JEST FOR FUN

A man goes into the plumbing supply store and says "I bought a bathtub here last week, but it keeps leaking." The clerk asks, "Did you put a plug in it?" The customer becomes upset. "Plug in it? You didn't tell me it was an electric tub!"

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Back in the 1800s the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

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A friend introduced Richard to a woman and said, "This is Richard. He just got into the nursing program." She looked at Richard and scoffed, "a MALE nurse?!" But he had a great comeback ready. Without missing a beat he said, "I applied to be a female nurse, but I didn't pass the physical." Everybody but her laughed.

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A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having "corrupted the murals of a miner."

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I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate. "Why do you ask?" I responded. "Because, my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday," she replied, "and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast this morning."

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, Every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

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Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!

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Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her new-found interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom. holding in her chuckles at being so clever, asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly, but matter-of-factly, stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

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Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

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The participants in a Xmas pageant forgot their lines, tripped on their floor length costumes, and otherwise totally botched up the performance. All the same, they were foolish enough to show up for a curtain call, at which they promptly were pelted with whatever the audience had on hand, rather than being applauded. As they retreated backstage to clean up, the lead player remarked to the others, "Well, those were certainly bows of folly."

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"Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?" "No, governor, he's not in today, this is Yom Kippur." "Well, hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?"

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I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate. "Why do you ask?" I responded. "Because, my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday," she replied, "and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast this morning."

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I've got to start remembering to lock my car when I go to the grocery store.

I came out yesterday and there were two bushels of zucchini in the back seat!

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Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her. Okay?" "Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

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A bribe is when the giver says "Thanks" and the receiver says "Don't mention it."

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John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you must be going barefoot?"

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I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently, "Scoundrels" and "Drunks" were not the correct answers

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The reason politicians hate golf is it reminds them too much of work--one bad lie after another.

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Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

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I'm not the woman I used to be, so why should I have to pay off her debts?

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John and Bill were teeing off on the long par 5 seventh hole. John decided he was going to reach the green in two and took such a cut at the ball that he almost fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and bouncing into the fairway a mere 150 yards out. "Nice condom shot." remarked Bill. "What's a condom shot?" asked John. "It's safe, but doesn't feel quite as good." replied Bill.



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This morning the math teacher singled me out to ask, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?" Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.


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St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks. "No, it's all right. It won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

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Credit: Anna Welander in WORLDWIDE RECIPES:

My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome. "Honey," I said, using a seductive voice, "if you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his most sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose ten pounds and I'll watch."

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An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

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Ducking into confession with a turkey under his
arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would
you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you
must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father,
what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."

Thanking the priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the priest returned to
his residence. When he walked into the kitchen,
he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

JEST FOR FUN

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!

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At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, "At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer." The woman nodded. "I'll make a note of that: 'Has-been movie producer.'"

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A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!""Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

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The band in the Mediterranean restaurant was off for the evening so they could not play our favorite song, so we asked the wait staff to hummus the tune.

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I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base. One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with instruments. One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general. We had almost played for the weather forecast. (Credit: Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

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Two cultures separated by a common language:

If an American says, "I'm mad about my flat," there is something wrong with his car. If an Englishman says it, he likes his apartment.

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I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills, which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

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Credit: Rich Lederer & Jim Ertner as quoted in Stan Kegel's "Puns of the Day"

A hunter was confronted by both a bull and a lion. He shot the lion first because he could always shoot the bull.

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I'm reading a murder mystery where they bury the guy in cornstarch. I just got to the part where the plot thickens.

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A chicken farmer put in a playground for his chickens to see if happier chickens made more eggs. Sure enough, his egg production increased. So, his neighbor across the road put in a playground for his chickens. In fact, he put one in with a 15 ft. slide. So, one by one, the first farmer's chickens began crossing the road to get to the other slide.

