JEST FOR FUN

Newspaper Article: The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

JEST FOR FUN

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's
Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered,
handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms
to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM
prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts
of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

JEST FOR FUN

How cold was it yesterdayy?

It was so cold that …

1. Folks had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

2. Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

3. Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

4. When someone dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

5. The opticians were giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

6. Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my PJs haven't thawed out yet!"

7. Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!

8. The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

9. Grandpa's teeth were chattering -- in the glass!

10. The dogs were wearing cats instead of chasing them!

11. Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

12. Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

13. The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle!

14. People had to carry around hammers and chisels so they could get out of their parkas!

15. When the cows were milked, farmers got ice cream! Milking the brown cows yielded chocolate ice cream!

16. Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off!

JEST FOR FUN

Hugh Hefner reportedly gave his new fiancee a $90,000 diamond engagement ring. Its not that impressive. Back when he bought it, it was still a lump of coal.

JEST FOR FUN

Our minister during the annual pledge drive delivers a sermon on the importance of supporting the church. We call it his "Sermon on the Amount."


JEST FOR FUN

Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense.

JEST FOR FUN

I was checking out at the busy supermarket, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure." Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."

JEST FOR FUN

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy

JEST FOR FUN

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

JEST FOR FUN

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend, Mike, couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed. "The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar." "Really?" said his mother, surprised. "What do they do if it starts to rain?"

JEST FOR FUN

Even though there are many differences between Christian and Muslim cultures, there exist some similarities. I note that in Arab countries like Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Iraq, that if a woman commits adultery, she is stoned. It's the same in Los Angeles, only they usually get stoned beforehand instead of after.

JEST FOR FUN

Balanced diet: Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate

JEST FOR FUN

A pastor and his wife were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
 A church member that was a policeman stopped him promptly, and said, "What do you think you are doing? You were going mighty fast there, pastor."
 The policeman's pastor says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin... see how it runs."
 The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket. Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
 The preacher says, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
 The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

JEST FOR FUN

A pastor and his wife were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

A church member that was a policeman stopped him promptly, and said, "What do you think you are doing? You were going mighty fast there, pastor."

The policeman's pastor says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin... see how it runs."

The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket. Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"

The preacher says, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."

The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

JEST FOR FUN

A man was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the family to come up and view the body. "Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier," said the chaplain. He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did you?" "You heard the chaplain," the other replied. "It was just for the family."

JEST FOR FUN

Our three children like to spin in our home office chairs. One of the chairs makes this annoying popping noise whenever they are spinning in it that is not conducive to productive thought processes. We have told the children time and time again NOT to spin in the chair. Either they forget or it is an act of defiance, but they continue to spin in the chair from time to time, leading us to believe that this is an act of swivel disobedience.

JEST FOR FUN

Out by the Cheyenne River, an enterprising Native American founded a business manufacturing crepe paper. Using modern equipment and Internet Marketing techniques, he built a reputation for quality paper printed with traditional tribal designs. A certain gourmet in Chicago was arranging a party and, via the Internet, ordered what he intended to be 25 sets of the designer-pattern crepe paper. When the shipment arrived, it turned out that the order had been entered as 25 *cases* of crepe paper. The gourmet bellowed at an assistant, "Send this back -- the crepe Sioux sets have been grossly overdone!"

JEST FOR FUN

When I was in elementary school, a teacher gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then it was time for arts and crafts and we were shown how to make ashtrays for Mother's Day.

JEST FOR FUN

Customer: "What does this mean? There's a fly in the bottom of my teacup!"

Waitress: "How should I know? I'm a waitress, not a fortuneteller."

JEST FOR FUN

A man goes into the plumbing supply store and says "I bought a bathtub here last week, but it keeps leaking." The clerk asks, "Did you put a plug in it?" The customer becomes upset. "Plug in it? You didn't tell me it was an electric tub!"

JEST FOR FUN

Four-year-old Zachary came screaming out of the bathroom to tell Mom he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. She fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to Mom's bathroom and came out with her toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too, then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."