Monday, November 30, 2009
French and Saunders Take A Swipe At Star Wars
Two of my favorite comediennes--Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0syR0FmwRZw
Humor in the Headlines
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
Actual newspaper headline: MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
Actual newspaper headline: MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Potato Prostitute
Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
You're gonna love it...
It's the one with the little sticker that says...
I - DA - HO!
Credit: Unknown.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
You're gonna love it...
It's the one with the little sticker that says...
I - DA - HO!
Credit: Unknown.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Senior Moment
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!'
Credit: Unknown.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Can't find a Book
If you can't find the book you are looking for...
You are probably at the ...
keep scrolling...
wait for it...
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
You are probably at the ...
keep scrolling...
wait for it...
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Jest for Fun
Credit Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Good moves, bad description.
Scratch that. HORRIBLE description. I don't know how anybody could learn from what this guy has to say.
Clash Kittehs Clean The Catbox
Happy Thanksgiving!
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sRUq2QXDiE
Jest for Fun
As a concerned citizen visiting in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with my Congressman when I stopped to use the public restroom. After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine. The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Bohemian Rhapsody is one of those songs you just HAVE to sing to.
Watching the Muppets perform it, though... it's hard not to just watch in silent, reverent awe.
Jest for Fun
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately "Does she cook and clean?"
One of the women spoke up immediately "Does she cook and clean?"
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Jim Carrey has a thing for Christmas movies.
But he also likes to get into the holiday mood with his singing voice - and, no surprise, it's quite a wonder to hear.
Credit: The Jay Leno Show.
Credit: The Jay Leno Show.
Jest for Fun
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was 'Mom.' "Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was 'Mom.' "Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
Monday, November 23, 2009
The World's Worst Joke.
Yes, such things are subjective, but I must admit that this one is preeeeeetty bad.
--
In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.
There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.
It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.
During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.
The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.
And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.
A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.
The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.
In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.
Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank - hungry, tired, and exhausted.
"I need food," whimpered Bob.
"We could always eat the fish," suggested Sidney.
"Don't be stupid," said Geoff.
"Lets all stay calm," said Bernard.
"I've been thinking," said Jim, thoughtfully.
"Haven't we all," responded Geoff, "there's nothing else to do round here but think. I'm all thunk out."
"No, Look," continued Jim. "Here we all are famished, and there's a snack machine just over there."
"Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that'll go down a treat," said Bob, sarcastically.
Jim sighed. "No one need ever know."
"And what about the camera pointing straight at it?" asked Bernard.
"Aha, but there's no camera pointing at the back of it!" announced Jim.
Sidney looked on in despair. "Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!"
"And what would we do with the wrappers?" Said Bob nervously. "There's talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!"
Jim smiled a long cunning smile. "As I said, I've been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them."
Geoff was only half convinced. "There's still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked."
"I've thought of that, watch this..." Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.
As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.
The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.
The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.
The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.
The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.
"Don't sit on that ancient thing" snapped Geoff.
"What?" asked Bernard.
"He's right" said Jim. "That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway."
So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.
Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.
They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.
They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.
"And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank."
David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.
Mr. Attenborough wasn't so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.
The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.
And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.
The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.
Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don't nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.
David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn't going to pull the crowds in.
The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn't have them all locked up on criminal charges.
The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he'd got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.
"How? just How? how... How could you?" he finally exploded.
"We're all very sorry. Really, we are." Jim hesitantly replied.
"Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you're sorry!"
"Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are."
"We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!"
"We're sorry about that."
"So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs..."
"We're sorry about that as well."
"...And, without a care, you steal from this company..."
"And we're very sorry about that."
"And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium..."
"Ah, yes, we're sorry about that, too."
"...And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!"
"Actually sir, that isn't quite true..."
"What?"
"We didn't do it on porpoise."
Credit: Christian Cook. (Check out the rest of his website, as well. Good stuff.)
--
In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.
There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.
It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.
During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.
The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.
And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.
A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.
The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.
In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.
Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank - hungry, tired, and exhausted.
"I need food," whimpered Bob.
"We could always eat the fish," suggested Sidney.
"Don't be stupid," said Geoff.
"Lets all stay calm," said Bernard.
"I've been thinking," said Jim, thoughtfully.
"Haven't we all," responded Geoff, "there's nothing else to do round here but think. I'm all thunk out."
