: armorgames.com
A few things to think about...
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every FOURhours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Islandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every FOURhours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Islandcan make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Vigorous musician.
Man, I thought I was bad on the acoustic. This bizarre street pirate doesn't even try. And he plays with a SPOON, for pete's sake! (Maybe I should try that, actually.)
SOME FUNNY ORCHESTRAS
by Cynthia MacGregor
(cont'd from Friday)
Another instrument you blow into is the bagpipes. Not usually found in a symphony orchestra, the bagpipes is (are?) nonetheless a venerable instrument, one that in looks resembles a cross between a handbag and an octopus. The sound is that of a Scotsman who has had someone reach underneath his kilt to see what’s there.
The first and most difficult lesson in learning to play the bagpipes is learning which pipe to blow into. Tissues are easier—you know where to blow. Bagpipes are considered a party instrument—there are enough pipes that a gang of friends ought to be able to play all at once—hopefully all playing the same tune. It would get pretty messy if one person were playing Brahms’ “Lullabye” and another were playing “Yankee Doodle” while a third played “Yellow Submarine” and a fourth played “There’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight.” Opinions are divided as to whether the bagpipes are an instrument of music or an instrument of torture.
Yet another instrument you blow into is the breathalyzer.
Besides the bagpipes, there are other instruments played with the breath that are not normally part of an orchestra. These include the kazoo and the ocarina, a large okra. You cannot, however, play music on okra in its natural state. Most people cannot even eat okra. The ocarina is also called the sweet potato, but nobody has ever played a candied ocarina.
Some musicians are really little kids at heart. They just like to bang things and make a lot of noise. They play instruments of a type collectively known as percussion. They make a lot of noise, like a percussion grenade—although that is only considered an instrument of death, not a musical instrument.
The drum is the most common percussion instrument. There are various kinds of drums (not including oil drums). Bass drums should not be confused with the string bass, or with first base, or with man’s baser instincts, though those may be what drives a percussionist to make all that noise and try to pass it off as music.
Tympani is actually the name of an instrument and not a lisped mispronunciation of a type of orchestra. Really “tympani” is another name for the kettle drum. The musicians cook their dinner in the kettle and then beat the drum to announce that dinner is ready. The snare drum and traps are used by musicians who are also hunters. If they didn’t like what was cooked up in the kettle, they can always try to catch a rabbit or other animal to take home and cook after the concert.
Another noisy instrument is called symbols. I’m not sure what they’re symbolic of—maybe dessert, since they look a little like pie plates. Then there is the try angle, so called because the musicians who play this soft, gentle instrument need to try almost any angle to get a chance to be heard. The musicians who play the gong have no such problem. The chief use of the gong is not in orchestras but by auctioneers, who announce the sale of each item with, “Going, going, GONG!”
Instruments that are hard to classify include the xylophone, the glockenspiel, the accordian, and the organ. The xylophone’s chief usage is not as an instrument but as in illustration for the letter “X” in children’s alphabet books. It’s hard to describe the sound of the glockenspiel, so I won’t try. The accordian is an instrument played a lot at peace talks, to help the factions reach an accord. The concertina is a small—as its name implies, teenage-sized—accordian. And the organ is only sometimes an instrument. Lots of men in certain books and magazines are forever talking about their organs. Pipe organs are instruments, even though their name makes them sound like something you’d smoke tobacco in. If you want to hear organ music, go to church or to the ballpark.
Of course, not everyone who makes music does it with an instrument. Some people simply use their voices. Singing voices fall into five basic ranges: soprano, auto, tenure, berrytone, or baste. There are two kinds of sopranos, Technicolor sopranos and messy sopranos.
Some of the most famous operatic arias were written for sopranos. A common question arises when the auience has to listen to them: “Aria finished yet?” Singers often vocalize an arpeggio to warm up. This vocal exercise got its name from the challenge posed by many music teachers: “Arpeggio can’t reach the high notes.”
