JEST FOR FUN

A church group held a luncheon. Afterward the participants took home any desserts that were not used. One of the women looked at her chocolate cake and said, "I can't imagine what happened to this - the fudge icing was hard this morning, the cake moist, and look how disgusting it looks
now. No wonder no one ate it." Another woman looked over and said, "That's my cake in your hand."

JEST FOR FUN

One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?"

His son pondered for a minute and replied, "Spinach?"

JEST FOR FUN

om, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was aboutto get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Tom
a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.

"You got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.

"No!" replied Tom.

So a second shot was brought, then a third. "Now have you got your courage?" asked the dentist.

"You're darn right!" Tom said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see who'd dare to touch my teeth now!"

JEST FOR FUN

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Mrs. Jones that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the
Governor gently.

"For stealing a bread truck," replied the offender's wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

JEST FOR FUN

While Christmas shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself.

"Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," Wally replied.

"Then why are you standing in this long line?"

"Well, I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue!"

JEST FOR FUN

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good." As he finished the cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"

Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, so I got the dog to help."

JEST FOR FUN

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and going grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend
whom I had been promising to take to lunch, asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Geesh! Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

What? Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the turkey."

JEST FOR FUN

It was Christmas Eve at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, madam," he replied, "they're all dead."

JEST FOR FUN

I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and is at about 15 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in …

JEST FOR FUN

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years." He said, "That's a mirror, you idiot."

JEST FOR FUN

People in my office were forgetting about food they'd left in the employees' refrigerator. New policy asked that a name and date be marked on each container. As a reminder, a signwas posted: "Please date your food." Below, someone hadscribbled: "What? And give up men?"

JEST FOR FUN

Two signs found on top of one another in a country restaurantseveral years ago:
Restrooms to the left.
Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

JEST FOR FUN

This morning I woke up late and now I'm scrambling to make breakfast!

JEST FOR FUN

The day before his wedding, a woman stopped in to visit her uncle, for whom this would be his second marriage, She knew he really wanted to make it work. "Are you nervous about the wedding?" she asked him.

"No way," he replied nonchalantly. "Cup of cake. Cup of cake."

JEST FOR FUN

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

JEST FOR FUN

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

JEST FOR FUN

Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her "the talk." "Sometimes, it's easy to get carried away when you're with a boy," I said. "Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life." "Don't worry," she said. "I don't plan on ruining my life until I get married."

JEST FOR FUN

As a highly skilled computer technician, Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between the microchips in the various computers in a local network. His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes. The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues. Finally, Joe decided to ignore his boss' instructions. He simply discarded the notes and successfully completed the task on his own. Upon his return, Joe's boss asked him to describe the strategy that resulted in his success. "That's easy," replied Joe. "Lose slips, sync chips!"

j

"No woman can keep a secret." "I don't know about that. I've kept my age a secret since I was 21." "You'll let it out some day." "I hardly think so. When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

JEST FOR FUN

I am retired. I WAKE UP WITH NOTHING TO DO, AND BY THE TIME I GO TO BED, I ONLY HAVE HALF OF IT DONE! How did I ever find time to go to work?

JEST FOR FUN

Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position

JEST FOR FUN

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

JEST FOR FUN

Killing time can damage eternity.

JEST FOR FUN

My friend Arthur loved fast food and especially fried chicken and French fries. He became worried about his weight and eventually consulted his doctor.

"What is the least you have ever weighed?" asked the doctor.

Arthur replied "Seven pounds, six ounces."

JEST FOR FUN

As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt blue.

JEST FOR FUN

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

JEST FOR FUN

The American arms inspector goes to a Baghdad restaurant for a quick bite and orders a meat pie. A few bites, he realizes there's only a tiny slab of meat at the middle of the pie, the rest being vegetables. "Waiter, how can you call this a meat pie?" "Aah, but you see sir, these days of sanctions, it is difficult to make ends meat.

JEST FOR FUN

Seeing her 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, a mother commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?" "I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her." The mom came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" she said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?

JEST FOR FUN

Many people prefer to buy their Thanksgiving turkeys in Los Angeles because they all have had breast enlargements.