"No, Look," continued Jim. "Here we all are famished, and there's a snack machine just over there."
"Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that'll go down a treat," said Bob, sarcastically.
Jim sighed. "No one need ever know."
"And what about the camera pointing straight at it?" asked Bernard.
"Aha, but there's no camera pointing at the back of it!" announced Jim.
Sidney looked on in despair. "Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!"
"And what would we do with the wrappers?" Said Bob nervously. "There's talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!"
Jim smiled a long cunning smile. "As I said, I've been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them."
Geoff was only half convinced. "There's still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked."
"I've thought of that, watch this..." Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.
As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.
The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.
The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.
The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.
The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.
"Don't sit on that ancient thing" snapped Geoff.
"What?" asked Bernard.
"He's right" said Jim. "That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway."
So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.
Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.
They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.
They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.
"And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank."
David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.
Mr. Attenborough wasn't so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.
The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.
And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.
The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.
Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don't nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.
David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn't going to pull the crowds in.
The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn't have them all locked up on criminal charges.
The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he'd got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.
"How? just How? how... How could you?" he finally exploded.
"We're all very sorry. Really, we are." Jim hesitantly replied.
"Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you're sorry!"
"Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are."
"We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!"
"We're sorry about that."
"So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs..."
"We're sorry about that as well."
"...And, without a care, you steal from this company..."
"And we're very sorry about that."
"And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium..."
"Ah, yes, we're sorry about that, too."
"...And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!"
"Actually sir, that isn't quite true..."
"What?"
"We didn't do it on porpoise."
Credit: Christian Cook. (Check out the rest of his website, as well. Good stuff.)
What's the Meaning?
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
What's the Definition of...
Abusive .... What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
Ambivalance .... Well, it could be yes and it could be no.
Amnesia .... I forget.
Antipathy .... You would have to ask me that.
Amorous .... I love the way you ask that question.
Apathy .... I don't care.
Apologetic .... I'm sorry that you have to ask me that.
Argumenative .... Are you looking for a fight?
Authoritarian .... I'll tell you when you can ask me questions!
Bigotry .... I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Blasphemous .... God Dammit, I told you not to ask!
Compulsive .... I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
Conditional .... Well, it depends.
Damnation .... You and your questions can go to hell!
Depressed .... You would have to ask me that.
Dyslexic .... Gniees sdrawkcab.
Egotistical .... I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive .... Have you done your homework today?
Exhausted .... I'm too tired to answer you right now.
Flatulent .... That question really stinks!
Greedy .... What's in it for me if I tell you?
Hemorrhoids .... You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
Hostility .... If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Hypochondriacal .... The thought of it makes me sick.
Ignorance .... I don't know.
Indifference .... It doesn't matter.
Influenza .... You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insecure .... I don't think I want to know thesanswer to that question.
Insensitive .... I don't care if you don't know the answer.
Insomnia .... I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Intoxicated .... ** BURP **
Irreverent .... I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Laconic…… ¥ep!
Masturbation .... I can single-handedly answer that question.
Narcissism .... Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Nausea .... That question is going to make me vomit.
Nonchalant .... It's not important.
Obstinate .... I'm not going to tell you.
Optomistic: I’ll be able to answer any question you give me.
Over-Protective .... I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Over-Sensitive .... How could you ask me a question like that?
Paranoid .... You think I don't know the answer, don't you?
Pessimistic .... I'm sure I won't give the right answer.
Procrastination .... I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive .... I already told you the answer once before.
Sarcastic .... That's a stupid question to ask me.
Secretive .... I can't tell you right now.
Seductive .... Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.
Self-Centered .... Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Senile .... When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.
Subjective .... It's all in how you look at the question.
Suspicious .... Why are you asking me all these questions?
Temperamental .... What the heck do you want to know that for???
Verbose __ I'm glad you asked me that question because I have done extensive research into that very issue and am probably the most qualified person you could find to give you an accurate answer to your inquiry.
Withdrawn ....
What's the Definition of...
Abusive .... What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
Ambivalance .... Well, it could be yes and it could be no.
Amnesia .... I forget.
Antipathy .... You would have to ask me that.
Amorous .... I love the way you ask that question.
Apathy .... I don't care.
Apologetic .... I'm sorry that you have to ask me that.
Argumenative .... Are you looking for a fight?
Authoritarian .... I'll tell you when you can ask me questions!
Bigotry .... I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Blasphemous .... God Dammit, I told you not to ask!
