JEST FOR FUN

I noticed two large women by the bar.They both had stroneg accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" onee of them chirped, "It's Wales, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember.

JEST FOR FUN

Michael took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than 100 years old. After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse, Michael pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle. "What do you think this hole was for?" he asked his kids.

His twelve-year-old son replied, "It's a Coke can holder."

JEST FOR FUN

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument "felt stuffy" and he couldn't blow air through it. It's not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small apple dropped out of the bell.
"Oh," said the musician when I handed him the f ruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, "My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece."

JEST FOR FUN

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist:

While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely,

The Opportunist

JEST FOR FUN

Mrs. Gingrich was asked why her nickname for her husband was 'Tiny'. She said, "It's because he's my Newt."

JEST FOR FUN

A 'zero tolerance' bonehead award, goes to the Struthers Elementary School in Ohio for seeking the suspension of a 6-year-old student on a 'dangerous weapons violation', because he took a plastic butter knife from the school cafeteria and put it in his backpack, so he could take it home and show his mother that he can butter his toast by himself. Now the boy faces a 6-month suspension. In response, the parents have hired a lawyer and say that if the school continues to seek a suspension then they will seek, in return, to have criminal charges brought against the school for supplying weapons to children.

JEST FOR FUN

A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around the grocery store in a buggy. Placing two loaves of bread in the basket she said "And here's something for you, Diploma." Next she added
a dozen eggs to the basket saying, "Here you go, Diploma" and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!"

JEST FOR FUN

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definitione of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentioneal killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passione arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising positione.'" "See, I have a problem with that passione business," responeded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

JEST FOR FUN

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

JEST FOR FUN

A concierge at a posh resort in Colorado was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked her where the lift was. "Go down the hill," she told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

JEST FOR FUN

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah. Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to reSaint Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "Nu? So how is the new husband?"; She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."

JEST FOR FUN

A tangled bell ringer tolled himself off.

JEST FOR FUN

A elderly woman driver made a right-hand turn from the left lane and collided with another car. The other driver angrily asked, "Lady? Why in the hell didn't you signal at least?" She huffily replied, "Sir, if you paid any attention at all, you'd know I ALWAYS turn here."

JEST FOR FUN

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges"?

JEST FOR FUN

A new reporter was sent to cover the visit of a minister. Before his speech, the minister said to a reporter, "When you do your write up, please don't mention the anecdotes I use. I want to include them in other speeches I'm giving in town." Thus the reporter wrote, "The good Reverend told several stories that can't be repeated here."

JEST FOR FUN

I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her. "I've lost my wife," I muttered slightly louder than was necessary." Then I heard a strange man's voice from the next aisle, "Some people have all the luck."

JEST FOR FUN

A blonde called her local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," she said to the guy who answered the phone, "But how do I find the studs? "Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

JEST FOR FUN

Jill was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to tech support. The tech told her to flip it off. Jill said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what do I do?"

JEST FOR FUN

Several months ago, my daughter and I had similar virus symptoms. She decided to consult a doctor so as not to lose any more time from her job. "I'll see the doctor." she said, "and then tell you what's wrong with us." The next day she called to say, "Guess what, Mom. We're pregnant!"


JEST FOR FUN

My doctor said I was paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

JEST FOR FUN

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

JEST FOR FUN

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.