JEST FOR FUN

A customer ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

JEST FOR FUN

"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers

JEST FOR FUN

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

JEST FOR FUN

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you'."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

JEST FOR FUN

Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk. When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."

JEST FOR FUN

It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the Indian questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find
this Indian. When he did, he thought he'd conduct a test.
After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the Indian what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The Indian replied, "Eggs."
The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct.
Ten years later the man comes across the Indian again. Very pleased to see him he greets him in the stereotypical "How."
The Indian looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies, "Scrambled."

JEST FOR FUN

Two lawyers went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained. The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

JEST FOR FUN

The wife left me a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about. The fridge works fine. Women, who can understand them?

JEST FOR FUN

A young couple went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other. "What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."

JEST FOR FUN

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

JEST FOR FUN

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"

JEST FOR FUN

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

JEST FOR FUN

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel now.

JEST FOR FUN

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't you love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

JEST FOR FUN

I got kicked out of the Chinese restaurant when I asked the server if the spring rolls were still fresh in the midst of summer.

JEST FOR FUN

The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill, as well. This could be wearing, but usually, he was able to provide the good example and escape the tattlers.

One night, however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came to a sudden stopping place. His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

"No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

"Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

"No coffee either, thank you."

In the spirit of conspiracy, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug?"

"My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."

JEST FOR FUN

They say a dog is a mans best friend, but not even my enemies let alone any of my friends will look me dead in the eye while taking a crap on my carpet!

JEST FOR FUN

It was very crowded at the grocery store, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

JEST FOR FUN

A new reporter was sent to cover the visit of a minister. Before his speech, the minister said to a reporter, "When you do your write up, please don't mention the anecdotes I use. I want to include them in other speeches I'm giving in town." Thus the reporter wrote, "The good Reverend told several stories that can't be repeated here."

JEST FOR FUN

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" ''Yep!'' "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" ''Not really." ''Is she a good cook?" ''Naw, she can't cook too well." ''Does she have lots of money?" ''Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" " don't know." ''Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" ''Because she can still drive!"

JEST FOR FUN

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hailstones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde. "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor. "Why not?" asked the first blonde. "Because you've got to roll up the windows first!"

JEST FOR FUN

I'd popped into a busy store to buy meat and vegetables when another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, onlyto be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot.
Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that gadget's called 'my husband."

JEST FOR FUN

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"

JEST FOR FUN

I said to the gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

JEST FOR FUN

Dad: What do you boys want for dinner tonight?

Son, 8: Can we have McDonald's tonight?

Dad: Sure if you can spell that, then we'll have it.

Son: (After thinking for a few seconds) Can we get KFC then?

JEST FOR FUN

For his 18th birthday, the cowboy gave his son a saddle and a red horse. He announced, "Son, you're on your roan now."

JEST FOR FUN

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu, ignore it. It's just Spam.

JEST FOR FUN

Patriotic Fourth of July cakes are coated with "Of Thee Icing"

JEST FOR FUN

McDonald's is buying the Civic Arena. They're going to call it the Macarena.

JEST FOR FUN

When a couple moved into their new home, the first one they'd owned rather than rented, two of the husband's friends gave him abottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled,
the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.
Three months later the couple held a Christening party for their third child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, they remembered the housewarming gift. In front of their guests, the wife opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good care of this one, it's yours!"

JEST FOR FUN

The 'Over 60s Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

JEST FOR FUN

I have a sure fire way to keep thin. I keep inviting over relatives for meals and there's less for me. It's called the add kins diet.

JEST FOR FUN

After hearing a bible lesson about miracles, a little girl went up to her religion teacher. "In my house," said the little girl, "when handwriting appears on the wall it's not a miracle, it's the work of my little brother."

JEST FOR FUN

As he entered the room within which so many a wild night of their sweltering love affair had been spent, the White Rabbit regarded her with benevolent eyes, her posture such that he suspected something was wrong, but before he could speak Alice unburied her face from her trembling hands and between her intense sobs he made out the words, "I'm late ... I'm late."

