- Everything you like is bad for you.
- If it isn't bad for you, it's too expensive.
- If you can afford it, it's out of season.
- You will realize it's back in season the day that the grocery store runs out.
- Every recipe ever written includes one ingredient that you do not have in your kitchen. If you attempt to go buy this ingredient, you will realize you are missing another one.
- Substitutions never taste right.
- Ovens either overcook or undercook. They never get it just right.
- Microwave ovens always overcook and undercook at the same time.
- The grocery store always gets a fresh shipment immediately after you buy your food for the week.
- You will always forget the most important item if you don't make a list.
- If you do make a list, the store will be out of your most important item.
- Every item in the store will be on sale, except the ones that you want.
- Coupons always expire before you have a chance to use them.
- The only person who ever gets to use coupons is the person in front of you in line.
- The number of coupons of the person in front of you is directly proportional to how much of a hurry you're in.
- No matter which checkout line you get in, it will always be the slowest one.
- The "Fast lane" isn't.
- Stores open 24-hours cannot close for their daily inventory update. Therefore, they just turn off the registers for ten minutes while they "download" the data. Invariably, they will plan this event to coincide with your arrival in the checkout line.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Murphy's Laws of Food
Beaker Has Too Much Coffee
Gotta love Beaker.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTC2Ihnsrf0
F.E.M.A. GENIE
Credit: Unknown.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, an he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?''
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems..
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
*** POOF***
He was turned into a tampon..
The moral of the story: If the government is going to help you...you can bet that there's a string attached.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, an he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?''
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems..
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
*** POOF***
He was turned into a tampon..
The moral of the story: If the government is going to help you...you can bet that there's a string attached.
JEST FOR FUN - Quick Takes
Radio DJ: Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning.
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine
my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
I’m dating a guy with a lazy eye, but I just found out he’s seeing someone else on the side.
I have discovered that I am a walking economy. My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine
my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”
I’m dating a guy with a lazy eye, but I just found out he’s seeing someone else on the side.
I have discovered that I am a walking economy. My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Murphy's Laws of Love
- All the good ones are taken.
- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (Corrollary to 1)
- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
- Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
- The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
- Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
- The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.
- Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
- Nice guys (girls) finish last.
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
Credit: www.murphyslaws.net
Funny commercials.
Oh man. These are great. Won't let me link directly to them through embedding, unfortunately, but trust me, they're well worth watching. My favorite is the man and the bear fighting it out for the fish, though the last one is pretty good too. (I noticed a looooot of them are for beer. Guess those guys get more leeway when they're having fun with their ads.)
JEST FOR FUN
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
WILLIES VS BOOBS
Credit: Unknown.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a womans' boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?'' the son says.
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases, too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.''
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter says.
"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decorations."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a womans' boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?'' the son says.
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases, too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.''
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter says.
"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decorations."
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Murphy's Laws of Sex
- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feeling.
- Nothing improves with age.
- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
- Sex has no calories.
- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- No sex with anyone in the same office.
- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
- A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- Virginity can be cured.
- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
- It is always the wrong time of month.
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
- The younger the better.
- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
- Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
- Love is a hole in the heart.
- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
- Do it only with the best.
- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired- or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Never say no.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
- Love comes in spurts.
- The world does not revolve on an axis.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
- Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- "This won't hurt, I promise."
Credit: www.murphyslaws.net
Farewell speech made beautiful.
Whether you're a booster or a or booer of Sarah Palin (let's not get too deep in politics here), you have to admit her farewell speech was, uh, kinda weird. I certainly thought so.
Apparently Conan O'Brien did, too, coming to the conclusion that it's... well, watch and you'll see. The end result involves one of the best actors ever, and not necessarily because he's a good actor. He's just so weird.
Apparently Conan O'Brien did, too, coming to the conclusion that it's... well, watch and you'll see. The end result involves one of the best actors ever, and not necessarily because he's a good actor. He's just so weird.
JEST FOR FUN
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. “The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.”
“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?”
“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”
“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?”
“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”
ONE DAY JOB
Credit: Unknown.
