JEST FOR FUN

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."

JEST FOR FUN

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"

JEST FOR FUN

When I was just beginning to take an interest in the opposite sex I remember my slightly prejudicial Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." Later on, as a young man, I learned the fallacy of that statement, when it became quite apparent to me that I was having one hell of a hard time trying to please any of them.

JEST FOR FUN

Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion:"Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific because, when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

Baseball Humor - Steroid Use

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

As a schoolteacher expecting my first child, I had attended natural-childbirth classes. One of my classmates was in the hospital in labor at the same time I was. She quickly requested drugs to ease her pain, while I gave birth aided only by my husband's coaching. When the nurses rolled me out of the delivery room, I spotted a chalkboard. Beside my classmate's name was an A-; next to mine was a B+. "Alan, look at that!" I complained to my husband. "She took all the drugs they'd give her and made an A-. I did it naturally and only got a B+." My patient husband rolled his eyes. "Kathy," he said, "that's your blood type."

Baseball Humor

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Credit: Unknown.

je

While waiting for a 7th Avenue bus downtown this morning, I noticed a moderately-well-dressed young man standing by the marble wall of a bank. Well, not quite standing. He had arranged himself, facing the wall, feet spread apart, and leaning at a goodly angle off vertical, his hands splayed against the wall just over his head. A flying buttress, as it were. I watched for a few moments, then strolled over. "Isometric exercises?" I asked. "No, sir. I had a dream last night that this wall is unstable and needs someone to hold it up. So that's what I'm doing." "Do you really think that if you let go, this wall will fall down? That you are holding it up?" "Yes," he replied, "I'm inclined to believe that."

Baseball vs. Football

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Credit: George Carlin

JEST FOR FUN

As we gathered in the living room, my father opened up his birthday present from my mother, two exquisite silk ties. With nary a thank you, he quietly slipped away to their bedroom. There he changed into a crisp white shirt and his best suit before parading in front of us wearing one of the ties. Mom looked at his ensemble, then asked, "Don't you like the other one?"

Why We Love Baseball...

"You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are 'Play Ball'" - Comedian Jeff Foxworthy

Credit: Unknown.

JEST FOR FUN

A helicopter pilot and a jet pilot were arguing about which aircraft was the better. To settle the argument, they agreed on a contest that would pit each aircraft's speed, versatility and strength against the other's. Points would be awarded for each category and at the end of the contest the winner would receive a beautifully-engraved loving cup . When the helicopter edged out the Jet, its pilot was asked if he had ever been in doubt about winning. "NeverI" he replied. "Everybody knows that in a contest like this the whirlybird gets the urn!"

JEST FOR FUN

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test: Tester: "If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy replied, "SEVEN!"
Tester: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy: "SEVEN!"
Tester: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?"
Paddy: "SIX."
Tester: "Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy: "SEVEN!"
Tester: "How on Earth do you figure that you'd have seven rabbits?"
Paddy: "Well I've already got one rabbit at home!"

JEST FOR FUN

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist
The proctologist fainted

Stating the Obvious

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

Credit: Bob Dvorak

Sherlock Holmes was reputed to have been repeatedly audited by HM's Revenue officials for declaring excessive deductions.

JEST FOR FUN

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that''s not what has me so excited, Father" replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father." "How much did you win?"

JEST FOR FUN

Miss Jones was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnny, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"
Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!?"

JEST FOR FUN

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

JEST FOR FUN

How did the terms "Bull Market" and "Bear Market" get their names? It's called a "Bull Market" because in times of rising stock prices, investors must listen to a lot of bull on the safety of investing their life saving on risky ventures. It's called a "Bear Market" when stock prices fall because most investors lose their shirts and can't replace them so are forced to go bare.


Amazing Smoke Formation

Wow! How do they do that?

Credit: Unknown.

Random Quote of the Day

Is this how you define crazy these days? Wonder if it would make a good legal defense.


Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd.

~Allan Goldfein


Credit: www.joke-of-the-day.com

JEST FOR FUN

Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I thought it was tough at first , then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

JEST FOR FUN

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Dye Job

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He then continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

JEST FOR FUN

I was discussing family resemblance with a class of ten-year- olds. One bright spark informed me: "My mom said that the reason children look like their parents is because of something in your pants."

This stumped me for a minute. Then I caught on. "Oh" I said, "You mean it's in your genes."

"Right," he replied quite seriously. "It's something in your jeans."


JEST FOR FUN

A couple of years ago when I was a CNA on a telemetry floor, several of us were sitting around the nurses' station just winding down the shift. We were sitting next to the telemetry monitors when a patient rang in and on speaker we heard him say in a loud and pitiful voice, "Can you send my nurse in" I'm having pain!" To that the monitor tech inquired, "Where are you having pain?" The patient replied in all seriousness, "In Room 221"

What is Easter?

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Credit: Unknown.

JEST FOR FUN

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the
congregation. But when the music director and the pastor get into it,
stand back. One week the pastor preached on commitment and how we
should dedicate ourselves to service. The choir selected “I Shall Not
Be Moved” as the final hymn. Next week the pastor preached on giving
and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir
selected “Jesus Paid It All “ as the final hymn. Next week the pastor
preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The choir
selected “I Love To Tell The Story” as the final hymn. Next week the
pastor, being disgusted over the situation, told the congregation
that he was considering resignation. The choir selected “Why Not
Tonight “ as the final hymn. Then the pastor resigned the next week
and told the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was
now leading him away. The choir selected “What A Friend We Have In
Jesus “ as the final hymn

JEST FOR FUN

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was pleased. They really seemed to understand the lesson I'd previously been teaching them.
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Chocolate Easter Bunnies

Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)