JEST FOR FUN

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband, having finished his snack, walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

JEST FOR FUN

A woman walked into her sister's kitchen and found her nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" sje asked.
"She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

JEST FOR FUN

The closest I ever came to a menage a trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

JEST FOR FUN

I'm living with a guy, but we're not married. It's kinda like leasing with an option to buy.

JEST FOR FUN

Pat and Mike were getting ready to go on a camping trip. Pat said, "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"

Mike answered, "Two rattlesnakes."

JEST FOR FUN

One day, after Joe had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," Joe said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

JEST FOR FUN

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it. After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

JEST FOR FUN

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. - Erma Bombeck

JEST FOR FUN

While I was preaching at a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said. "Behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

JEST FOR FUN

A Tom Swiftie:

"I'll have the turtle soup" Tom said mockingly.

JEST FOR FUN

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

JEST FOR FUN

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

JEST FOR FUN

A guy and a girl are having a dinner in a fancy restaurant. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

The girl says, "That's French toast."

JEST FOR FUN

She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

JEST FOR FUN

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

JEST FOR FUN

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old? The nun replied, "Nah. Don't you know old habits are hard to break!

JEST FOR FUN

I noticed two large women by the bar.They both had stroneg accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" onee of them chirped, "It's Wales, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember.

JEST FOR FUN

Michael took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than 100 years old. After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse, Michael pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle. "What do you think this hole was for?" he asked his kids.

His twelve-year-old son replied, "It's a Coke can holder."

JEST FOR FUN

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small apple dropped out of the bell.
"Oh," said the musician when I handed him the f ruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."

JEST FOR FUN

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist:

While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely,

The Opportunist

JEST FOR FUN

Mrs. Gingrich was asked why her nickname for her husband was 'Tiny'. She said, "It's because he's my Newt."

JEST FOR FUN

A 'zero tolerance' bonehead award, goes to the Struthers Elementary School in Ohio for seeking the suspension of a 6-year-old student on a 'dangerous weapons violation', because he took a plastic butter knife from the school cafeteria and put it in his backpack, so he could take it home and show his mother that he can butter his toast by himself. Now the boy faces a 6-month suspension. In response, the parents have hired a lawyer and say that if the school continues to seek a suspension then they will seek, in return, to have criminal charges brought against the school for supplying weapons to children.

JEST FOR FUN

A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around the grocery store in a buggy. Placing two loaves of bread in the basket she said "And here's something for you, Diploma." Next she added
a dozen eggs to the basket saying, "Here you go, Diploma" and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!"

JEST FOR FUN

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definitione of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentioneal killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passione arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising positione.'" "See, I have a problem with that passione business," responeded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

JEST FOR FUN

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

JEST FOR FUN

A concierge at a posh resort in Colorado was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked her where the lift was. "Go down the hill," she told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

JEST FOR FUN

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah. Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to reSaint Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "Nu? So how is the new husband?"; She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."

JEST FOR FUN

A tangled bell ringer tolled himself off.

JEST FOR FUN

A elderly woman driver made a right-hand turn from the left lane and collided with another car. The other driver angrily asked, "Lady? Why in the hell didn't you signal at least?" She huffily replied, "Sir, if you paid any attention at all, you'd know I ALWAYS turn here."

JEST FOR FUN

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges"?

JEST FOR FUN

A new reporter was sent to cover the visit of a minister. Before his speech, the minister said to a reporter, "When you do your write up, please don't mention the anecdotes I use. I want to include them in other speeches I'm giving in town." Thus the reporter wrote, "The good Reverend told several stories that can't be repeated here."

JEST FOR FUN

I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her. "I've lost my wife," I muttered slightly louder than was necessary." Then I heard a strange man's voice from the next aisle, "Some people have all the luck."

