JEST FOR FUN

Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

JEST FOR FUN

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn't lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" "No," I replied, "I've got a cold and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well." "You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

JEST FOR FUN

Morris thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Morris seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," replied Morris. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked Morris' finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" Morris exclaimed, as he stared incredulously at his finger, "Dead men DO bleed!!"

JEST FOR FUN

Why shouldn't you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana? Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

JEST FOR FUN

During a dinner party, the hosts‚ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

JEST FOR FUN

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached, pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something' but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah," the other admitted, "but we're getting farther away from the truck."

JEST FOR FUN

A man walks into a bar that has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics and the Hadron Collider, bio mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, etc. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool!" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, etc. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's Your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." "So," the robot says, very slowly. "Have you already volunteered to help Sarah Palin's 2012 presidential campaign?"

JEST FOR FUN

I broke my finger the other day. Last night I was playing poker, and lost everything. It must have been because of my bad hand.

JEST FOR FUN

Two men are walking their dogs in a graveyard. One man turns to the other and says, "Morning!" The other man replies "No, just walking the dog!"

JEST FOR FUN

Beverly was reading a newspaper, while her husband Harry was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his girl friend for a season ticket to the Red Wings Stadium." "Hmmm," he said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Beverly said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Bev said. "Tell me why not." "Season's almost over," he said.

JEST FOR FUN

An old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days," he says. The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc," replies the snake. "But I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

JEST FOR FUN

I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A salesman came out and said: 'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

JEST FOR FUN

What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer: The cleaner pays you if he loses your suit. If a lawyer loses your suit, he will still take you to the cleaners.

JEST FOR FUN

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying, "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later, he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying, "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too! ”

JEST FOR FUN

A woman was teaching her 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. The girl asked, "Do I click the square?"
The mother said, "Yes."
She then asked, "Single click or double click?"

JEST FOR FUN

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"

JEST FOR FUN

In a doctor's waiting room, a nurse was explaining to a group of women how their infants were weighed. "First of all, we weigh the mother on her own. Then we weigh the mother while she holds her baby. Then we subtract the mother's weight from the combined weight of mother and baby, and we then have the baby's weight." At which point one of the women said: "Sorry, nurse, but that won't work for me." "Why not?" asked the nurse. The woman replied, "I'm the baby's aunt."

JEST FOR FUN

When asked by a young patrol officer " Do you know you were speeding "? This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating, "Yes, but, I had to get there before I forgot where I was going". "Makes perfectly good sense to me," said the officer and let her go with a warning.

JEST FOR FUN

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. His father, unable to attend the game, immediately inquired as to what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? That's great!" the father said, proudly. "So you batted one out of the park and brought everyone home?" "No," the boy answered. "It's when I was playing in the outfield." "I don't understand," the father said. "How could you be responsible for the winning run if you were the outfielder?" The boy replied, "I dropped the ball!"