JEST FOR FUN

A customer ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

JEST FOR FUN

"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers

JEST FOR FUN

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

JEST FOR FUN

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you'."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

JEST FOR FUN

Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk. When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."

JEST FOR FUN

It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the Indian questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find
this Indian. When he did, he thought he'd conduct a test.
After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the Indian what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The Indian replied, "Eggs."
The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct.
Ten years later the man comes across the Indian again. Very pleased to see him he greets him in the stereotypical "How."
The Indian looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies, "Scrambled."

JEST FOR FUN

Two lawyers went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained. The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

JEST FOR FUN

The wife left me a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about. The fridge works fine. Women, who can understand them?

JEST FOR FUN

A young couple went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other. "What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."

JEST FOR FUN

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

JEST FOR FUN

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"

JEST FOR FUN

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

JEST FOR FUN

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel now.

JEST FOR FUN

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't you love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

JEST FOR FUN

I got kicked out of the Chinese restaurant when I asked the server if the spring rolls were still fresh in the midst of summer.

JEST FOR FUN

The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill, as well. This could be wearing, but usually, he was able to provide the good example and escape the tattlers.

One night, however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came to a sudden stopping place. His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

"No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

"Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

"No coffee either, thank you."

In the spirit of conspiracy, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug?"

"My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."

JEST FOR FUN

They say a dog is a mans best friend, but not even my enemies let alone any of my friends will look me dead in the eye while taking a crap on my carpet!

JEST FOR FUN

It was very crowded at the grocery store, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

JEST FOR FUN

A new reporter was sent to cover the visit of a minister. Before his speech, the minister said to a reporter, "When you do your write up, please don't mention the anecdotes I use. I want to include them in other speeches I'm giving in town." Thus the reporter wrote, "The good Reverend told several stories that can't be repeated here."

JEST FOR FUN

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" ''Yep!'' "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" ''Not really." ''Is she a good cook?" ''Naw, she can't cook too well." ''Does she have lots of money?" ''Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" " don't know." ''Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" ''Because she can still drive!"