JEST FOR FUN

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell. "Oh," said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."

JEST FOR FUN

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

JEST FOR FUN

He put Betadyne on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.

JEST FOR FUN

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Newark, New Jersey. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the violence even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and great benefits. His co-worker told him to reconsider. He said, "Why I myself worked in Newark for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem while I was working. The stories about violence are greatly exaggerated" The first asked, "What did you do over there?" "I was tail-gunner on a mail delivery truck."

JEST FOR FUN

Henry, a professional photographer, was invited to dinner at the Smiths' and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. Sally Smith looked at his photos and commented, "These are very good. You must have a good camera."

Henry didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal Sally! You must have some very good pots."

JEST FOR FUN

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

JEST FOR FUN

The box said 'Requires Windows 7 or better'. So I installed LINUX.

JEST FOR FUN

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish; what will it be, sire?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

JEST FOR FUN

Some people just don't have a green thumb. When my son Bill learned his friend was going to The Home Depot, he asked, "Would you pick up some tulip bulbs? I need to get some for my mom." "Sure," his pal responded. "How many watts?"

JEST FOR FUN

I came upon a man slicing goose feathers and stuffing them into a pillow. "Would you like a cigarette?" I asked. "No thanks, I'm trying to cut down."

JEST FOR FUN

A pastor went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see, when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."

JEST FOR FUN

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

JEST FOR FUN

My sister, suspecting that she had lost an inch or so in height as she passed middle age, asked her husband to measure her. Finding that my sister was indeed shorter than in her youth, her husband remarked, "Of course you are. That's because you married and settled down."

JEST FOR FUN

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

JEST FOR FUN

In hindsight, holding a ticker-tape parade to honor our city's street cleaning crew was probably a bad idea.

JEST FOR FUN

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. 85% of women think their ass is too big. 10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

JEST FOR FUN

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

JEST FOR FUN

A man goes to see his rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it.' The rabbi asks, 'What's wrong?' The man replies, 'My wife is trying to poison me.' The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's putting poison in my food; what should I do?' The rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know.' So the rabbi calls the wife and asks her what is going on in her marriage. There follows a vituperative harangue that involves a lot of screaming, cursing, invective, vitriol, and huge doses of bitterness. The rabbi tries to intercede with the wife, but at no point in the three-hour tirade is the clergyman able to get a word in edgewise. The rabbi then calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone as I said I would. You want my advice?' 'Yes,' says the man, and the rabbi replies, 'Take the poison!'

JEST FOR FUN

When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special or regular gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "It cost the same as always. I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

JEST FOR FUN

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved and he signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did all of it through the muffler."

JEST FOR FUN

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes.

JEST FOR FUN

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.

JEST FOR FUN

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of wind chilled vipers?

JEST FOR FUN

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

JEST FOR FUN

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

JEST FOR FUN

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

JEST FOR FUN

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

JEST FOR FUN

A woman was sprawled on the living-room couch watching her favorite show on a television food channel when her husband walked in. "Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, she asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

JEST FOR FUN

He said: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said:"That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."

JEST FOR FUN

Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings,said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

JEST FOR FUN

The family dinner that night included salad, served on everyone's plate before they sat down. Coming to the table, Dad caught his four-year-old daughter, Amy, poking his salad and told
her to stop.

Amy was very quiet all through dinner. Finally, when the meal was over, Dad asked her, "Amy, why were you playing with my food?

"I was trying to get the moth out," she replied.

JEST FOR FUN

A man took his eight-year-old son to the pizzeria to pick up their order. Corey, the eight-year-old, wanted to get the pizza himself, so his dad handed him a $20 bill and a $2 coupon and waited in the car. A few minutes later Corey appeared with the pizza, change and the coupon. "Wouldn't they take the coupon?" his dad asked.

"Oh, sure, but we didn't need it," said Corey. "We had enough money."

JEST FOR FUN

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?" Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Max, "What in the world for?" "Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.