JEST FOR FUN

A blonde called her local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," she said to the guy who answered the phone, "But how do I find the studs? "Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

JEST FOR FUN

Jill was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to tech support. The tech told her to flip it off. Jill said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what do I do?"

JEST FOR FUN

Several months ago, my daughter and I had similar virus symptoms. She decided to consult a doctor so as not to lose any more time from her job. "I'll see the doctor." she said, "and then tell you what's wrong with us." The next day she called to say, "Guess what, Mom. We're pregnant!"


JEST FOR FUN

My doctor said I was paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

JEST FOR FUN

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

JEST FOR FUN

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

JEST FOR FUN

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

JEST FOR FUN

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Perfect. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

JEST FOR FUN

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson
Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, hey Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

JEST FOR FUN

I went to a costume party where everyone was in costume, except for this one fellow who was dressed handsomely and was carting around a long piece of lumber that looked like a 2 x 4. I stopped trying to guess what his costume was, and instead just asked what he was dressed as. He pointed to himself and the piece of wood and said, "We're a couple of studs."

JEST FOR FUN

Tech support: "Okay, sir, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a P." "On your keyboard, sir." "What do you mean?" " 'P' on your keyboard, sir." "I'm not going to do that!"

JEST FOR FUN

Kara announced to her family, "Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an old-fashioned breakfast with eggs, ham, biscuits and grits."

Five-year-old Jessica groaned, "But, Mommy, you know I don't like eggs." Kara then reminded Jessica of all the food the little girl liked that contained eggs.

The next morning, when Jessica walked into the kitchen, Kara said, "Since you are here first, you can decide for the family. How do you want me to cook the eggs?"

Jessica answered, "In chocolate cake, please."

JEST FOR FUN

The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.

JEST FOR FUN

I once put my name and address in a bottle and threw it into the sea. Ten years later I got a letter from the Australian Government. It was a fine for littering their Melbourne Beach.

JEST FOR FUN

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.

JEST FOR FUN

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

JEST FOR FUN

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

JEST FOR FUN

One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill. "Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"

"Well, I should, but each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."

JEST FOR FUN

Cyndi Lauper was having a cookout with her family and suggested to her daughter that she might like to help cook the hot dogs. Her daughter replied that she'd rather just split open and toast the bread over the fire. "You know, mom," the kid suggested. "Grills just want two half buns."

JEST FOR FUN

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced, "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

JEST FOR FUN

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

JEST FOR FUN

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

JEST FOR FUN

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male. Because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them. And, of course, they're full of hot air.

JEST FOR FUN

A police officer pulls a car over for speeding, and as he's writing the ticket the officer looks at the driver carefully and says, "Sir, I can't help but notice that your eyes are very bloodshot. Have you been drinking?".

The driver stares up at the officer and says, "Officer, I can't help but notice that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

JEST FOR FUN

When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."

So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better.

JEST FOR FUN

James and Florence, a married couple, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members. Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did.

On one post-choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to order a glass of wine. Some time passed with no untoward consequences. Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, "James, I don't have a headache tonight!"

JEST FOR FUN

So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries, "Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My husband is in really bad shape!" The shrink rushes over. The worried wife say, "Thank God you are here, doctor. Just go down the hall. He's in the last room on the right." The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's husband sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a fish line in the toilet. He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very serious. But why didn't you call me sooner?" "Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning fish all week."

JEST FOR FUN

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's
milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where
many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older
goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She
then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

JEST FOR FUN

Jack walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Jack
started to leave. "Excuse me," said a customer who was puzzled over what Jack had done, "What was that all about?"

"Ah, it was nothin'," said Jack. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

JEST FOR FUN

Two women were talking during lunch break at work one day. "So, read any good books lately?" asked one.

"I have," the other replied, while sipping her coffee. "I'm currently reading a book on physics. It's actually all about anti-gravity."

"Is it good?" the first asked.

"It is!" her friend replied wide-eyed. "I can't put it down!"