Compulsive .... I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
Conditional .... Well, it depends.
Damnation .... You and your questions can go to hell!
Depressed .... You would have to ask me that.
Dyslexic .... Gniees sdrawkcab.
Egotistical .... I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive .... Have you done your homework today?
Exhausted .... I'm too tired to answer you right now.
Flatulent .... That question really stinks!
Greedy .... What's in it for me if I tell you?
Hemorrhoids .... You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
Hostility .... If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Hypochondriacal .... The thought of it makes me sick.
Ignorance .... I don't know.
Indifference .... It doesn't matter.
Influenza .... You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insecure .... I don't think I want to know thesanswer to that question.
Insensitive .... I don't care if you don't know the answer.
Insomnia .... I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Intoxicated .... ** BURP **
Irreverent .... I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Laconic…… ¥ep!
Masturbation .... I can single-handedly answer that question.
Narcissism .... Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Nausea .... That question is going to make me vomit.
Nonchalant .... It's not important.
Obstinate .... I'm not going to tell you.
Optomistic: I’ll be able to answer any question you give me.
Over-Protective .... I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Over-Sensitive .... How could you ask me a question like that?
Paranoid .... You think I don't know the answer, don't you?
Pessimistic .... I'm sure I won't give the right answer.
Procrastination .... I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive .... I already told you the answer once before.
Sarcastic .... That's a stupid question to ask me.
Secretive .... I can't tell you right now.
Seductive .... Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you.
Self-Centered .... Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Senile .... When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.
Subjective .... It's all in how you look at the question.
Suspicious .... Why are you asking me all these questions?
Temperamental .... What the heck do you want to know that for???
Verbose __ I'm glad you asked me that question because I have done extensive research into that very issue and am probably the most qualified person you could find to give you an accurate answer to your inquiry.
Withdrawn ....
Lesson in Manners
A lawyer boarded an airplane in
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Credit: Unknown.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Golden Eagle vs. Fox
The golden eagle is one fierce bird. These amazing pictures were taken as the golden eagle chases off a fox from its kill.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Friday, November 20, 2009
Ever heard of The Box?
This is what happens when you give the option to an idiot.
Credit: Funny or Die.
The Button - watch more funny videos
Credit: Funny or Die.
Jest for Fun
Credit: Unknown.
Sign at a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
Sign at a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
Mouse Eats Leopard's Lunch
"Seemingly unaware of the beast towering over it, the tiny rodent grabbed at
scraps of meat thrown into the African Leopard's enclosure. But instead of
pouncing on the tiny intruder, the 12-year-old leopard Sheena kept her
distance. After a few minutes she tried to nudge the mouse away with her
nose, but the determined little guy kept hewing away until he was full.
The extraordinary scene was captured by photography student Casey Gutteridgeat the Santago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire, England. The 19-year-old, photographing the leopard for a course project, was astounded by the mouse's behavior.
He said had no idea where the mouse came from. He just appeared after the
keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard. Taking no notice of the leopard,the mouse went straight over to the meat and started eating.
Even when the leopard bent down and sniffed him, the mouse just carried on
eating like nothing had happened. Even the keeper said he'd never seen
anything like it before.
Project owner Jackie James added: “It was so funny to see - Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food. But the determined
little thing took no notice and just carried on.”
The mouse continued to eat the leopard's lunch and showed the leopard who was boss. We can only assume that Casey received a grade of A on his project!"
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1190772/What-squeak-Daring-mouse-whos-boss-scares-leopard-steals-lunch.html
scraps of meat thrown into the African Leopard's enclosure. But instead of
pouncing on the tiny intruder, the 12-year-old leopard Sheena kept her
distance. After a few minutes she tried to nudge the mouse away with her
nose, but the determined little guy kept hewing away until he was full.
The extraordinary scene was captured by photography student Casey Gutteridgeat the Santago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire, England. The 19-year-old, photographing the leopard for a course project, was astounded by the mouse's behavior.
He said had no idea where the mouse came from. He just appeared after the
keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard. Taking no notice of the leopard,the mouse went straight over to the meat and started eating.
Even when the leopard bent down and sniffed him, the mouse just carried on
eating like nothing had happened. Even the keeper said he'd never seen
anything like it before.
Project owner Jackie James added: “It was so funny to see - Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food. But the determined
little thing took no notice and just carried on.”