JEST FOR FUN

As Super Bowl week neared, the supervisor for the contractor I work for posted an intimidating memo reminding the day shift that betting on the game was verboten. "9 to 5 employees caught participating in Super Bowl pools will be severely reprimanded." An inveterate gambler from the night shift added his own postscript: "7 to 1 says they won't."

JEST FOR FUN

Two friends were driving along the highway, looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first one said, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other said, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to avoid hitting them. The one friend says to the other, "See? If we were having our picnic under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

JEST FOR FUN

Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a
meal for the four. Mister explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is there first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she has to do
is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

JEST FOR FUN

At breakfast one day, a woman eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper, her husband replied, "Oh, probably about 5 to 10 years."

JEST FOR FUN

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

JEST FOR FUN

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset." She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

JEST FOR FUN

The state of Louisiana wanted to commemorate their historic Civil War General, James Howe. So they named a bayou after him. It's called Howe's Bayou.

JEST FOR FUN

A suitor, dejected over being rejected thought about hanging himself in front of her house, then remembered she didn't want him hanging around.



JEST FOR FUN

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies,"If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.

"Nope. Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One hour later, they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says, "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

JEST FOR FUN

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!

JEST FOR FUN

Sign at a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

JEST FOR FUN

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on the counter. Determined to finally rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. Returning later, the cook began frantically looking around the galley, then shouted out, "Where did my cornbread go?"

JEST FOR FUN

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped
at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

JEST FOR FUN

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p. m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p. m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."


JEST FOR FUN

According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, Leave him alone, he's working out!

JEST FOR FUN

Not all men are homeless, but some men are home less than others.

JEST FOR FUN

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!" "I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."

j

An inebriated gent is stopped by the police around 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body."

The cop asks, "Really? Who is giving this lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

JEST FOR FUN

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't knowwhy he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start. Can't figure it out.

JEST FOR FUN

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness." I said, "Come in and sit down. Now, what do you want to talk about"? He said, "Damned if I know. I never got this far before."

JEST FOR FUN

If God had meant for man to see the sunrise he would have scheduled it later in the day.

JEST FOR FUN

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

JEST FOR FUN

I've finally decided to do something about my weight... lie.

JEST FOR FUN

The unfortunate voyeur was apprehended at the peek of his career.

JEST FOR FUN

I had worked late and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks. I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?" "The dog did it," I wearily replied. A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ah, you must own a boxer."

JEST FOR FUN

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

JEST FOR FUN

A teetotaller is one who suffers from thirst instead of enjoying it.
- Thomas Robert Dewar, 1864 - 1930

JEST FOR FUN

Question on second-grade math quiz:

Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice.
Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice.
Emily drank more. Explain.

One child's answer impressed his teacher. As she later said, "It could be considered correct, I suppose."

His answer? "She was more thirsty."

JEST FOR FUN

Every time I say the dirty word "exercise," I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

JEST FOR FUN

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems. But then, neither does milk.

JEST FOR FUN

A U.S. Coast Guard pilot was on an exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

As a friendly competition, the pilots' squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards. The winner? The fellow
who breezed past waving a piece of toast.

JEST FOR FUN

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol to commemorate Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the "Legislator". It doesn't work and you can't fire it.


JEST FOR FUN

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased
with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

JEST FOR FUN

A computer buff rigged the lawn mowers at his home and place of business so he could operate them by remote control. Halfway through his next vacation, his wife asked, "Did you remember to mow the lawns this week?" "Yes, dear," he replied, "I modem yesterday."

JEST FOR FUN

"I'll see you," she said as she laid down a royal flush in a game of strip poker.

JEST FOR FUN

Research has shown that men usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in their sleep they have to be right.

JEST FOR FUN

The self help group for compulsive talkers is called On & On Anon.

JEST FOR FUN

I don't like hanging out at the pancake house, that place gives me the crepes!


JEST FOR FUN

A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask about whether or not she should hire a new waitress. "She can speak twelve different languages, which will be good for foreign visitors," said the manager.

"All right, so hire her," the owner replied.

"But, sir..."

"I knew there would be a 'but.' What's wrong with her?"