JEST FOR FUN

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

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A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

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In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbas goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks' time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

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A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

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Credit: Grammarian and author Richard Lederer, as quoted in Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Here's a true story: Beth, a high school English teacher in Maine, lived with her friend Sam, an intelligent golden retriever. One day, Beth's mother was riding in the back seat of the car with Sam, who insisted on leaning on Mother. Mother told Sam to "lay down and behave." No action. Mother repeated, "Lay down, Sam." Still no response. Then Beth commanded, "Lie down, Sam," and down the dog went. He was, after all, the companion of an English teacher.

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Aging: Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

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A young woman felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with several members of the police-academy board who would determine her suitability as a candidate. The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?" Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!" She was accepted.

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A woman, while touring a small South American country called Ecuador was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "Señorita, this is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting!" "No, Señorita," the guide replied, "that's our number two sport."

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A woman bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery, but after only a few weeks, its leaves shriveled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation. "Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager. "Good," she replied. "What is it? He said, "Autumn."

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Two five-year-olds were on a picnic with their respective families. They both wandered into the nearby woods to answer a call of nature. The little girl squatted and did the necessary. On her way back to the picnic grounds, she ran across the little boy who was relieving himself against a tree. "Wow" she said with rounded eyes, "what a handy gadget to take on a picnic!"

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Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to hear bits of classical music. Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to quickly stop. The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly. Turning to the woman standing behind him in line. Dad commented on how lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their system fixed. As the music started up again. Dad smiled at the lady and said, "there it is again! isn't it lovely?" "sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman replied with a smile. "your cell phone is ringing."

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The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

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A doctor's daughter was getting married. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what appeared to be a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

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A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?" The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off. Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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Kevin, a volunteer firefighter, was waiting in line to give blood at a blood donor clinic. His pager went off, so he left quickly, only to discover it was a false alarm. Upon returning, his pulse and blood pressure were checked, but his pulse was too high to donate blood. After waiting ten minutes to be retested, a different nurse came looking for him: "Are you the man with the pulse?"

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A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon. Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125. So he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other. "It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting. "You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."

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There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first prize. The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.

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A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

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Jimmy asked, "Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You know, the one you said was really something special." "To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him." answered Mike. "The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird." "What?" says Jimmy. "Let me get this straight ... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?" "Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish." "Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish." "That's what you think!" says Mike "It just so happens this fish can sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"

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Mr. Kramer had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Kramer scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

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Before King Arthur appointed a knight to give acupuncture treatments at Camelot, Sir Lancelot knew he was stuck with the job.

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"Come on, Mom. Don't be mad at me. After all, I never said my room was clean."

"Yes you did!"

"No, what I said was, 'I'm done cleaning my room.'"

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A small plane with a pilot and six passengers aboard encountered serious turbulence, and the pilot told the passengers, "It looks like we are going down." One of the passengers said, "Skipper, I know how to pray." "Good," replied the pilot, "You pray while the rest of us put on our parachutes - we're one short."

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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' the preacher said, 'No shit?'

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A man owned a small farm in Australia. The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday" 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room. 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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The Sunday school teacher asked, "Timmy, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Timmy. "How could he, with just two worms?"

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Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion

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Bob Cohen, who is quadriplegic and uses a wheelchair, is driving to a very important business meeting, but, when he gets there, he can't find a handicap only parking slot. He drives around, up to several blocks away. Even the two pay parking lots are full. In desperation he looks heavenly and says, "Oh Lord, if You will find me a parking place in the next five minutes, I promise You I will stop gambling, I'll eat only kosher food, I'll stop going with shiksas and I'll observe shabbes properly." Almost immediately, he sees a van pulling out of its handicap only parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Bob looks up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there's no need for You to find me a parking place - I've already found one."

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A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?" "Yes." "You come from Talahasee, Florida?" "Yes." "Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?" "Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?" The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!


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I was all excited when my doctor gave me a prescription for the medical marijuana that sells under the name brand, "Reeferal." Then I found out he was a poor speller and was just sending me to another doctor.