So after landing my new job as a department store greeter, (am excellent find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day. Only two hours into the job a loud-mouth, unattractive, mean-acting woman entered the store with her two children. She shouted obscenities at them all the way through the front entrance.
As I was instructed during my training, I smiled and pleasantly said, "Good morning and welcome to our store. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling at the two children long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one is going on ten, and the other one is only seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
My reply was, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at our store."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
So after landing my new job as a department store greeter, (am excellent find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day. Only two hours into the job a loud-mouth, unattractive, mean-acting woman entered the store with her two children. She shouted obscenities at them all the way through the front entrance.
As I was instructed during my training, I smiled and pleasantly said, "Good morning and welcome to our store. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling at the two children long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one is going on ten, and the other one is only seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
My reply was, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at our store."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Murphy's Laws of Dating
- Every girl already has a boyfriend.
- If you think things are going well in a relationship, you have overlooked something.
- Given enough time, any relationship will end unhappily.
- Everywhere in the world, women outnumber men. The only exceptions to this are the place you live and any place you may move to.
- Women will talk to you if and only if they are unavailable.
- No woman will treat you as badly as the woman you marry.
Credit: www.murphyslaws.net
Mississippi Totally Looks Like Bart Simpson
Erm, shouldn't that be Bart Simpson totally looks like Mississippi . . . but I digress.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://totallylookslike.com/2009/07/28/mississippi-totally-looks-like-bart-simpson/#comments
JEST FOR FUN
Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister
conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly, "Sin?"
Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister
conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly, "Sin?"
Monday, July 27, 2009
Understanding Murphy's Law
- Murphy's Original Law
- If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.
- Murphy's Law
- If anything can go wrong -- it will.
- Murphy's First Corollary
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
- Murphy's Second Corollary
- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
- Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law
- Everything goes wrong all at once.
- Murphy's Constant
- Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
- The Murphy Philosophy
- Smile... tomorrow will be worse.
- Conclusions
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
Corollary - If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then. - If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong.
- Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
- If anything can't go wrong, it will anyway.
- If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Everything takes longer than you think.
- You never find a lost article until you replace it.
- If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
- You get the most of what you need the least.
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
- Mother nature is a bitch.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
Credit: www.murphyslaws.net
Crazy Mixed Up Pup
I love the dog fight part-way through . . .Also, as someone mentions in the comments, that is perhaps the world's worst intersection.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgWk4ZzbbFQ
It's nice to see where our money's going.
These lawyers are clearly professionals.
--
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary’s Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
--
Credit: All Bad Jokes.
--
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary’s Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
--
Credit: All Bad Jokes.
SINGLE VS ENGAGED VS MARRIAGE
Credit: Unknown.
SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had *** all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had *** all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
JEST FOR FUN
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. “OK, Simpson,” says the investigator, “You were near the scene, what happened?”
“Well, it’s like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him
take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”
“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?”
“About 20 years, sir”
“Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.”
“It was, sir.”
“Well, it’s like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him
take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”
“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?”
“About 20 years, sir”
“Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.”
“It was, sir.”
Friday, July 24, 2009
National Lampoon's Vacation--Holiday Road
Hope you get to jump in the car and head down the Holiday Road this sunny weekend . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a6e0qhfzu0
MARRIAGE WARNING
Credit: Unknown.
After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day & said, "Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal. Now I have a
$650,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black & white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day & said, "Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal. Now I have a
$650,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black & white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
JEST FOR FUN
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she's there.”
Thursday, July 23, 2009
UPS fix it requests
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
More merry Monty madness.
After I found this one I just had to share it. This is Monty Python's version of football (or, as most readers of this site will prefer, soccer), philosopher's style.
WHY PARENTS DRINK
Credit: Unknown.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello, is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?''
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?''
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello, is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?''
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?''
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me."
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Supposedly true stories about kids:
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now”. Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway”.
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!” she screamed. “Lizzie”, scolded her mother, “that's not polite behavior”. With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you”!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. “Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. “You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer”.