JEST FOR FUN

Mrs. Brown was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Brown.

JEST FOR FUN

"In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictiveand it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it." - George Burns, 1896 - 1996

JEST FOR FUN

A woman went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

JEST FOR FUN

A boy is about to go on his first date and is nervous about what

to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies,

"My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are

food, family and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice

cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a

long time. As the boy's nervousness builds, he remembers his

father's advice and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes"?

She says, "No" and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his

father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother"?

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's

advice and asks, "If you did have a brother, do you think he

would like potato pancakes?"

JEST FOR FUN

A dentist tried out a new chocolate-flavored pumice paste on his patients. No one liked it except for a six-year-old boy. While the dentist polished his teeth, he continued to smile and lick his lips. "You must really like this new flavor," the dentist said.

"Yep," he replied, nodding with satisfaction. "It tastes just like the time I dropped my candy bar in the sandbox."

JEST FOR FUN

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have
been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken
is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he
said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said
they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken,
pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's
office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then
he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite
live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why,
so I told her it was because you could make them into fried
chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and
told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught
me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person
we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I
am now...

JEST FOR FUN

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer. The wheel was also a fine invention, but it doesn't go nearly as well with pizza.

JEST FOR FUN

It's a little-known fact that Julius Caesar did not die from stab wounds by Brutus, but rather he was poisoned. At the huge banquet on that fateful ides of March, Brutus slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's first Caesar's salad.) When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius gasped in reply, "Ate two, Brutus."

JEST FOR FUN

What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?

JEST FOR FUN

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

JEST FOR FUN

Some people just don't have a green thumb. When my son Bill learned his friend was going to The Home Depot, he asked, "Would you pick up some tulip bulbs? I need to get some for my mom." "Sure," his pal responded. "How many watts?"

JEST FOR FUN

A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking, "What would you like to drink?"

"You'll have to speak up," replies the man. "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing."

JEST FOR FUN

Notes left in milk bottles - remember the good old days?

Dear milkman...

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds
keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but
two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby
and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a
dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window
and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn
the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened
over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before
you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two
months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one
pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays
when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money
out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence,
because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow,
for I wrote this note yesterday.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is
dead until further notice.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let
dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't
leave any milk.

JEST FOR FUN

I just went outside to check my plum trees, in the back yard. Looks like what fruit there is on them is beginning to dry up. I think it's time to prune.

JEST FOR FUN

I'm planning on serving the left-over corned beef for supper tonight. My wife would rather have potatoes and onions. I guess we'll just have to hash things out.

JEST FOR FUN

When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

JEST FOR FUN

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,
The lonely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles
To tell you what she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize,
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.

JEST FOR FUN

If we aren't meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

JEST FOR FUN

When I got home late for supper last night, I told my wife that I had a pretty nasty fall and twisted my ankle. She thought that was a lame excuse.

JEST FOR FUN

Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.

JEST FOR FUN

The ship sank. He was the lone survivor. He swam towards a distant beach. When he arrived there, he crawled up on the shore to rest and count his blessings; that's when he saw the first one, a pecan pie. He then saw a banana split, a cup of vanilla gelatin, chocolate chip cookies, caramel apples and, yellow cake. Suddenly he realized he was on a desserted island.

JEST FOR FUN

Sally goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible."

But Sally keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home."

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize."

Sally says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.

JEST FOR FUN

The waitress poured a cup of coffee for a customer who had just taken a seat at the counter one morning. He tasted the coffee. "Excuse me," he said to the waitress, "this coffee tastes like mud!"

"Well," the waitress replied, "It was fresh ground this morning."

JEST FOR FUN

Worried about my increasing weight, I consulted my doctor about a healthy diet. "What is the least you have ever weighed?" asked the doctor.

Of course, I replied, "Seven pounds, six ounces."