There are two lines of music written on sheet music—when you sing or play certain instruments, you want the trouble cleft, but other instruments use the boss cleft. The piano uses both at once, which can get awfully confusing. You read the boss cleft with your left eye and play those notes with your left hand; you read the trouble cleft with your right eye and play those notes with your right hand. If you have to play a cross-hand piece, you are likely to wind up cross-eyed.
The eight notes of the scale comprise an octave, which is, of course, a way of rating gasoline. Those eight notes are do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti-do, and there is much that can be said about them, but Rodgers & Hammerstein have already pretty much taken care of it, so we won’t go there.
(cont'd from Friday)
Another instrument you blow into is the bagpipes. Not usually found in a symphony orchestra, the bagpipes is (are?) nonetheless a venerable instrument, one that in looks resembles a cross between a handbag and an octopus. The sound is that of a Scotsman who has had someone reach underneath his kilt to see what’s there.
The first and most difficult lesson in learning to play the bagpipes is learning which pipe to blow into. Tissues are easier—you know where to blow. Bagpipes are considered a party instrument—there are enough pipes that a gang of friends ought to be able to play all at once—hopefully all playing the same tune. It would get pretty messy if one person were playing Brahms’ “Lullabye” and another were playing “Yankee Doodle” while a third played “Yellow Submarine” and a fourth played “There’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight.” Opinions are divided as to whether the bagpipes are an instrument of music or an instrument of torture.
Yet another instrument you blow into is the breathalyzer.
Besides the bagpipes, there are other instruments played with the breath that are not normally part of an orchestra. These include the kazoo and the ocarina, a large okra. You cannot, however, play music on okra in its natural state. Most people cannot even eat okra. The ocarina is also called the sweet potato, but nobody has ever played a candied ocarina.
Some musicians are really little kids at heart. They just like to bang things and make a lot of noise. They play instruments of a type collectively known as percussion. They make a lot of noise, like a percussion grenade—although that is only considered an instrument of death, not a musical instrument.
The drum is the most common percussion instrument. There are various kinds of drums (not including oil drums). Bass drums should not be confused with the string bass, or with first base, or with man’s baser instincts, though those may be what drives a percussionist to make all that noise and try to pass it off as music.
Tympani is actually the name of an instrument and not a lisped mispronunciation of a type of orchestra. Really “tympani” is another name for the kettle drum. The musicians cook their dinner in the kettle and then beat the drum to announce that dinner is ready. The snare drum and traps are used by musicians who are also hunters. If they didn’t like what was cooked up in the kettle, they can always try to catch a rabbit or other animal to take home and cook after the concert.
Another noisy instrument is called symbols. I’m not sure what they’re symbolic of—maybe dessert, since they look a little like pie plates. Then there is the try angle, so called because the musicians who play this soft, gentle instrument need to try almost any angle to get a chance to be heard. The musicians who play the gong have no such problem. The chief use of the gong is not in orchestras but by auctioneers, who announce the sale of each item with, “Going, going, GONG!”
Instruments that are hard to classify include the xylophone, the glockenspiel, the accordian, and the organ. The xylophone’s chief usage is not as an instrument but as in illustration for the letter “X” in children’s alphabet books. It’s hard to describe the sound of the glockenspiel, so I won’t try. The accordian is an instrument played a lot at peace talks, to help the factions reach an accord. The concertina is a small—as its name implies, teenage-sized—accordian. And the organ is only sometimes an instrument. Lots of men in certain books and magazines are forever talking about their organs. Pipe organs are instruments, even though their name makes them sound like something you’d smoke tobacco in. If you want to hear organ music, go to church or to the ballpark.
Of course, not everyone who makes music does it with an instrument. Some people simply use their voices. Singing voices fall into five basic ranges: soprano, auto, tenure, berrytone, or baste. There are two kinds of sopranos, Technicolor sopranos and messy sopranos.
