Credit: Unknown.
WARNING TO WOMEN!
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to seethat they had just been hiding in my
armpits as I slept. Now I keep themhidden in my waistband.
PPS. These same thieves come in my closet and shrank my clothes!
How do they do it????
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Robin Williams on Golf.
I've long loved this bit. Williams is by far at his best when he does standup. Forget his stupid movies, these are the peak of funny.
One note: he's got a foul mouth on this. Be wary before you click play. (If you can stand it, though, you'll love it.)
One note: he's got a foul mouth on this. Be wary before you click play. (If you can stand it, though, you'll love it.)
JEST FOR FUN
The manager at the restaurant where my friend worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him, his height. Or, should I say... his very obvious lack of it. One day he stormed through the front door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!” Most of the waitresses were speechless, except for one who just had to blurt out. . . “How could anyone stoop so low?”
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Interesting Facts Part 3
1. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
2. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
3. Pearls melt in vinegar.
4. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
5. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
6. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
7. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
8. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
9. Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
10. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
11. Butterflies taste with their feet.
12. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
13. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
14. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
15. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
16. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
17. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
18. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Credit: www.dysan.net
2. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
3. Pearls melt in vinegar.
4. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
5. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
6. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
7. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
8. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
9. Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
10. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
11. Butterflies taste with their feet.
12. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
13. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
14. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
15. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
16. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
17. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
18. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Credit: www.dysan.net
YA GOTTA LOVE THIS DOCTOR
Credit: Unknown.
Finally, some health care advice for the masses. I love this Doctor and I bet you will too :)
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Dell Days of Deals! June 15-24 - A New Deal
Finally, some health care advice for the masses. I love this Doctor and I bet you will too :)
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Dell Days of Deals! June 15-24 - A New Deal
Bush vs. the zombies.
No getting political here. This is just a nice piece of editing.
Credit: MyEverything.com.
Credit: MyEverything.com.
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