JEST FOR FUN

Realizing that she'd put on a pound or two, a woman lamented to her husband, "I'm fat." And, right on cue he said what all good husbands must, "You're not fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat." But their daughter, a high schooler, saw through it and said, "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"

JEST FOR FUN

As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, when he came back in, I braced myself for his diagnosis. To my surprise, he came back in smiling.
"Is it anti-freeze? Steering fluid? Oil? What? And just what is so funny?" I asked, a little concerned and a little annoyed.
He cheerfully replied, "It's apple juice."

JEST FOR FUN

An old man was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell, he shuffled to the door; and when he opened it, he saw a beautiful young woman standing there. "Oh, dear!" she said. "I'm at the wrong house." "Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her, "but you're forty years too late!"

JEST FOR FUN

The dog says to the human, "You feed me, you take care of me, you love me, therefore you must be GOD!"

The cat says to the human, "You feed me, you take care of me, you love me, therefore I must be GOD!"

JEST FOR FUN

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

JEST FOR FUN

A geologist is a fault finder.

JEST FOR FUN

One day while out on our fishing boat, we heard a woman calling for help. Pointing frantically toward a sinking row boat, she shouted to us, "My husband can't swim!"
Although the water was up to his chest, the man remained a fisherman through and through. As we reached down to pull him aboard our boat, he lifted a large, still-struggling salmon in his hand, and yelled, "Take the fish!"

JEST FOR FUN

Studying fungi is a way to mold young minds.

JEST FOR FUN

Automation is a technological process that does all the work while you just sit there. When you were younger this was called "Mother."

JEST FOR FUN

When the nearby property became a landfill, the neighbors ended up down in the dumps.

JEST FOR FUN

Anxious about some medical tests I was to have the next morning, I repeatedly told my fears to my sister-in-law, Gladys. "Don't worry," Gladys finally said. "They'll give you a sedative through an IV in your arm." "That's what they do to dogs when they want to kill them!" I exclaimed. "Then don't bark!" Gladys snapped.

JEST FOR FUN

A man goes into tesco's and picks up a bottle of fruit juice and a packet of sugar. he then puts the sugar into his pocket pays for the fruit juice and then leaves the store. security stop him and say excuse me sir we saw you pay for the fruit juice but we also noticed you stole a packet of sugar. the Irish man says no you don't understand I didn't steal the sugar look at this. and he pulls out the bottle of fruit juice and says look here it says sugar free.

JEST FOR FUN

One of the company's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

JEST FOR FUN

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the woman and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the woman, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

JEST FOR FUN

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me. "Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?" My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

JEST FOR FUN

"How long will it take you to finish this "Guide to the World's Beers' of yours?"

"That depends on how many drafts I have to go through."

JEST FOR FUN

Life is like a box of chocolates. You pretty much know what you're gonna get since everybody's taken the good ones and stuck their fingers in all the rest.

JEST FOR FUN

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

JEST FOR FUN

Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he invented Krispy Kreme douighnuts.

JEST FOR FUN

A guy was driving through the South and, being hungry, he stopped at a roadside diner. Entering, he saw a sign advertising the special: "Fresh Venison." The guy orders the special. After completing the meal, he sees the cook standing behind the counter and says, "My compliments to the chef. That was probably the most tender venison I have ever eaten!"
The cook looks at the man with a smile and replies, "Yep, an 18-wheeler will do that, won't it?"