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Paul walked into Skeeter's Pub about 7PM, just a few minutes past the time he showed up three or four times a week. "What'll it be tonight, Paul?" "Bottle of Sam Adams, please, Skeeter." "I had Adams on tap last night and you ordered a bottle of Guinness. Last week I had Guinness on tap and you ordered a bottle of Foster's. Last month I had Foster's on tap -- you wanted Beck's. Too bad at your young age you'll never be able to run for public office." Paul shrugged. "How so?" "Because you've spent the last year and a half avoiding the draft."

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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

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A doctor was the first at his hospital to perform a new procedure that removes blockage in the Fallopian tubes without surgery. He successfully did this on several occasions, allowing previously infertile women to conceive. His wife says she is the only wife in in town who is thrilled when her husband comes home and brags, "Guess what, honey! I got a woman pregnant today."

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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete?" one asked. "He got this hare-brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work."

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If I ever decide to sell shoes on eBay, my offer will be "Buy The Right Shoe, Get The Left Shoe Free!" People love a bargain.

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An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

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Bumper Sticker: All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

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The incontinent Scotsman had a wee accident.

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The ship sank. He was the lone survivor. He swam towards a distant beach. When he arrived there, he crawled up on the shore to rest and count his blessings; that's when he saw the first one... a pecan pie. He then saw a banana split, a cup of vanilla gelato, chocolate chip cookies, caramel apples, and yellow cake. Suddenly he realized he was on a desserted island.

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A perverted pedicurist would break into people's homes and trim their nails while they were sleeping. He was a clip toe maniac.

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The cannibal's cookbook, titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

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Old quarterbacks never die; they just pass away.

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Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." "Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

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I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed." The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," he said, "then say, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

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On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"' The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

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A young man volunteered to babysit his girlfriend's little siblings one night so she could have an evening out with her friends. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some college hoops. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back up. Shortly after 9:00 p. m., the doorbell rang. It was the next- door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No." Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

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Saudi Arabia is free of mental illness because there are nomad people there.

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From Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day:

When my son was about seven years old, my wife, son, and I were on a car trip when my son asked: "Mom, what's a flasher?". Well, being a responsible mother, she proceeded to describe this man with a trench coat. You get the picture. After the explanation, my son frowned as though he did not get a good answer and then asked: "But mom, what does it mean 'Trucks under 40 use flashers'?". I had seen the sign and knew exactly what question my son had asked, but I was so interested in hearing my wife's response that I kept silent throughout the explanation.