Olympic Swimming Tryouts

Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women's marathon swim team were to be held. The first was in California; a swim from from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke. Three women signed up for the tryouts - a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Credit: Unknown.

Celebration Fail

Credit: Where I Got It: http://failblog.org/?utm_source=network&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=header

Going Vintage

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.


Credit: Unknown.

jest for fun

A man walked into a drugstore looking for a valentine card. "I'm looking for a really special valentine card," he said to the druggist behind the counter. "I think I have just the thing," said the druggist. He came out from behind the counter and walked over to the racks of greeting cards. The man followed. "Here it is," he said, pulling out a card. "It says, 'Words cannot describe how much I love you, my sweetheart. You'll always be my one and only true love.' " "That's perfect!" the man said. "I'll take three of those."

Any nerds in the house?

Maybe some of you played Legend of Zelda when you were young. If so, chances are good you NEVER pictured it like this, the original Japanese commercial. (Everyone should get a kick out of this whether they played the game or not. Worst advertising ever.)



Credit: Legend of Zelda commercial.

JEST FOR FUN

A friend who lost her mate several years ago developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his spouse. They seemed a perfect match, and all their children agreed they should get married. This was their invitation: Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison and Jonh, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.

Sumo Wrestlers

So adorable!


Credit: www.pyzam.com

Nice Look Alike

Credit: Where I Got It: http://totallylookslike.com/?utm_source=network&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=header

JEST FOR FUN

Today a riot broke out at the Grand theatre, Wolverhampton, England during the performance of a pantomime held on behalf of Paranoids Anonymous. The trouble started when someone shouted: "He's behind you!"

Man bulldozes his own house?!

Yep. Why? Well, read on. Weiiiiird story.

Ohio man bulldozes $350K home to avoid foreclosure
February 23, 2010 THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Related More oddities in the news
Did you know?

On yourhome.ca you can find listings of plumbers in your area.
Click now to search

MOSCOW, OHIO – An Ohio man says he bulldozed his US$350,000 home to keep a bank from foreclosing on it.

Terry Hoskins says he has struggled with the RiverHills Bank over his home in Moscow for years and had problems with the Internal Revenue Service. He says the IRS placed liens on his carpet store and commercial property and the bank claimed his house as collateral.

Hoskins says he owes $160,000 on the house. He says he spent a lot of money on attorneys and finally had enough. About two weeks ago he bulldozed the home 25 miles southeast of Cincinnati.

Messages were left for the bank and its attorney. IRS spokeswoman Jodie Reynolds said individual taxpayer information is private and federal law prevents her from commenting.

Credit: The Toronto Star, YourHome.ca and The Associated Press.

Ain't It The Truth

This is also the reason why hardwood floors were invented . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Making Donut Holes

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbs64GvGgPU

Jest for Fun

Bambi, the pert young blonde, filled her gas tank at a self service station. After she had paid and driven away, she realized she'd left the gas cap on top of her car. "Ooopsie" she said as she stopped and looked. Sure enough, it was lost. Mustering all her mental abilities she thought for a few minutes. "Surely I'm not the only young, beautiful, blonde woman to have done this." She muttered to herself. "Others must have done the same thing. Maybe if I drive back the way I came, I'll find a gas cap that will fit, or maybe even the one I lost." Bambi drove back down the street and sure enough, she found a gas cap laying by the side of the road. She tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying "click". "WOW, this is SO COOL", Bambi said to no one in particular. "I lost my gas cap, but found one that fits. It's even better than my old one because this one automatically LOCKS!"

Bad Headline or Truth Sayer

Credit: www.pyzam.com

Weird Al tells it like it is.

Well. For downloading music, anyway.



Credit: Weird Al Yankovic.

The new golfer asked the pro, "How much for a golf lesson?"

"They're 13 lessons for $150 or a single lesson for $1,000."

"Why do you charge $1,000 for a single lesson yet offer a series for only $150?!"

"If you expect to learn golf in one lesson, you're expecting a miracle. And if you're expecting a miracle, you should expect to pay for one."


Get Your Taxes Done Here

At least they are honest about it. Can't say that about Uncle Sam.


Credit: www.pyzam.com

Garter Snakes Can Be Dangerous

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

Credit: Unknown.

I Will Come Down

This describes a lot of my days, and I am not a cat . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/?utm_source=network&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=header

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil b@tches.

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Jest for Fun

Mountain climbers rope themselves together to prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Seen Avatar?

Time for the superior alternative. (The end is a bit graphic, but really, they're just dolls. Watch with a little caution.)

Avatar... with Babies from The Midnight Show

Balloon Fail

Sometimes the wind blows you know not where . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://failblog.org/?utm_source=network&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=header

Jest for Fun

The blonde was recovering after having given birth. She asked for ice. The nurse provided it, then watched as the blonde placed the ice between her breasts. "What are you doing that for?"
"That's to keep the milk fresh."

Treats Are Expected

Credit: Where I Got It: http://ihasahotdog.com/?utm_source=network&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=header

JEST FOR FUN

For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?" "Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied. "How many adults will there be?" she asked.