Some of the most famous operatic arias were written for sopranos. A common question arises when the auience has to listen to them: “Aria finished yet?” Singers often vocalize an arpeggio to warm up. This vocal exercise got its name from the challenge posed by many music teachers: “Arpeggio can’t reach the high notes.”
There are two lines of music written on sheet music—when you sing or play certain instruments, you want the trouble cleft, but other instruments use the boss cleft. The piano uses both at once, which can get awfully confusing. You read the boss cleft with your left eye and play those notes with your left hand; you read the trouble cleft with your right eye and play those notes with your right hand. If you have to play a cross-hand piece, you are likely to wind up cross-eyed.
The eight notes of the scale comprise an octave, which is, of course, a way of rating gasoline. Those eight notes are do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti-do, and there is much that can be said about them, but Rodgers & Hammerstein have already pretty much taken care of it, so we won’t go there.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Remember When...
You're Lost Between Generation X and Baby Boomers If...
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, telStar and Coleco.
6. You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."
7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11. (Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back then...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)
14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.
15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either
"Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.
16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
17. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.
18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."
19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."
20. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying "I was experimenting."
21. You've ever shopped at Benetton.
22. You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
23. You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.
24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
25. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.
26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH."
27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
28. You know who shot J.R.
29. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.
30. This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."
31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)
32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.
33. You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny as actually there.
35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.
36. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.
37. You bought a pair of Vans and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm SO wasted!"
38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.
39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.
40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.
41. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.
42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch...and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by a CORD!
43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.
44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or - worst of all -what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.
45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.
46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
47. You remember having a rotary phone.
48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.
49. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.
50. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day: you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR...I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...")
Credit: Unknown.
Dog Chow Diet
Credit: Unknown
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me, and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....
I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me, and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....
I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Kids and Religion
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a pretty good time just like I am."
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted. "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
Credit: Unknown.
Sometimes, Life Is A Musical . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UE3CNu_rtY&feature=player_embedded
More of the 'Funniest Jokes in the World'.
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
--
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
--
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--
And, my favorite, possibly because I'm Canadian...
--
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
--
Credit: Tallrite.com.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
--
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
--
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--
And, my favorite, possibly because I'm Canadian...
--
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
--
Credit: Tallrite.com.
SOME FUNNY ORCHESTRAS
by Cynthia MacGregor
Despite the word’s pronuncication, “music” does not have anything to do with the cry of a cat who’s ill. Although some violins sure sound like a sick cat. (There was a girl in my school whom some kids called Vile Lynn, but you didn’t need a bow to play on her.)
Besides violins, there are many other instruments. They make music in varying ways. Another that creates music when you draw a bow across the strings is the base vile.
The bow an narrow is not a musical instrument but was occasionally used to execute bad musicians in the Olden Days. One fellow who was proficient with the bow an narrow, and was later recognized in music, was named William. Because he told the story of his exploits over and over, he was known as William Tell. He shot an arrow at an apple. (His descendents many centuries later all bought PCs and shot insults at Macs.) Despite being married, William was quite the ladies’ man, and in the evenings he would down a few pints at the local tavern and make advances to all the ladies. He had a classic come-on and invariably used the same approach. It was known as the William Tell Overture.
Another stringed instrument is the harp. When two harps in an orchestra take turns carrying the melody, one seeming to answer the other, this is known as a harp-to-harp talk.
“Piano” is an Italian word meaning “softly.” Anybody who equates “piano” with “softly” has never turned a four-year-old loose on a keyboard.
The guitar is a stringed instrument that frequently comes unstrung. I know people like that, too. The autoharp, despite its name, was not designed for playing in a car. Its close cousin is the zither, which is also a kind of gentle breeze. It is not the thing you use to close your pants.
But not all instruments require strings or bows. Many instruments make music when you blow into them. For this reason, politicians make excellent musicians, since so many of them are full of hot air.
Instruments you blow into are subcategorized as either brass or reads. To play a read instrument you have to know how to read music. To play brass, you just have to have enough brass to get up there and fake it.
