JEST FOR FUN

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

JEST FOR FUN

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Perfect. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

JEST FOR FUN

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson
Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, hey Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

JEST FOR FUN

I went to a costume party where everyone was in costume, except for this one fellow who was dressed handsomely and was carting around a long piece of lumber that looked like a 2 x 4. I stopped trying to guess what his costume was, and instead just asked what he was dressed as. He pointed to himself and the piece of wood and said, "We're a couple of studs."

JEST FOR FUN

Tech support: "Okay, sir, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a P." "On your keyboard, sir." "What do you mean?" " 'P' on your keyboard, sir." "I'm not going to do that!"

JEST FOR FUN

Kara announced to her family, "Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an old-fashioned breakfast with eggs, ham, biscuits and grits."

Five-year-old Jessica groaned, "But, Mommy, you know I don't like eggs." Kara then reminded Jessica of all the food the little girl liked that contained eggs.

The next morning, when Jessica walked into the kitchen, Kara said, "Since you are here first, you can decide for the family. How do you want me to cook the eggs?"

Jessica answered, "In chocolate cake, please."

JEST FOR FUN

The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.

JEST FOR FUN

I once put my name and address in a bottle and threw it into the sea. Ten years later I got a letter from the Australian Government. It was a fine for littering their Melbourne Beach.

JEST FOR FUN

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.

JEST FOR FUN

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

JEST FOR FUN

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

JEST FOR FUN

One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill. "Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"

"Well, I should, but each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."

JEST FOR FUN

Cyndi Lauper was having a cookout with her family and suggested to her daughter that she might like to help cook the hot dogs. Her daughter replied that she'd rather just split open and toast the bread over the fire. "You know, mom," the kid suggested. "Grills just want two half buns."

JEST FOR FUN

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced, "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

JEST FOR FUN

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

JEST FOR FUN

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

JEST FOR FUN

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male. Because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them. And, of course, they're full of hot air.

JEST FOR FUN

A police officer pulls a car over for speeding, and as he's writing the ticket the officer looks at the driver carefully and says, "Sir, I can't help but notice that your eyes are very bloodshot. Have you been drinking?".

The driver stares up at the officer and says, "Officer, I can't help but notice that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

JEST FOR FUN

When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."

So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better.

JEST FOR FUN

James and Florence, a married couple, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members. Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did.

On one post-choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to order a glass of wine. Some time passed with no untoward consequences. Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, "James, I don't have a headache tonight!"

JEST FOR FUN

So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries, "Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My husband is in really bad shape!" The shrink rushes over. The worried wife say, "Thank God you are here, doctor. Just go down the hall. He's in the last room on the right." The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's husband sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a fish line in the toilet. He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very serious. But why didn't you call me sooner?" "Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning fish all week."