"Sir, English is NOT one of the twelve languages."

JEST FOR FUN

Men hope their lean years are behind them. Women hope they're ahead.

JEST FOR FUN

An attorney specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.


JEST FOR FUN

A customer walked into my pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. "You know, that brand is very addicting," I warned her. "If it's used for a prolonged period of time, your congestion can come back worse than before, prompting even further use."
"That's ridiculous," scoffed the woman. "I've been using it every day for years."

JEST FOR FUN

No sooner had I plopped myself in the chair for my checkup when the dentist smirked, "Ready for your cavity search?"

JEST FOR FUN

Hear about the man who went on diet and had his now oversized pants fall down as he entered a church? The priest called out, " Repant! Repant and thin no more!"

JEST FOR FUN

It just hit me: My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For all this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up for him. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me: My dog is a politician!

JEST FOR FUN

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


JEST FOR FUN

A woman realized she and her sister-in-law had each been married nearly 50 years. "That's a long time," she observed. "A long, long time," the sister-in-law agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me." "What's that?" "If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of jail by now."

JEST FOR FUN

Procrastination is my sin

It leads me in much sorrow.

But I intend to mend my ways.

In fact, I'll start tomorrow.

JEST FOR FUN

Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

JEST FOR FUN

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

JEST FOR FUN

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

JEST FOR FUN

Linda and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."

Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"

Jill says, "Take the spoon out of your cup."

JEST FOR FUN

Ducking into confession with a turkey under his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

JEST FOR FUN

A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:

I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks.

Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before - - -

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

JEST FOR FUN

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason, the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the five kids for fifteen years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in fifteen years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

JEST FOR FUN

When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

JEST FOR FUN

A client recently brought her two cats to the veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, the other a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each cat on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her. "That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black DOES make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look FATTER!"

JEST FOR FUN

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." "Did you get a pop-up menu?" "No." "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" "No." "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

JEST FOR FUN

He: "My darling wife, I love you terribly." She: "I know. But we've got a lifetime to work on it."

JEST FOR FUN

The tavern was busiest during the heat wave because it offered cold drafts.

JEST FOR FUN

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

JEST FOR FUN

Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied. When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen." Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."

JEST FOR FUN

After Old Man McGraw chewed us out, we went over to his house and we drew all kinds of pictures on his driveway, sidewalk, and foundation with sidewalk chalk. That'll teach him to mess with the Mural Majority!

JEST FOR FUN

I was unhappy with my job, so I submitted my resignation. I was sure I'd have no trouble finding a new position, because there was a shortage of people with my skill. I emailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers, attaching a copy of my resume to each one. Weeks later, I was dismayed and bewildered that I hadn't received even one request for an interview. Finally I received a response that explained it all: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

JEST FOR FUN

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish...'"

JEST FOR FUN

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.

JEST FOR FUN

Good things come in small packages because big things can't, unless they're inflatable or require some assembly.

JEST FOR FUN

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

JEST FOR FUN

A young fashion designer was attending her first runway presentation in which her dresses were featured. The reviews from the industry were fantastic. Overnight, her line became a best seller. Stores couldn't keep the items on the shelves. Celebrities started wearing them. She became so successful that a competitor was inspired to produce cheap copies of her designs to make a quick buck. Furious about this, the designer called her lawyer and explained what was happening. The lawyer was equally furious, but he knew he could handle the situation. "Don't worry," he assured the designer. "I'll take care of him." "What will you do?" she asked him. Replied the lawyer, "I'll block his knock-off!"

JEST FOR FUN

While waiting in line at the bank, a man developed a very loud case of the hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups had gotten worse. The teller took the man's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal. "I'm sorry but I can't cash this check," she said. "Why not?" the man asked, incredulously. The teller replied, "Apparently, our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5,000." "It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!" "Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But please notice that your hiccups are gone!"

JEST FOR FUN

Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked, "Who was the first man?" "If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the embarrassed coed, "I'd rather not tell."

JEST FOR FUN

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

JEST FOR FUN

Do not undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.