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Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Suspecting that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

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The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, "no fat", "low fat", "reduced fat " and "fat, but with a great personality."

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I love chocolate, but it makes my clothes shrink.

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Tubal ligation can get knotty, but lobotomy is a no-brainer.

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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally, he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee.

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My cousin decided it was time that her three sons get baptized, so after several weeks of suitable instruction, one bright Sunday morning they were on their way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, would have their sins washed away. The 9 year old seemed particularly pensive that day, and when Ruth Ann asked him what he was thinking about, his reply was in the form of a question. "Mom, would it be all right if I went first?" "Sure, why?" she asked. "Because, I don't want to be baptized in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."

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Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but the baseball playoffs start tonight. Rabbi, I'm a life long sports junky. I've got to watch the game on TV." The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for." Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"

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A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too far, fell into the well and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

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"So, when the judge didn't show up. The bailiff put His Honor's photo on the bench instead." "And that's why Murphy's appealing?" "Yeah, he says the picture doesn't do him justice."

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It was Yom Kippur evening. In the old Jewish neighborhood, everyone was heading to services. And on his way to synagogue, the Rabbi notices one of his neighbors - an old timer - sitting on a park bench. "Sam. Aren't you going to services?" "Not this year, Rabbi." "Why not Sam? Don't you think you should ask G~d for another year of good health?" "Rabbi. I'm ninety-three years old. Most of my friends are gone. And I have a hunch. I think that in heaven they've forgotten about me. And the last thing I want to do is remind them!"

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The doctor told me I had to watch my drinking. So now I only go to bars that have mirrors.

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"Please keep your dog beside you, sir!" a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite her on the park bench. "I can feel a flea in my shoe." "Fido, come here," replied the man. "That woman has fleas."


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At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar." Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not till next Wednesday. "

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A Jewish couple in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for six. Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for six when they had expressly asked him to set it for four. The butler replied: "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes"

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If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

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At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, "Likee soupee?" The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly. A little later, it was "Likee fishee?" and "Likee meatee?" and "Likee fruitee?" and always the response was an affable nod.
At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbor. When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbor and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, "Likee speechee?"

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The reason we never see any politicians playing golf is it's too much like their work, trapped in one bad lie after another.

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I was driving to work this morning when my Ford quit. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car, and began making cooing noises. A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and then more. Soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly. Then I noticed several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car holding the other end of the rope. All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and chased them all off. No way I was going to be pigeon-towed!

JEST FOR FUN

I sure hope that the sheep that provided the organ for my transplant was a Republican, because I'd hate to be known as a bleating heart liberal.

JEST FOR FUN

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father." "I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

JEST FOR FUN

I'm reading a murder mystery where they bury this guy in cornstarch. I'm just getting to the part where the plot thickens.

JEST FOR FUN

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. The newspapers reported the incident with the headline, “The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn”.

jest

As a schoolteacher expecting my first child, I had attended natural-childbirth classes. One of my classmates was in the hospital in labor at the same time I was. She quickly requested drugs to ease her pain, while I gave birth aided only by my husband's coaching. When the nurses rolled me out of the delivery room, I spotted a chalkboard. Beside my classmate's name was an A-; next to mine was a B+. "Alan, look at that!" I complained to my husband. "She took all the drugs they'd give her and made an A-. I did it naturally and only got a B+." My patient husband rolled his eyes. "Kathy," he said, "that's your blood type!"Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

Be careful if you visit Sea World. You could lose your shirt to one of the pool sharks there.: credit Stan Kegel

JEST FOR FUN

I wouldn't want to fly Virgin; who'd want to fly with an airline that doesn't go all the way.

JEST FOR FUN

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

JEST FOR FUN

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." he said. "Oh yeah? What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

JEST FOR FUN

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered," God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

JEST FOR FUN

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells'."

JEST FOR FUN

My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working.(Fred Marcum as quoted in Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

JEST FOR FUN

The unfortunate voyeur was apprehended at the peek of his career.