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I'm going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I'm going to Iraq”. “Why?” he asked, “Don't you know there's a war going on over there”?*
Paul Newman founded the “Hole in the Wall Gang Camp” for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle”? Blank stares. “Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton”? An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing”?
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now”. Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway”.
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!” she screamed. “Lizzie”, scolded her mother, “that's not polite behavior”. With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you”!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. “Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. “You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer”.
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I'm going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I'm going to Iraq”. “Why?” he asked, “Don't you know there's a war going on over there”?*
Paul Newman founded the “Hole in the Wall Gang Camp” for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle”? Blank stares. “Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton”? An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing”?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Crazy Case of the Upside Down Cow and Martha's Vineyard
Who knew?
Credit: Where I Got It: http://totallylookslike.com/
It's mime time.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Credit: Only Funny Stories.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Credit: Only Funny Stories.
JEST FOR FUN
As a young woman was nursing her baby, her six-year-old cousin came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, the little girl was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what the woman was doing. After mulling over the woman's answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Rain
This is amazing! Close your eyes and hear the rain storm approach and pass through.
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
JEST FOR FUN
A pediatric nurse had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!” Lizzie screamed.
“Lizzie”, scolded her mother, “that's not polite behavior.”
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you”!
“Lizzie”, scolded her mother, “that's not polite behavior.”
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you”!
Goofy short.
I was never an ENORMOUS fan of old Disney cartoons, but I've always loved Goofy. He's great. (Should never be a teacher, tho.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Monday, July 20, 2009
Joke of the Day
Why was the little ink blot worried about his dad?
Because he was stuck in the pen and did not know how long the sentence was...
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Because he was stuck in the pen and did not know how long the sentence was...
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
JEST FOR FUN
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Insurance claims.
And horrible ones, to boot. Yes, these claims are all quite real, or at least they are according to this site. Enjoy.
--
* The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
* The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
* The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
* When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
* I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
* The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
* I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
* I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
* The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
* The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)
* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
* As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
* I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
* The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
* I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
* The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
* Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
* No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
* I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
* The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
* I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
* I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
* The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
* I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
Credit: SwapMeetDave.
--
* The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
* The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
* The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
* When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
* I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
* The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
* I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
* I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
* The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
* The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)
* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
* As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
* I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
* The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
* I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
* The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
* Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
* No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
* I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
* The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
* I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
* I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
* The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
* I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
Credit: SwapMeetDave.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
New Words
Credit: Unknown.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is ending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidental ly walked through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is ending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidental ly walked through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Friday, July 17, 2009
A Frickin' Elephant
My five-year old students, are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture
in a zoo book and said,
'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked...
'What did you call it?'
'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on
the picture!'
And so it does...
' A f r i c a n Elephant '
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
BECAREFUL WHO YOU FLIRT WITH
Credit: Unknown.
A couple were invited to a swanky family, masked, fancy, dress-up,
Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested.
But she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him and seeing how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, the husband left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad.... apparently he had the time of his life."
A couple were invited to a swanky family, masked, fancy, dress-up,
Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested.
But she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him and seeing how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, the husband left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad.... apparently he had the time of his life."
Professor Irwin Corey on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour
Here's a blast from the past. Professor Irwin Corey is still alive, at a spry 95 years young, and he was still doing comedy shows as of last year.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD9hogmgrAU
You so dumb, Homer.
A compilation of Homer Simpson's worst accidents over the loooooooong course of the series. I love the song accompanying it, to boot. (Given how much abuse this guy's noggin takes, though, I'm no longer surprised that he's a raving idiot these days.)
JEST FOR FUN
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, “How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?”
One student said, “Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time.”
Sternly, the teacher said, “You didn’t read the assignment!”
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher’s desk and showed her where it read, “Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage.”
One student said, “Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time.”
Sternly, the teacher said, “You didn’t read the assignment!”
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher’s desk and showed her where it read, “Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage.”
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Gotta Love Little Boys
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those'.
Credit: Unknown.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those'.
Credit: Unknown.
Shakespeare on Security: Merger Into Rivalry
Meet the Bardster, an old fashioned Elizabethan working as a modern day IT Security technician.
AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED - PART THREE
Credit: Unknown.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please," I said.