JEST FOR FUN

I was preparing to teach a college course on the history of movie censorship and went to the library to take out films that had been censored. "Do you have any banned movies in your collection?" I asked the librarian. "Oh yes," she answered. "We have some really good ones. What would you like: Tommy Dorsey? Glenn Miller?"

JEST FOR FUN

Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it because it had disappeared into thin heir


JEST FOR FUN

A patient at a dental office came by to pay her bill. She began rummaging in her purse.
"Do you need a pen?" asked the receptionist, offering the use of of hers.
"Why, yes, thank you," said the woman, looking a bit surprised.
She then took the pen, put it in her purse, and proceeded to pay in cash.

JEST FOR FUN

In a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss, two rookie policemen, were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. Soon, they got a call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an "armed robbery" and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break. They got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Realizing it was not a joke, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

JEST FOR FUN

You know it's going to be a bad day when; You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

JEST FOR FUN

A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should do?" The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you." He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her, he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Still no answer. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?" "For the fourth time, I said chicken, You'd better get your hearing checked."
Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

Pity the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with! He went out and bought a "Duet yourself kit."

JEST FOR FUN

When William Jennings Bryan was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord." Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: "So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." (1 Corinthians 7:38) Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage."

JEST FOR FUN

The difference between baseball and politics is if you're caught stealing in baseball, you're out.

JEST FOR FUN

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading 'A Tale Of Two Cities'." and she gave birth to twins." "That's funny", the second man remarked, "My wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading 'Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves'!"

JEST FOR FUN

An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque

JEST FOR FUN

The orchestra was preparing to perform their annual benefit but the orchestra leader was nowhere to be found. They delayed as long as possible and finally decided to ask for a volunteer from the audience. First they gave the baton to a fireman. Alas, he had no rhythm and the orchestra fell into disarray. Then a doctor offered to give it a try, but he didn't have a feel for the dynamics and the music sounded too mechanical. Finally, a police officer saved the day. He took the baton and led the orchestra in, according to many in attendance, the best performance they could remember for years back. Of course, it should have been obvious: Copper is the best conductor.

JEST FOR FUN

Police arrested a transvestite and charged him with male fraud.

JEST FOR FUN

Toilet training a young child is always a matter of pot luck.

JEST FOR FUN

Christopher Columbus is the politician's ideal because he didn't know where he was going, when he got there he didn't know where he was, when he got back he didn't know where he had been. and he managed to do it with all government money.

JEST FOR FUN

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

JEST FOR FUN

This town is so small the city jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

JEST FOR FUN

I have a friend who is both a mediocre actor and terribly uncoordinated. He recently fell of the stage during rehearsal and broke his leg. This is the first time he will be in the same cast for more than two weeks.

JEST FOR FUN

Realizing that she'd put on a pound or two, a woman lamented to her husband, "I'm fat." And, right on cue he said what all good husbands must, "You're not fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat." But their daughter, a high schooler, saw through it and said, "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"

JEST FOR FUN

As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, when he came back in, I braced myself for his diagnosis. To my surprise, he came back in smiling.
"Is it anti-freeze? Steering fluid? Oil? What? And just what is so funny?" I asked, a little concerned and a little annoyed.
He cheerfully replied, "It's apple juice."

JEST FOR FUN

An old man was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell, he shuffled to the door; and when he opened it, he saw a beautiful young woman standing there. "Oh, dear!" she said. "I'm at the wrong house." "Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her, "but you're forty years too late!"

JEST FOR FUN

The dog says to the human, "You feed me, you take care of me, you love me, therefore you must be GOD!"

The cat says to the human, "You feed me, you take care of me, you love me, therefore I must be GOD!"

JEST FOR FUN

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

JEST FOR FUN

A geologist is a fault finder.

JEST FOR FUN

One day while out on our fishing boat, we heard a woman calling for help. Pointing frantically toward a sinking row boat, she shouted to us, "My husband can't swim!"
Although the water was up to his chest, the man remained a fisherman through and through. As we reached down to pull him aboard our boat, he lifted a large, still-struggling salmon in his hand, and yelled, "Take the fish!"

