Murphy's Laws on Work

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong
• until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ....)
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

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Murphy's Laws on Cars

1. If you try to leave the proper driving distance between you and the car in front of you, someone will always move in.
2. The guy that has a bumper sticker that says "If you can read this, You're too close" always tailgates.
3. Trucks that overturn on the highway are alway filled with something sticky.
4. There's always room to merge behind a diesel bus.
5. As soon as you change lanes to a faster lane, it becomes the slowest lane.
6. If you try to change lanes to get off the ramp, the guy in the lane to your right will always speed up.
7. Wherever you park your car in the summer, the sun is always shining on the driver's seat.
8. It takes longer to get there than it does to get back.
9. If all the cars are coming your way -- you're probably going the wrong way on a one-way street.
10. If you park several blocks away from your destination, there will always be a parking space right in front of it.
11. The first bug to land on your clean windshield will always splatter right in front of your eyes.
12. When you need to change a flat tire, you discover that the spare tire is flat too.
13. The air conditioning breaks down on the hottest day of the year.
14. A ding in the door is more aggravating than a dent.
15. A traffic light will always turn yellow as you approach it.
16. Your car never malfunctions or makes the same noise in front of your mechanic.
17. Your car runs worse after being serviced.
18. The engine falls out of the car the day after the warranty expires.
19. Your car horn will always get stuck when you're behind a group of "Hell's Angels".

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Murphy's Laws of Food

1. Everything you like is bad for you.
2. If it isn't bad for you, it's too expensive.
3. If you can afford it, it's out of season.
4. You will realize it's back in season the day that the grocery store runs out.
5. Every recipe ever written includes one ingredient that you do not have in your kitchen. If you attempt to go buy this ingredient, you will realize you are missing another one.
6. Substitutions never taste right.
7. Ovens either overcook or undercook. They never get it just right.
8. Microwave ovens always overcook and undercook at the same time.
9. The grocery store always gets a fresh shipment immediately after you buy your food for the week.
10. You will always forget the most important item if you don't make a list.
11. If you do make a list, the store will be out of your most important item.
12. Every item in the store will be on sale, except the ones that you want.
13. Coupons always expire before you have a chance to use them.
14. The only person who ever gets to use coupons is the person in front of you in line.
15. The number of coupons of the person in front of you is directly proportional to how much of a hurry you're in.
16. No matter which checkout line you get in, it will always be the slowest one.
17. The "Fast lane" isn't.
18. Stores open 24-hours cannot close for their daily inventory update. Therefore, they just turn off the registers for ten minutes while they "download" the data. Invariably, they will plan this event to coincide with your arrival in the checkout line.

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Murphy's Laws of Love

1. All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (Corrollary to 1)
3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7. The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9. Nice guys (girls) finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

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Murphy's Laws of Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feeling.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired- or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. "This won't hurt, I promise."

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Murphy's Laws of Dating

1. Every girl already has a boyfriend.
2. If you think things are going well in a relationship, you have overlooked something.
3. Given enough time, any relationship will end unhappily.
4. Everywhere in the world, women outnumber men. The only exceptions to this are the place you live and any place you may move to.
5. Women will talk to you if and only if they are unavailable.
6. No woman will treat you as badly as the woman you marry.

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Understanding Murphy's Law

Murphy's Original Law

If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.

Murphy's Law

If anything can go wrong -- it will.

Murphy's First Corollary

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Second Corollary

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law

Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Constant

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

The Murphy Philosophy

Smile... tomorrow will be worse.

Conclusions

1. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
   Corollary - If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
2. If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong.
3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
4. If anything can't go wrong, it will anyway.
5. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
6. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
7. Everything takes longer than you think.
8. You never find a lost article until you replace it.
9. If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
10. You get the most of what you need the least.
11. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
12. Mother nature is a bitch.

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