Religion Humor

Credit: Most but not all of these jokes were taken from Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went into the men’s rest room, he saw a sign that read: “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

***

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “Take only one, God is watching.”

At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

***

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

Abe replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. “You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

**

A woman on a perennial diet starved her husband right along with herself, till he complained to his pastor that he couldn’t get his wife to serve him a decent meal and was growing positively malnourished. “I can’t get her to listen to reason. Maybe you can get somewhere with her,” the hubby complained.

So the pastor counseled the ever-dieting woman, who at last saw the error of her ways. “What shall I do to make amends?” she asked her spiritual counselor.

He told her, “Just repent and thin no more.”

**

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time. After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny’s voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you...”

***

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said “Let there be light.” And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.