JEST FOR FUN

Studying fungi is a way to mold young minds.

JEST FOR FUN

Automation is a technological process that does all the work while you just sit there. When you were younger this was called "Mother."

JEST FOR FUN

When the nearby property became a landfill, the neighbors ended up down in the dumps.

JEST FOR FUN

Anxious about some medical tests I was to have the next morning, I repeatedly told my fears to my sister-in-law, Gladys. "Don't worry," Gladys finally said. "They'll give you a sedative through an IV in your arm." "That's what they do to dogs when they want to kill them!" I exclaimed. "Then don't bark!" Gladys snapped.

JEST FOR FUN

A man goes into tesco's and picks up a bottle of fruit juice and a packet of sugar. he then puts the sugar into his pocket pays for the fruit juice and then leaves the store. security stop him and say excuse me sir we saw you pay for the fruit juice but we also noticed you stole a packet of sugar. the Irish man says no you don't understand I didn't steal the sugar look at this. and he pulls out the bottle of fruit juice and says look here it says sugar free.

JEST FOR FUN

One of the company's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

JEST FOR FUN

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the woman and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the woman, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

JEST FOR FUN

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me. "Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?" My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

JEST FOR FUN

"How long will it take you to finish this "Guide to the World's Beers' of yours?"

"That depends on how many drafts I have to go through."

JEST FOR FUN

Life is like a box of chocolates. You pretty much know what you're gonna get since everybody's taken the good ones and stuck their fingers in all the rest.

JEST FOR FUN

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

JEST FOR FUN

Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he invented Krispy Kreme douighnuts.

JEST FOR FUN

A guy was driving through the South and, being hungry, he stopped at a roadside diner. Entering, he saw a sign advertising the special: "Fresh Venison." The guy orders the special. After completing the meal, he sees the cook standing behind the counter and says, "My compliments to the chef. That was probably the most tender venison I have ever eaten!"
The cook looks at the man with a smile and replies, "Yep, an 18-wheeler will do that, won't it?"

JEST FOR FUN

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being God's creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit I noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

JEST FOR FUN

Women are basically greedy: They want all things from one man. Men are so simple: They want only one thing from all women.

JEST FOR FUN

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

JEST FOR FUN

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Jody," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I," Jody said. "I'm a hooker." "I see," he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

JEST FOR FUN

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

JEST FOR FUN

A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?" "No", he said, "Chris and his family live two farms down." "No, no, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years." "I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?" "When is it ?" "It could be today or tomorrow ". "Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days."

JEST FOR FUN

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

JEST FOR FUN

The Dog Star is drawing closer to Earth at the rate of nine miles a second. Someday, we could be in Sirius trouble!

JEST FOR FUN

A man enters a pharmacy and requested a supply of Viagra. The clerk sends him over to speak with the pharmacist. The pharmacist tells the man he would need a doctor's prescription in order for her to dispense the drug. The man leaves but returns with a gun, brandishes it, and again demands Viagra. The pharmacist gives him all the bottles of it that she has. The man flees, and the pharmacist calls the police. One responding officer says to the other, "This makes me wonder, do we look for a hardened criminal?"

JEST FOR FUN

In church this past Sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about. - "The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?" One boy blurted out, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink!"

JEST FOR FUN

One day in school, the teacher wrote on the blackboard, "I ain't had no fun at all last week." She turned to her class and said, "Now, what should I do to correct that?" A shy student stood up and replied meekly, "Maybe you should get a boyfriend."

JEST FOR FUN

More than five million American women are overweight. These, of course, are round figures.

JEST FOR FUN

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

JEST FOR FUN

In all fairness to the Toyota salesman, he didn't lie to me about the brakes. He said, "You'll love this car. There's no stopping it."

JEST FOR FUN

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boarding house, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

JEST FOR FUN

In a grocery store, a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation, the other cashier replied, "One."

JEST FOR FUN

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

JEST FOR FUN

Marv took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than one hundred years old. After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle. "What do you think this hole was for? he asked his kids. His twelve-year-old son Martin replied, "It's a Coke can holder."