The trumpet is a very popular instrument. It is also used a lot in bridge games. Also, elephants are said to trumpet, but I have never seen one in an orchestra or band. Or playing bridge.
By the way, the difference between an orchestra and a band is how well they play. If they play well, they are called an orchestra and are invited to play all over. But if the musicians need a lot of practice and keep hitting sour notes, the group is barred from playing in many sites, or banned.
Let’s get back to our discussion of instruments you blow into. Another of these is the piccolo. The piccolo is green and juicy and makes your mouth pucker. Dill piccolos are the most popular. The cello, despite its name, is not fruit-flavored and wiggly. Some of the other instruments that are played by blowing into them include the buffoon, the sexyphone, the clarionet, the toobad, and the oboy, also known as the hobo because some people would like to tramp on it. In that it is similar to the tromp-on, an instrument that makes so much noise that listeners are tempted to do as the name suggests
There are different kinds of horns that are musical instruments. The French-fried horn can be differentiated from the English horn in a number of ways. The French-fried horn always sounds like it’s whining, and we all know the French love a good wine. Additionally, like any patriotic Frenchman, it refuses to play any notes in English. The English horn is, of course, the color of warm beer.
The flute is named for an archaic past tense of “fly.” This is because some of its notes seem to soar. When it’s not played well, its listeners’ eardrums get pretty soar too.
(contd on Monday)
Despite the word’s pronuncication, “music” does not have anything to do with the cry of a cat who’s ill. Although some violins sure sound like a sick cat. (There was a girl in my school whom some kids called Vile Lynn, but you didn’t need a bow to play on her.)
Besides violins, there are many other instruments. They make music in varying ways. Another that creates music when you draw a bow across the strings is the base vile.
The bow an narrow is not a musical instrument but was occasionally used to execute bad musicians in the Olden Days. One fellow who was proficient with the bow an narrow, and was later recognized in music, was named William. Because he told the story of his exploits over and over, he was known as William Tell. He shot an arrow at an apple. (His descendents many centuries later all bought PCs and shot insults at Macs.) Despite being married, William was quite the ladies’ man, and in the evenings he would down a few pints at the local tavern and make advances to all the ladies. He had a classic come-on and invariably used the same approach. It was known as the William Tell Overture.
Another stringed instrument is the harp. When two harps in an orchestra take turns carrying the melody, one seeming to answer the other, this is known as a harp-to-harp talk.
“Piano” is an Italian word meaning “softly.” Anybody who equates “piano” with “softly” has never turned a four-year-old loose on a keyboard.
The guitar is a stringed instrument that frequently comes unstrung. I know people like that, too. The autoharp, despite its name, was not designed for playing in a car. Its close cousin is the zither, which is also a kind of gentle breeze. It is not the thing you use to close your pants.
But not all instruments require strings or bows. Many instruments make music when you blow into them. For this reason, politicians make excellent musicians, since so many of them are full of hot air.
Instruments you blow into are subcategorized as either brass or reads. To play a read instrument you have to know how to read music. To play brass, you just have to have enough brass to get up there and fake it.
The trumpet is a very popular instrument. It is also used a lot in bridge games. Also, elephants are said to trumpet, but I have never seen one in an orchestra or band. Or playing bridge.
By the way, the difference between an orchestra and a band is how well they play. If they play well, they are called an orchestra and are invited to play all over. But if the musicians need a lot of practice and keep hitting sour notes, the group is barred from playing in many sites, or banned.
Let’s get back to our discussion of instruments you blow into. Another of these is the piccolo. The piccolo is green and juicy and makes your mouth pucker. Dill piccolos are the most popular. The cello, despite its name, is not fruit-flavored and wiggly. Some of the other instruments that are played by blowing into them include the buffoon, the sexyphone, the clarionet, the toobad, and the oboy, also known as the hobo because some people would like to tramp on it. In that it is similar to the tromp-on, an instrument that makes so much noise that listeners are tempted to do as the name suggests
There are different kinds of horns that are musical instruments. The French-fried horn can be differentiated from the English horn in a number of ways. The French-fried horn always sounds like it’s whining, and we all know the French love a good wine. Additionally, like any patriotic Frenchman, it refuses to play any notes in English. The English horn is, of course, the color of warm beer.