JEST FOR FUN

At a mass where a group of young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two men in rabbinical garb enter the church. They found seats at the back of the sanctuary on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. But when it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced, "I am delighted to see two rabbis in our midst at this very special mass where these young ladies are to become the 'brides of Christ'. But I'm curious: why did you choose to be present at this occasion?" The elder rabbi slowly rose to his feet and announceed, "Family of the Groom."

JEST FOR FUN

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

JEST FOR FUN

The most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex is, "What time will your husband get home?"

JEST FOR FUN

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road."

JEST FOR FUN

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet. "How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman. "A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

JEST FOR FUN

Sign at a gasoline station: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR GAS PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR GASOLINE IS.

JEST FOR FUN

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."

JEST FOR FUN

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." The following day, walking in the park with his mother, he saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then said to her, "Uh-oh, I know what you have been doing!"

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road."

JEST FOR FUN

The Honor System Virus: This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.

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The night before their marriage, Jerry called on his innocent bride-to-be at her apartment. "There's nothing to be nervous about," he assured her, "making love is very simple. Tonight I'll demonstrate first how Cousin Alvin makes love, then how Cousin Benson makes love, and finally how my Uncle John makes love." The next morning a telegram arrived: "Thanks for lessons. Have eloped with your Uncle John."

JEST FOR FUN

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

JEST FOR FUN

A shopkeeper attacked a thief with a price labeling gun. The police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

JEST FOR FUN

The one good thing about being a kleptomaniac is that you can always take something for it.

JEST FOR FUN

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face he said; "From now on, I want you to know that I am the Man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director."

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Recently, fish and game officials in South Florida cracked down on folks catching more than their limit of certain types of fish. Wardens stopped a guy, made him open the trunk of his new Grand Marquis sedan and then fined him $1,000 for possessing an overabundance of' game fish. It is the first time in history a penalty has been levied for the level of fish in a Mercury.

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While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers had asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed." I asked him why he wanted one. I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost," or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary!

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One thing to remember when eating in a German restaurant: No matter how bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to come.

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The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that George had appeared before him and the ninth time he was convicted. It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six- pack of beer, pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter. And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him. Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him see the errors of his ways. "You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George.
George answered, "No man should be ashamed of his convictions."

JEST FOR FUN

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn't worried at all about serving his full term. The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early. Jimmy replied, "Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence."

JEST FOR FUN

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from college. "I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, "but I want to ask for your daughter's hand."
"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the father asked.
The boyfriend replied, "From our Lamaze instructor."

JEST FOR FUN

Judi stood before the judge in divorce court.
Judge: "You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?"
Judi: "Yes, it is."
"And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless about his appearance. Is that also correct?"
"That's right, Judge. He hasn't appeared at home for five years now."

JEST FOR FUN

On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere"

Written just below it: "I do not"

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Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He's now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story. Jacob tells him, 'as I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Center, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party.' The journalist is surprised. 'But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that's happened to you and your family?' Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, 'It's only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.'

JEST FOR FUN

Dave was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I ever fall behind in my payments, she might try to repossess me."

JEST FOR FUN

I had to move to New York for health reasons. I'm extremely paranoid and New York is the only place my fears are justified.

JEST FOR FUN

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!

JEST FOR FUN

I bungled a toilet installation once. I decided to caulk it up to experience.

I don't believe in astrology, because I'm an Aquarius and Aquarians don't believe in that sort of thing.

JEST FOR FUN

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."


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Mr. Bud Lind was retired, but active in his community, and one of his volunteer jobs was to occasionally drive the high school band bus to different outings. Because drivers changed often, there was a sign posted at the front of the bus that read, "Your driver is: ______" Bud always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating "Your driver is: B. LIND."

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We've just heard that the Italian government is installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is it if you have the inclination, but not the time?

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Making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. (Lyndon B. Johnson)

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We used to have a guy who said: "I take orders from no one." Unfortunately he was in the sales department.