JEST FOR FUN

Two friends stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since they weren't used to the big city, they were overly concerned about security. The first night they placed a chair against the door and stacked their luggage on it. To complete the barricade, they put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, they'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a. m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" one friend asked nervously. "Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

JEST FOR FUN

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

JEST FOR FUN

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon. Follow
these simple instructions:

Open a bag of microwave popcorn. Leave it on your kitchen counter. If it starts popping, you're in deep doo doo!

JEST FOR FUN

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied, "You."

JEST FOR FUN

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

JEST FOR FUN

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of manure. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Cow manure," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

JEST FOR FUN

A couple took their children to a restaurant named the Captain's Table. The youngest went to the bathroom but soon returned, confused and embarrassed. "Couldn't you find the way?" Mom asked him.

"Oh," I found it, he replied, legs crossed. "But I don't know if I'm a buccaneer or a wench!"

JEST FOR FUN

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

JEST FOR FUN

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me!

JEST FOR FUN

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

JEST FOR FUN

In the showroom of a top-of-the-line dealership, 15 or so tropical trees stood sentinel among the highly polished luxury cars. As I was chatting with the treasurer, two large citrus trees bearing a splendid crop of fruit caught my eye. I laughed, and the treasurer followed my gaze to the sign tied to the trees: "DON'T PICK THE LEMONS!" Not long after, the sign and the fruit were removed.


JEST FOR FUN

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

JEST FOR FUN

While out walking on the African veld one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him.
"Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life."
"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!"

JEST FOR FUN

If you're worried about cell phone microwaves, just stick a piece of popcorn in your ear. When it pops, it's time to hang up.

JEST FOR FUN

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

JEST FOR FUN

When creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. And then He made the Earth round.


JEST FOR FUN

Let me get this straight. Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage. Jesse James, and Tiger Woods while married were having sex with everyone. Yet, the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage?

JEST FOR FUN

Scientists held a vote to decide upon a theory to replace continental drift. Plate Tectonics won by a landslide.

JEST FOR FUN

What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

JEST FOR FUN

Not all men are homeless, but some are home less than others.

JEST FOR FUN

Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Ants on a Log," which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.
The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.
Diana's mother, Beth, dropped her off and went home to get the stuff they'd forgotten. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I found that stuff on the counter and had it for breakfast." Beth rushed to gather up more ingredients and hurry them to school, with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of
what had happened.
"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first for that story: 'My dad ate my homework.'"

JEST FOR FUN

She told me the drink was non-alcoholic, but where was the proof?

JEST FOR FUN

How did the Irish Jig get started? Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

JEST FOR FUN

A lost weekend is an alcoholiday.

JEST FOR FUN

I hadn't recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one. "This is Marcia's mother," my machine announced. "Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I'd be happy to talk to you. My number is..." Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.

JEST FOR FUN

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center. But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

JEST FOR FUN

Paul walked into Skeeter's Pub about 7PM, just a few minutes past the time he showed up three or four times a week. "What'll it be tonight, Paul?" "Bottle of Sam Adams, please, Skeeter." "I had Adams on tap last night and you ordered a bottle of Guinness. Last week I had Guinness on tap and you ordered a bottle of Foster's. Last month I had Foster's on tap -- you wanted Beck's. Too bad at your young age you'll never be able to run for public office." Paul shrugged. "How so?" "Because you've spent the last year and a half avoiding the draft."

JEST FOR FUN

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

JEST FOR FUN

A doctor was the first at his hospital to perform a new procedure that removes blockage in the Fallopian tubes without surgery. He successfully did this on several occasions, allowing previously infertile women to conceive. His wife says she is the only wife in in town who is thrilled when her husband comes home and brags, "Guess what, honey! I got a woman pregnant today."

JEST FOR FUN

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete?" one asked. "He got this hare-brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work."

JEST FOR FUN

If I ever decide to sell shoes on eBay, my offer will be "Buy The Right Shoe, Get The Left Shoe Free!" People love a bargain.

JEST FOR FUN

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

JEST FOR FUN

Bumper Sticker: All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.