The flute is named for an archaic past tense of “fly.” This is because some of its notes seem to soar. When it’s not played well, its listeners’ eardrums get pretty soar too.
(contd on Monday)
The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!
Credit: onlyfunnystories.com
Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Violin Classical Fail? I Don't Think So!
Try some Hip Hop Violin:
Violin: Paul Dateh DJ: inka one
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36Xt-XeWnHM
Violin: Paul Dateh DJ: inka one
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36Xt-XeWnHM
Demotivational Posters.
A lot of these posters online aren't quite fit for this site. Some are, though, and I figured I'd share a few of the funnier ones with you lovely people. Enjoy.
Credit: Unknown. (If any of these pictures belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If any of these pictures belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
SPURTS
by Cynthia MacGregor
Good sports are not necessarily good at sports. One hopes for both. Sometimes one hopes in vain. (Which is not the thing that sits and spins and shows you which way the wind is blowing. It is also not how some sports figures feel about themselves. It is also not what some sports players feel like opening when they lose.)
Golfers are called duffers because they get their exercise by riding around the golf course on their duffs. They play the game by setting the golf ball down on a small peg on the ground and swinging. Many novices miss altogether. They feel the little peg is taunting them. For this reason, the little pegs are called “tease.”
The word “golf club” has two meanings. One is the instrument of torture used to beat up on that poor, defenseless little ball; the other is the organization—as much social as athletic—to which the golfer belongs. It can get confusing. But if a man says, “My wife got me so angry I swung at the dining room table with my golf club,” you can assume that he had not swung at the furniture with an organization of five hundred members.
And speaking of violence (which we will when we discuss music), soccer is fun, but hitting a woman is against the law.
From the name of the game, you’d think the downfield progress in football is measured by the foot. Actually it is measured by the yard. These are not nice suburban yards, full of tulips and jonquils and marigolds. These yards are full of nothing but dirt and some torn-up grass. Under the circumstances, you’d think the game would be called yardball, but nooooo.
When the players kick the ball between the fenceposts, it’s called a field gold. There is no such thing as a field Silver (unless you count the Lawn Ranger’s horse).
Basketball is colloquially known as “hoops.” This is because when the players miss they holler, “Whoops!” Close enough.
Baseball is played on a diamond, proving that, after all, men do like jewelry. It is played with bats, which do not suck blood despite the feelings of many losing players. The guys who decide if a player is safe or out are called umpires. When the umpire’s call goes against you, it’s often said that the Umpire Strikes Back.
Tennis is played with a racket. The racket is mainly made by certain ill-termpered bad sports. The racket is strung. The players often come unstrung. Tennis is a game in which “love” often comes up. But try telling that to your opponent.
LaCrosse is a popular sport among Christians. Jews play LaStarre.
Polo is a sport invented by Ralph Lauren.
Croquet players hold their sticks away from the other players to show that they bear mallets toward none.
Rest sling is engaged in during nap time.
Boxing is a sport most familiar to people in the gift wrap department at Macy’s.
The favorite sport of shoppers everywhere is buy cycling.
Wannabe brides participate in many marrythons.
If you’re good at lining up in orderly files, you can probably do well at rowing.
Some people think fencing is what makes good neighbors, but many folks know it’s a sport involving foils—not aluminum—and masks—not Halloween.
How fast can you throw objects at a designated target? You may be good at hurtles.
Can you jump over a high stack of eyeglasses? You may be good at optical races.
You auto be familiar with car racing. There are stock cars (made out of chicken, beef, fish, or veggies); there is formula racing (babies love it!); and there are other varieties from monster trucks (Frankenstein’s fave) to phony cars (which aren’t real at all).