The mouse continued to eat the leopard's lunch and showed the leopard who was boss. We can only assume that Casey received a grade of A on his project!"
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1190772/What-squeak-Daring-mouse-whos-boss-scares-leopard-steals-lunch.html
The 11th Husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me .
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............. God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Barney's Gun
A classic scene . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLsg0EvZozI
Jest for Fun
Credit: Training 2 Laugh
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off. The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted.
At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him. He said to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in Hell, please STAND UP!" The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed, he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!"
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off. The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted.
At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him. He said to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in Hell, please STAND UP!" The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed, he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!"
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The Brady Bunch Opening
Haven't seen this in ages, but used to watch the show years ago. Good times.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkeGOH5vy7I
Amazing Grace like you've never heard it before.
I really can't tell if this man is being serious about his singing or not. If he is, well...
jest for fun
Credit: Training 2 Laugh
Passing a rather large office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so and after several minutes, she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself," she replied.
Passing a rather large office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so and after several minutes, she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself," she replied.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Yearly Physical
So I went to the doctor for my yearly physical today.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale. ~ Turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 7," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"... hmph...
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale. ~ Turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 7," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"... hmph...
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Yes, some people are desperate for physicality.
But this might be a bit much.
---
TAMPA, Fla. - Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes.
Tampa police said 29-year-old Joshua Basso made sexual comments to the 911 dispatcher and asked if he could come to her house. Investigators say she hung up, but he called back four more times.
Arrested later
He was arrested about 15 minutes later at his home late Wednesday and charged with making a false 911 call. Basso reportedly told officers that he didn't think he would get in trouble for calling 911.
Credit: MSNBC.
---
TAMPA, Fla. - Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes.
Tampa police said 29-year-old Joshua Basso made sexual comments to the 911 dispatcher and asked if he could come to her house. Investigators say she hung up, but he called back four more times.
Arrested later
He was arrested about 15 minutes later at his home late Wednesday and charged with making a false 911 call. Basso reportedly told officers that he didn't think he would get in trouble for calling 911.
Credit: MSNBC.
Jest for Fun
Credit: Training 2 Laugh
Ted had just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. He was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time.
His first customer ordered a milkshake.
"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."
His second customer ordered a cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."
At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register, kid!"
Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"
Ted had just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. He was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time.
His first customer ordered a milkshake.
"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."
His second customer ordered a cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."
At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register, kid!"
Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"
Monday, November 16, 2009
JEST FOR FUN
Credit: Training 2 Laugh
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
One of the priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
One of the priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Ever wondered what Dunegons and Dragons players do all day?
This is a good reenactment.
Credit: The Dead Ale Wives.
Credit: The Dead Ale Wives.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Spoiled Rotten Cats
You have to admit, it looks like they are having a blast!
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Jest for Fun
I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I
was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the
bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas
party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from
Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Invisible Man - Part 3
More pictures of Liu Bolin's incredible art. He paints on himself to blend into the background. It is truly amazing how he disappears into the scene.
Credit: www.telegraph.co.uk
Credit: www.telegraph.co.uk
Upside Down Dodge Viper Logo Totally Looks Like Daffy Duck
Credit: Where I Got It: http://totallylookslike.com/
Jest for Fun
The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They had just been told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.
"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.
"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."
Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.
He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."
"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.
"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."
Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.
He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Cat At Table
This is an example of a VBC (very bad cat) . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Jest for Fun
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.'
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.'
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Jest for Fun
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed.. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards.. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports . They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed.. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards.. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports . They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Invisible Man - Part 1
Meet Liu Bolin, a real life invisible man. Bolin is an artist with the ability to blend into any background.
Bolin is able to blend into any surroundings no matter how complicated they might be.
The artist, from Shandong, China, paints on himself to merge with whatever is behind him.
People walking past him, have no idea he is there until he moves.
Credit: Telegraph.co.uk
Bolin is able to blend into any surroundings no matter how complicated they might be.
The artist, from Shandong, China, paints on himself to merge with whatever is behind him.
People walking past him, have no idea he is there until he moves.
Credit: Telegraph.co.uk
Did someone say dogs?
No? Oh well. Here are some more dog jokes anyway.
How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone !
What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
Any kind of bloodhound !
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !!
What do you call a happy Lassie ?
A jolly collie !
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?
A dingo-ling !
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud hound !