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In search of a roll-in shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom supply store that advertised they consulted on accessible bathroom solutions. We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision. Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant where the same young lady from the bathroom supply store was now arriving with two friends. As she passed close to our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, "Hey! You're the man who needs a shower!"

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Signs that you are in the 21st century: You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

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Old hypochondriacs never die - they just lose their grippe.

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A few years ago the nuclear aircraft carrier Enterprise was returning to its base at the Oakland-Alameda Naval Base when the ship's captain, misreading the tides, managed to run the carrier aground on the mud flats of San Francisco bay. This event went down in history as being one of the finest examples of grounding the warship you walk on.

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While telling the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!" His friends who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?" The father said with a long-drawn face, "We're not sure - we haven't caught one yet!"

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When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?" She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."


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The teacher of a high school class in the fundamentals of economics led the discussion around to the population explosion. "Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than others," he pointed out. "What people would you guess reproduce the most?" One bright student answered, "Women?"

JEST FOR FUN

The Secretary of Health and Welfare is visiting a psychiatric ward, and asks the Head Psychologist "How do you determine if a patient is cured?" The psychologist explains, "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon, a cup, and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub." "I see," says the Health Secretary, "the cured person would choose the bucket because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster." "Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a sane person would simply pull the plug."

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It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran
out of bait. Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a
frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the
snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait
bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without
getting bit. After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I
grabbed my bottle of whiskey (hey, don't laugh: it's the best
part of fishing!) and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released
him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught
a big bass, too! A couple hours later I felt something brush my
leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up
at me. He had two frogs in his mouth.

JEST FOR FUN

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

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Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court. The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?" "I'm 45 years old, your Honor." The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?" "I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again. "Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1945 and that means you're almost 65." "But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband." "Why not?" asked the judge. "You call that living?" replied Sadie.

JEST FOR FUN

My first psychiatrist said I was paranoid, but I want a second opinion because I think he's out to get me.

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"OLD" IS WHEN ..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!

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A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

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Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."


JEST FOR FUN

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80's and still gainfully employed as a salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the anti-Semitic buyer. "Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis." Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells. "What's going on??? I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads full of ribbon." Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."

JEST FOR FUN

Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

JEST FOR FUN

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn't lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" "No," I replied, "I've got a cold and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well." "You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

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Morris thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Morris seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," replied Morris. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked Morris' finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" Morris exclaimed, as he stared incredulously at his finger, "Dead men DO bleed!!"

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Why shouldn't you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana? Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

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During a dinner party, the hosts‚ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

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Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached, pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something' but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah," the other admitted, "but we're getting farther away from the truck."

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A man walks into a bar that has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics and the Hadron Collider, bio mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, etc. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool!" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, etc. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's Your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." "So," the robot says, very slowly. "Have you already volunteered to help Sarah Palin's 2012 presidential campaign?"

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I broke my finger the other day. Last night I was playing poker, and lost everything. It must have been because of my bad hand.

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Two men are walking their dogs in a graveyard. One man turns to the other and says, "Morning!" The other man replies "No, just walking the dog!"

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Beverly was reading a newspaper, while her husband Harry was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his girl friend for a season ticket to the Red Wings Stadium." "Hmmm," he said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Beverly said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Bev said. "Tell me why not." "Season's almost over," he said.

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An old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days," he says. The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc," replies the snake. "But I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

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I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A salesman came out and said: 'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

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What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer: The cleaner pays you if he loses your suit. If a lawyer loses your suit, he will still take you to the cleaners.

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A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying, "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later, he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying, "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too! ”

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A woman was teaching her 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. The girl asked, "Do I click the square?"
The mother said, "Yes."
She then asked, "Single click or double click?"