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
I said, "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please," I said.
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
I said, "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
JEST FOR FUN
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. “That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”
“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”
“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED - PART TWO
Credit: Unknown.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Rick Miller Presents . . . Bohemian Rhapsody in the 25 Most Annoying Voices
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPpIFzjv6rE&feature=player_embedded
JEST FOR FUN
I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. “It was good,” she said, “but I don’t need it.”
“But it’s a 70-minute video,” I replied. “You couldn’t have watched the whole thing.”
“Yes, I did,” Susan assured me. “I put it on fast-forward.”
“But it’s a 70-minute video,” I replied. “You couldn’t have watched the whole thing.”
“Yes, I did,” Susan assured me. “I put it on fast-forward.”
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Makes You Wonder...
Let's hope Homer HendelBergenHeinzel had a miraculous recovery.
Credit: www.weirdpicturearchive.com
Credit: www.weirdpicturearchive.com
AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED - PART ONE
Credit: Unknown.
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife walked into the den and asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started.....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife walked into the den and asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started.....
Just when you thought it was safe to come out...
Dad's home. (You'll need Flash to watch this.)
And beware, Dad isn't normal at work either. If anything he's even worse.
Credit: Newgrounds.
And beware, Dad isn't normal at work either. If anything he's even worse.
Credit: Newgrounds.
JEST FOR FUN
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, “Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will happen to my mortgage?!”
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close “for good” that coming Friday.
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close “for good” that coming Friday.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Women's Studies
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is pre-menstrual or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire. No further studies are expected
Credit: Unknown.
United Breaks Guitars
For the unlucky at baggage handling of airlines . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo
CAKE OR BED
Credit: Unknown.
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS......HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. THEN HE ENTERS THE HOUSE AND SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS......HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. THEN HE ENTERS THE HOUSE AND SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"
JEST FOR FUN
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. “You must mean the lift,” he said.
“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”
“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts.”
“Now, you listen,” the American said rather irritated, “someone in America
invented the elevator.”
“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”
“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”
“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts.”
“Now, you listen,” the American said rather irritated, “someone in America
invented the elevator.”
“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Airport problems.
I've seen this guy do this skit in Montreal before, so I know it's not real. (Or he's just really unlucky.) Doesn't make it any less funny, though.
Credit: Unknown. (I'm honestly not sure what his name is. If you know, fill us in.)
Credit: Unknown. (I'm honestly not sure what his name is. If you know, fill us in.)
Thought for the Day
Inner Strength:
- If you can start the day without caffeine
- If you can get going without pep pills
- If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains
- If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
- If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it
- If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time
- If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours something goes wrong
- If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
- If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him
- If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend
- If you can face the world without lies and deceit
- If you can conquer tension without medical help
- If you can relax without liquor
- If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
- .....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Credit: www.guy-sports.com
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida
The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.
See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.
Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.
Not for the squeamish
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)
Friday, July 10, 2009
TGIF
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'
Credit: Unknown.
The duck song.
This is kinda kid humor, but it is funny how much of a jerk this duck is. Nice song, too.
Credit: Bryant Oden.
Credit: Bryant Oden.
JEST FOR FUN
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Hip Hopera
When bad things happen to good hopera . . . Is this a wrong or a fail? You be the judge.
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bo9bK8JUego&feature=player_embedded
CLASS IN SESSION
Credit: Unknown.
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day when you get married you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day when you get married you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."
JEST FOR FUN
Some golf clubs were having a drink in the bar after a game. The
bartender served all of them but one and asked him, “What’ll you
have?” The golf club said, “Nothing for me, thanks. I’m the driver.”
bartender served all of them but one and asked him, “What’ll you
have?” The golf club said, “Nothing for me, thanks. I’m the driver.”
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Milton Berle takes on the Muppets.
Normally he might be able to compete. Against Statler and Waldorf, though? I don't think sooooo.
Credit: The Muppet Show.
Credit: The Muppet Show.
Candle Cannon
A perfect example of people with too much time on their hands . . .
Credit: Where I Got It: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayaiArVkpA4
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