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
What is the dogs favourite city ?
New Yorkie !
Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?
Growlcho Marx !
Credit: Scatty.com.
How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone !
What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
Any kind of bloodhound !
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !!
What do you call a happy Lassie ?
A jolly collie !
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?
A dingo-ling !
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud hound !
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
What is the dogs favourite city ?
New Yorkie !
Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?
Growlcho Marx !
Credit: Scatty.com.
Jest for Fun
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
A U. S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that
his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get
his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how
much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A commander
chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A lieutenant said it was
50-50%. An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no
consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of
making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the
young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The captain
was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there
was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man.
A U. S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that
his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get
his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how
much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A commander
chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A lieutenant said it was
50-50%. An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no
consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of
making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the
young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The captain
was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there
was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Mama Always Said to Dress for Success
Mayor Stu Rasmussen, 61, of Silverton, Ore., elected last year even though he dresses openly as a woman, drew criticism from officials of a community group in July when he addressed students while wearing a miniskirt and a swimsuit top. Critics suggested he should dress at least in "professional" women's clothes when speaking to youth groups. [KATU-TV (Portland), 7-23-09]
Credit: www.newsoftheweird.com
Credit: www.newsoftheweird.com
Cats Everywhere Agree
Our cats certainly agree . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
It was 6 p. m., and I was about to leave the coin-op laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."
I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
It was 6 p. m., and I was about to leave the coin-op laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."
I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Fishing
Isn't it heartwarming when you see a father teaching his son how to fish?
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Hunting Season
Hunting pictures with happy endings . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Angels explained by kids
Angels, explained by kids:
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold... Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. --Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. --Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows. --Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. --Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. --Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. --Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold... Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. --Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. --Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows. --Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. --Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. --Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. --Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
My question is...
Why didn't the police just give in in the first place? Is a pizza party THAT expensive?
--
Ananova:
Hostage released for pizza
An Australian prison guard held hostage for two days was released after a ransom demand for pizzas was met.
Up to 20 inmates at the Risdon Prison in Hobart, Tasmania, seized the guard in a protest over conditions in the maximum security jail.
Initially they made 24 demands to authorities, but eventually gave up their hostage after agreeing to 15 pizzas, Coke and garlic bread instead.
"At midnight, the final sticking point with the inmates was that they were requiring pizzas to be delivered. Our staff member was negotiated out with the delivery of 15 pizzas," Graeme Barber, Tasmania's director of prisons, told The Advocate newspaper.
The guard is recovering from his ordeal at home.
Credit: Ananova.com.
--
Ananova:
Hostage released for pizza
An Australian prison guard held hostage for two days was released after a ransom demand for pizzas was met.
Up to 20 inmates at the Risdon Prison in Hobart, Tasmania, seized the guard in a protest over conditions in the maximum security jail.
Initially they made 24 demands to authorities, but eventually gave up their hostage after agreeing to 15 pizzas, Coke and garlic bread instead.
"At midnight, the final sticking point with the inmates was that they were requiring pizzas to be delivered. Our staff member was negotiated out with the delivery of 15 pizzas," Graeme Barber, Tasmania's director of prisons, told The Advocate newspaper.
The guard is recovering from his ordeal at home.
Credit: Ananova.com.
Jest for Fun
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's hen house please refrain from giving any money. This church doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Big Treat on Halloween
TERRACE PARK, Ohio - A Halloween trick or treater in Ohio may have gotten a bigger treat than expected - a diamond ring.
A woman in suburban Cincinnati tells WXIX-TV she thinks she may have lost her wedding ring when she was tossing candy into trick or treaters' bags on Halloween.
Elizabeth Olson says she had the ring enlarged and thinks it may have slipped off her finger when she was throwing candy into the bags, buckets and pillowcases.
Olson is asking people to keep an eye out for the ring and to return it to her if they find it.
Credit: AP
A woman in suburban Cincinnati tells WXIX-TV she thinks she may have lost her wedding ring when she was tossing candy into trick or treaters' bags on Halloween.
Elizabeth Olson says she had the ring enlarged and thinks it may have slipped off her finger when she was throwing candy into the bags, buckets and pillowcases.
Olson is asking people to keep an eye out for the ring and to return it to her if they find it.
Credit: AP
A tragedy for boozehounds everywhere.
Most of this video is irrelevant. It's just the warehouse crash that's got people talking. Feel free to skip ahead to it.
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