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After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"

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In a doctor's waiting room, a nurse was explaining to a group of women how their infants were weighed. "First of all, we weigh the mother on her own. Then we weigh the mother while she holds her baby. Then we subtract the mother's weight from the combined weight of mother and baby, and we then have the baby's weight." At which point one of the women said: "Sorry, nurse, but that won't work for me." "Why not?" asked the nurse. The woman replied, "I'm the baby's aunt."

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When asked by a young patrol officer " Do you know you were speeding "? This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating, "Yes, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going". "Makes perfectly good sense to me," said the officer and let her go with a warning.

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Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. His father, unable to attend the game, immediately inquired as to what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? That's great!" the father said, proudly. "So you batted one out of the park and brought everyone home?" "No," the boy answered. "It's when I was playing in the outfield." "I don't understand," the father said. "How could you be responsible for the winning run if you were the outfielder?" The boy replied, "I dropped the ball!"


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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."

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A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"

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When I was just beginning to take an interest in the opposite sex I remember my slightly prejudicial Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." Later on, as a young man, I learned the fallacy of that statement, when it became quite apparent to me that I was having one hell of a hard time trying to please any of them.

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Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion:"Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific because, when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

Baseball Humor - Steroid Use

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

As a schoolteacher expecting my first child, I had attended natural-childbirth classes. One of my classmates was in the hospital in labor at the same time I was. She quickly requested drugs to ease her pain, while I gave birth aided only by my husband's coaching. When the nurses rolled me out of the delivery room, I spotted a chalkboard. Beside my classmate's name was an A-; next to mine was a B+. "Alan, look at that!" I complained to my husband. "She took all the drugs they'd give her and made an A-. I did it naturally and only got a B+." My patient husband rolled his eyes. "Kathy," he said, "that's your blood type."

Baseball Humor

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Credit: Unknown.

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While waiting for a 7th Avenue bus downtown this morning, I noticed a moderately-well-dressed young man standing by the marble wall of a bank. Well, not quite standing. He had arranged himself, facing the wall, feet spread apart, and leaning at a goodly angle off vertical, his hands splayed against the wall just over his head. A flying buttress, as it were. I watched for a few moments, then strolled over. "Isometric exercises?" I asked. "No, sir. I had a dream last night that this wall is unstable and needs someone to hold it up. So that's what I'm doing." "Do you really think that if you let go, this wall will fall down? That you are holding it up?" "Yes," he replied, "I'm inclined to believe that."

Baseball vs. Football

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Credit: George Carlin

JEST FOR FUN

As we gathered in the living room, my father opened up his birthday present from my mother, two exquisite silk ties. With nary a thank you, he quietly slipped away to their bedroom. There he changed into a crisp white shirt and his best suit before parading in front of us wearing one of the ties. Mom looked at his ensemble, then asked, "Don't you like the other one?"

Why We Love Baseball...

"You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are 'Play Ball'" - Comedian Jeff Foxworthy

Credit: Unknown.

JEST FOR FUN

A helicopter pilot and a jet pilot were arguing about which aircraft was the better. To settle the argument, they agreed on a contest that would pit each aircraft's speed, versatility and strength against the other's. Points would be awarded for each category and at the end of the contest the winner would receive a beautifully-engraved loving cup . When the helicopter edged out the Jet, its pilot was asked if he had ever been in doubt about winning. "NeverI" he replied. "Everybody knows that in a contest like this the whirlybird gets the urn!"

JEST FOR FUN

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test: Tester: "If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy replied, "SEVEN!"
Tester: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy: "SEVEN!"
Tester: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?"
Paddy: "SIX."
Tester: "Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy: "SEVEN!"
Tester: "How on Earth do you figure that you'd have seven rabbits?"
Paddy: "Well I've already got one rabbit at home!"

JEST FOR FUN

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist
The proctologist fainted

Stating the Obvious

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

Credit: Bob Dvorak

Sherlock Holmes was reputed to have been repeatedly audited by HM's Revenue officials for declaring excessive deductions.

JEST FOR FUN

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that''s not what has me so excited, Father" replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father." "How much did you win?"