Then let’s not forget fission, the favorite sport of nuclear scientists everywhere. They have a reel good time at it, though when they come home and brag about the one that got away, their wives know they’re line (and hook and sinker).
What’s your favorite sport? Do you enjoy participatory sports or speckled tater sports or both? Every sport needs its fans—and frequently air-conditioning too. Get on board—preferably a 2x4. Are you ready to rumble? Or rhumba? Or samba? Samba of these sports can get pretty rough. And others are so expensive that you’ll be in hockey for life.
Good sports are not necessarily good at sports. One hopes for both. Sometimes one hopes in vain. (Which is not the thing that sits and spins and shows you which way the wind is blowing. It is also not how some sports figures feel about themselves. It is also not what some sports players feel like opening when they lose.)
Golfers are called duffers because they get their exercise by riding around the golf course on their duffs. They play the game by setting the golf ball down on a small peg on the ground and swinging. Many novices miss altogether. They feel the little peg is taunting them. For this reason, the little pegs are called “tease.”
The word “golf club” has two meanings. One is the instrument of torture used to beat up on that poor, defenseless little ball; the other is the organization—as much social as athletic—to which the golfer belongs. It can get confusing. But if a man says, “My wife got me so angry I swung at the dining room table with my golf club,” you can assume that he had not swung at the furniture with an organization of five hundred members.
And speaking of violence (which we will when we discuss music), soccer is fun, but hitting a woman is against the law.
From the name of the game, you’d think the downfield progress in football is measured by the foot. Actually it is measured by the yard. These are not nice suburban yards, full of tulips and jonquils and marigolds. These yards are full of nothing but dirt and some torn-up grass. Under the circumstances, you’d think the game would be called yardball, but nooooo.
When the players kick the ball between the fenceposts, it’s called a field gold. There is no such thing as a field Silver (unless you count the Lawn Ranger’s horse).
Basketball is colloquially known as “hoops.” This is because when the players miss they holler, “Whoops!” Close enough.
Baseball is played on a diamond, proving that, after all, men do like jewelry. It is played with bats, which do not suck blood despite the feelings of many losing players. The guys who decide if a player is safe or out are called umpires. When the umpire’s call goes against you, it’s often said that the Umpire Strikes Back.
Tennis is played with a racket. The racket is mainly made by certain ill-termpered bad sports. The racket is strung. The players often come unstrung. Tennis is a game in which “love” often comes up. But try telling that to your opponent.
LaCrosse is a popular sport among Christians. Jews play LaStarre.
Polo is a sport invented by Ralph Lauren.
Croquet players hold their sticks away from the other players to show that they bear mallets toward none.
Rest sling is engaged in during nap time.
Boxing is a sport most familiar to people in the gift wrap department at Macy’s.
The favorite sport of shoppers everywhere is buy cycling.
Wannabe brides participate in many marrythons.
If you’re good at lining up in orderly files, you can probably do well at rowing.
Some people think fencing is what makes good neighbors, but many folks know it’s a sport involving foils—not aluminum—and masks—not Halloween.
How fast can you throw objects at a designated target? You may be good at hurtles.
Can you jump over a high stack of eyeglasses? You may be good at optical races.
You auto be familiar with car racing. There are stock cars (made out of chicken, beef, fish, or veggies); there is formula racing (babies love it!); and there are other varieties from monster trucks (Frankenstein’s fave) to phony cars (which aren’t real at all).
Then let’s not forget fission, the favorite sport of nuclear scientists everywhere. They have a reel good time at it, though when they come home and brag about the one that got away, their wives know they’re line (and hook and sinker).
What’s your favorite sport? Do you enjoy participatory sports or speckled tater sports or both? Every sport needs its fans—and frequently air-conditioning too. Get on board—preferably a 2x4. Are you ready to rumble? Or rhumba? Or samba? Samba of these sports can get pretty rough. And others are so expensive that you’ll be in hockey for life.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
High Anxiety
Mel Brooks at his best.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ki_UcRmELvs
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ki_UcRmELvs
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)