JEST FOR FUN

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's
milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where
many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older
goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She
then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

JEST FOR FUN

Jack walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Jack
started to leave. "Excuse me," said a customer who was puzzled over what Jack had done, "What was that all about?"

"Ah, it was nothin'," said Jack. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

JEST FOR FUN

Two women were talking during lunch break at work one day. "So, read any good books lately?" asked one.

"I have," the other replied, while sipping her coffee. "I'm currently reading a book on physics. It's actually all about anti-gravity."

"Is it good?" the first asked.

"It is!" her friend replied wide-eyed. "I can't put it down!"

JEST FOR FUN

Mrs. Brown was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Brown.

JEST FOR FUN

"In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictiveand it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it." - George Burns, 1896 - 1996

JEST FOR FUN

A woman went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

JEST FOR FUN

A boy is about to go on his first date and is nervous about what

to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies,

"My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are

food, family and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice

cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a

long time. As the boy's nervousness builds, he remembers his

father's advice and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes"?

She says, "No" and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his

father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother"?

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's

advice and asks, "If you did have a brother, do you think he

would like potato pancakes?"

JEST FOR FUN

A dentist tried out a new chocolate-flavored pumice paste on his patients. No one liked it except for a six-year-old boy. While the dentist polished his teeth, he continued to smile and lick his lips. "You must really like this new flavor," the dentist said.

"Yep," he replied, nodding with satisfaction. "It tastes just like the time I dropped my candy bar in the sandbox."

JEST FOR FUN

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have
been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken
is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he
said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said
they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken,
pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's
office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then
he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite
live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why,
so I told her it was because you could make them into fried
chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and
told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught
me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person
we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I
am now...

JEST FOR FUN

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer. The wheel was also a fine invention, but it doesn't go nearly as well with pizza.

JEST FOR FUN

It's a little-known fact that Julius Caesar did not die from stab wounds by Brutus, but rather he was poisoned. At the huge banquet on that fateful ides of March, Brutus slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's first Caesar's salad.) When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius gasped in reply, "Ate two, Brutus."

JEST FOR FUN

What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?

JEST FOR FUN

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

JEST FOR FUN

Some people just don't have a green thumb. When my son Bill learned his friend was going to The Home Depot, he asked, "Would you pick up some tulip bulbs? I need to get some for my mom." "Sure," his pal responded. "How many watts?"

JEST FOR FUN

A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking, "What would you like to drink?"

"You'll have to speak up," replies the man. "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing."

JEST FOR FUN

Notes left in milk bottles - remember the good old days?

Dear milkman...

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds
keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but
two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby
and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a
dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window
and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn
the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened
over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before
you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two
months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one
pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays
when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money
out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence,
because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow,
for I wrote this note yesterday.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is
dead until further notice.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let
dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't
leave any milk.

JEST FOR FUN

I just went outside to check my plum trees, in the back yard. Looks like what fruit there is on them is beginning to dry up. I think it's time to prune.

JEST FOR FUN

I'm planning on serving the left-over corned beef for supper tonight. My wife would rather have potatoes and onions. I guess we'll just have to hash things out.

JEST FOR FUN

When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."