JEST FOR FUN

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma,
received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government
for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business myself next year. What I want to know is, in your
opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on,
and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs,
but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as
easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I
can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs,
which will give me $80,000 income the first year.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not
feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good
time of the year to not raise hogs and grain. I am also
considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send
me any information on that also.

In view of these circumstances, I understand that the
government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to
file for unemployment and food stamps as well. Be assured
that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,

Duster Benton