JEST FOR FUN

A young couple went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other. "What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."

JEST FOR FUN

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

JEST FOR FUN

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"

JEST FOR FUN

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

JEST FOR FUN

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel now.

JEST FOR FUN

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't you love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

JEST FOR FUN

I got kicked out of the Chinese restaurant when I asked the server if the spring rolls were still fresh in the midst of summer.

JEST FOR FUN

The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill, as well. This could be wearing, but usually, he was able to provide the good example and escape the tattlers.

One night, however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came to a sudden stopping place. His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

"No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

"Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

"No coffee either, thank you."

In the spirit of conspiracy, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug?"

"My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."

JEST FOR FUN

They say a dog is a mans best friend, but not even my enemies let alone any of my friends will look me dead in the eye while taking a crap on my carpet!

JEST FOR FUN

It was very crowded at the grocery store, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

JEST FOR FUN

A new reporter was sent to cover the visit of a minister. Before his speech, the minister said to a reporter, "When you do your write up, please don't mention the anecdotes I use. I want to include them in other speeches I'm giving in town." Thus the reporter wrote, "The good Reverend told several stories that can't be repeated here."

JEST FOR FUN

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" ''Yep!'' "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" ''Not really." ''Is she a good cook?" ''Naw, she can't cook too well." ''Does she have lots of money?" ''Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" " don't know." ''Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" ''Because she can still drive!"

JEST FOR FUN

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hailstones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde. "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor. "Why not?" asked the first blonde. "Because you've got to roll up the windows first!"

JEST FOR FUN

I'd popped into a busy store to buy meat and vegetables when another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, onlyto be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot.
Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that gadget's called 'my husband."

JEST FOR FUN

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"

JEST FOR FUN

I said to the gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

JEST FOR FUN

Dad: What do you boys want for dinner tonight?

Son, 8: Can we have McDonald's tonight?

Dad: Sure if you can spell that, then we'll have it.

Son: (After thinking for a few seconds) Can we get KFC then?

JEST FOR FUN

For his 18th birthday, the cowboy gave his son a saddle and a red horse. He announced, "Son, you're on your roan now."

JEST FOR FUN

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu, ignore it. It's just Spam.

JEST FOR FUN

Patriotic Fourth of July cakes are coated with "Of Thee Icing"

JEST FOR FUN

McDonald's is buying the Civic Arena. They're going to call it the Macarena.

JEST FOR FUN

When a couple moved into their new home, the first one they'd owned rather than rented, two of the husband's friends gave him abottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled,
the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.
Three months later the couple held a Christening party for their third child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, they remembered the housewarming gift. In front of their guests, the wife opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good care of this one, it's yours!"