JEST FOR FUN

Nobody can call him a quitter. He's always been fired from every job he ever had,

JEST FOR FUN

The phrase "melting pot" used to mean the United States of America. Now it means you put the wrong container in the microwave.

JEST FOR FUN

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number.

He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis. Could you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."

JEST FOR FUN

I think the presidential candidates should concentrate on players in the 
National Baseball League. That way they get the swing voters!



JEST FOR FUN

Ten Rules For Eating Your Valentine Chocolates

1. Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do on
Valentine's day. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

2. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.

3. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

4. The problem: How to get two pounds of Valentine chocolate
home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the
parking lot.

5. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

6. If you can't eat all your Valentine chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong
with you?

7. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate,
is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each
other?

8. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

9. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you
look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

10. A nice box of Valentine chocolates can provide your total
daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

JEST FOR FUN

A wealthy old farmer was having a family reunion with his large family and as they all sat down to the table for a Sunday roast beef dinner, the old man looked around at his six big strapping sons and said: "I don't see any grandchildren around this table of mine. I want you all to know that I will give $10,000 to the first one of you who presents me with a grandchild. We will now say grace."

When he raised his eyes again, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.

JEST FOR FUN

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

JEST FOR FUN

A woman went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and found her husband shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

JEST FOR FUN

Hank finally found the courage to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not even on her best day." Hank replied.

"Does she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Then what is it? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support."

JEST FOR FUN

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned sixty). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you want to live to be 80?"

JEST FOR FUN

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma,
received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government
for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business myself next year. What I want to know is, in your
opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on,
and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs,
but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as
easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I
can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs,
which will give me $80,000 income the first year.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not
feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good
time of the year to not raise hogs and grain. I am also
considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send
me any information on that also.

In view of these circumstances, I understand that the
government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to
file for unemployment and food stamps as well. Be assured
that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,

Duster Benton

JEST FOR FUN

During a Sunday-morning worship service, a mother tried everything she could think of˜including rewards, scoldings, and threats˜to get her fidgety 7-year-old to be quiet. Nothing worked. Finally, about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered something in the little boy's ear. He immediately stopped fidgeting and sat quietly for the rest of the service. Afterward a friend sitting in the row behind asked the young mother what she had said to her son. The mother smiled slyly and replied, "If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place, and then he'll have to start his sermon all over again."

JEST FOR FUN

A woman ahead of me at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.

"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."

A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

JEST FOR FUN

A lady was entertaining her friend's small son. "Are you sure you can cut your meat?" she asked after watching his struggles.

"Oh, yes," he replied, without looking up from his plate. "We often have it as tough as this at home."

JEST FOR FUN

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

JEST FOR FUN

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers. Out on the lake while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year, slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months." Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, "Think it over a bit more, Nigel. Women like that are hard to find."Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind to sue him.

JEST FOR FUN

Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

JEST FOR FUN

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"

JEST FOR FUN

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

JEST FOR FUN

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down
for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into
the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,
all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything
from cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to
move out for a few days and in the end, they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take
the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got
out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called
the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely
and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be
willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting
the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house
had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered
the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their
new home. And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain
rods with them.

JEST FOR FUN

If you're worried about cell phone microwaves, stick a piece of popcorn in your ear. When it pops, it's time to hang up.

JEST FOR FUN

Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

JEST FOR FUN

Because of an ear infection, a young boy, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. The mother was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to the boy. When he
asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to the mom. Without looking at it, she tucked it into her purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-
drug interaction the boy must have. When he saw the mother's puzzled expression, he showed her the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."

JEST FOR FUN

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

JEST FOR FUN

A handful of seven-year-old children were asked what they thought of beer. Here are some interesting responses.

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.

My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.

JEST FOR FUN

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently, he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking
the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

JEST FOR FUN

A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb. "This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks. "No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."

JEST FOR FUN

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers
aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available.

JEST FOR FUN

My daughter's boyfriend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So, she sent him a "Get Well" card.