Not the Best Idea

There are so many things wrong with this picture, sunbathing in general, sitting on a window ledge in your apartment building, that hat, the swimsuit, old people shouldn't wear bikinis, never raise your arms while wearing a bikini, etc. It is hard to pick just one bad idea. You be the judge.



Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

I Am Unfamiliar

It's a little early, but festive . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Jest for Fun

A couple was waiting for their food at a Chinese restaurant when the waiter set chopsticks at their places. The woman made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As a staunch environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The old waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely.

"Why thank you," responded the woman. "They're genuine ivory."

Funny Scene From The Producers

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psyrnMFD6KI

Cat swims.

Owners are jerks.



(The real fail, however, is that somebody commented on the page saying it must be fake because cats can't swim.)

Credit: Unknown. (If this video belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Jest for Fun

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself undisturbed by the facts.

Very Bad Joke For Valentine's Day

This joke is so awful it is actually funny.

Three friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Collective groan now.

Admit it...You know it made you smile!

Credit: Unknown.

Weird Al stays true to his name.

This time with Avril Lavigne.



Credit: Al TV.

Bert and Ernie go brutal.

Starts off normal, but...



Credit: Sesame Street. And, uh, someone's odd imagination.

This Valentine's Day

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Valentine Hearts Found In Unusual Places

Valentine Exhaust Pipes

Valentine Dog

Valentine Coffee

Valentine Beer

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Jest for Fun

A perverted pedicurist would break into people's homes and trim their nails while they were sleeping. He was a clip toe maniac.

Music Humor

My Kinda Cat

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Valentine Wisdom

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Ah, forgetfulness.

Is it a bad sign that at 25 (or is it 26? Honestly, I forget all the time) that I see these sorts of things happening to me constantly?



Credit: Mack Dryden.

Jest for Fun

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Smoking is bad.

Goofy knows what he's talking about.



Credit: Disney.

Valentine's Day From a Different Perspective

Some people view Valentine's Day as the day to tell that special someone how much they mean to you. Others see Valentine's Day as an opportunity...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Credit: Unknown.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.



What Not To Give Her For Valentine's Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide

the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6. A gift certificate.

7. Cash.

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on

the way over, even if you didn't.

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

Credit: Unknown.

Escape from Moneky Island!

Yes, it's a lot of reading, but this totally true story is pretty funny. (Though there is at least one sad bit.)

Check it out here. The Flash is pretty nice too. (Which is a subtle sign that you need Flash installed.)

Credit: TampaBay.com.

Jest for Fun

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark or Lois?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at WalMart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you decide which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at WalMart, I looked up and there was the sign: 'FIRE LANE.'"

Lady Gaga Look Alike

This must be a fail . . .

Credit: Where I Got It: http://totallylookslike.com/

Robots dance.

They really do!



Credit: BoingBoing.net

Jest for Fun

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you'd like to meet him.

More Mood Badges

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Badges for Everyday Life

Now these are badges that would actually make sense to wear!








Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Fraiser Cast In Star Trek: Voyager

The video quality is not good, but the sketch is pretty funny.

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6iI1iSdXGM

Jest for Fun

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you'd like to meet him.

At A Loss

Credit: Where I Got It: http://ihasahotdog.com/

You ain't seen weird.

'til you've seen Tom Selleck.

Near a waterfall.

With a sandwich.

Over and over again.

...

say whaaaaaaaaaaaa

Credit: Unknown. (If you were weird enough to make this page, click here to claim it.)

Clothing Drive

This should be the way all fundraisers are run!



Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

Jest for Fun

A Japanese study holds out the promise that stem cells from liposuction fat could be used to increase women's breast size without the use of implants. Today Congress called for a 30 percent increase in funding for stem cell research.



Breaking News: Brett Favre retires

ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre has retired and will settle in the
Minneapolis area where he will co-own a bakery with teammate Adrian Peterson.



Their specialty will be turnovers.


Credit: Unknown.

My Bunny Lies Over The Sea

Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o998D6ry5lU

Caught in the act.

Keep an eye over the left (your left) shoulder of the guy being interviewed. One of the employees in the background got caught looking at something naughty.



Credit: BoingBoing.net

Green Guys in BC.

Is this win? Fail? Weird? I... really don't know. Looks like they screw with hockey players, anyway.

--



Credit: Global Morning News.

Jest for Fun

The state of Israel soon turns 62, meaning, it won't be long before it moves to Florida.

Bird Feeder Fail

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Jest for Fun

Sara and Molly were nature lovers and they went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So Sara and Molly drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read: "BEAR LEFT." So Sara and Molly decided they wouldn't get any pictures that day and they turned around and went home.

Whale or Mermaid?

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It read, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

"To Whom It May Concern, Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They plan and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world. Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close the them. Not to mention, how could they have sex? Just look at them...where it IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fishery? The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale!"

Here's to whales everywhere!


Credit: Unknown.

Your 1040 Is Wrong

Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

How Various Publications Would Announce the End of the World

TERMINAL HEADLINES



When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?



USA Today: WE'RE DEAD



The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS



National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN



Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE



Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE



Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER



Wired: THE LAST NEW THING



Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR



Readers Digest: 'BYE



Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?



Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!



America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.



Forbes magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE



TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY