JEST FOR FUN

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,
The lonely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles
To tell you what she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize,
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.

JEST FOR FUN

If we aren't meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

JEST FOR FUN

When I got home late for supper last night, I told my wife that I had a pretty nasty fall and twisted my ankle. She thought that was a lame excuse.

JEST FOR FUN

Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.

JEST FOR FUN

The ship sank. He was the lone survivor. He swam towards a distant beach. When he arrived there, he crawled up on the shore to rest and count his blessings; that's when he saw the first one, a pecan pie. He then saw a banana split, a cup of vanilla gelatin, chocolate chip cookies, caramel apples and, yellow cake. Suddenly he realized he was on a desserted island.

JEST FOR FUN

Sally goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible."

But Sally keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home."

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize."

Sally says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.

JEST FOR FUN

The waitress poured a cup of coffee for a customer who had just taken a seat at the counter one morning. He tasted the coffee. "Excuse me," he said to the waitress, "this coffee tastes like mud!"

"Well," the waitress replied, "It was fresh ground this morning."

JEST FOR FUN

Worried about my increasing weight, I consulted my doctor about a healthy diet. "What is the least you have ever weighed?" asked the doctor.

Of course, I replied, "Seven pounds, six ounces."

JEST FOR FUN

Nobody can call him a quitter. He's always been fired from every job he ever had,

JEST FOR FUN

The phrase "melting pot" used to mean the United States of America. Now it means you put the wrong container in the microwave.

JEST FOR FUN

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number.

He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis. Could you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."

JEST FOR FUN

I think the presidential candidates should concentrate on players in the 
National Baseball League. That way they get the swing voters!



JEST FOR FUN

Ten Rules For Eating Your Valentine Chocolates

1. Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do on
Valentine's day. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

2. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.

3. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

4. The problem: How to get two pounds of Valentine chocolate
home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the
parking lot.

5. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

6. If you can't eat all your Valentine chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong
with you?

7. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate,
is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each
other?

8. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

9. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you
look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

10. A nice box of Valentine chocolates can provide your total
daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

JEST FOR FUN

A wealthy old farmer was having a family reunion with his large family and as they all sat down to the table for a Sunday roast beef dinner, the old man looked around at his six big strapping sons and said: "I don't see any grandchildren around this table of mine. I want you all to know that I will give $10,000 to the first one of you who presents me with a grandchild. We will now say grace."

When he raised his eyes again, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.

JEST FOR FUN

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

JEST FOR FUN

A woman went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and found her husband shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

JEST FOR FUN

Hank finally found the courage to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not even on her best day." Hank replied.

"Does she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Then what is it? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support."

JEST FOR FUN

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned sixty). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you want to live to be 80?"

JEST FOR FUN

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma,
received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government
for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business myself next year. What I want to know is, in your
opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on,
and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs,
but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as
easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I
can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at
first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs,
which will give me $80,000 income the first year.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not
feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good
time of the year to not raise hogs and grain. I am also
considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send
me any information on that also.

In view of these circumstances, I understand that the
government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to
file for unemployment and food stamps as well. Be assured
that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,

Duster Benton

JEST FOR FUN

During a Sunday-morning worship service, a mother tried everything she could think of˜including rewards, scoldings, and threats˜to get her fidgety 7-year-old to be quiet. Nothing worked. Finally, about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered something in the little boy's ear. He immediately stopped fidgeting and sat quietly for the rest of the service. Afterward a friend sitting in the row behind asked the young mother what she had said to her son. The mother smiled slyly and replied, "If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place, and then he'll have to start his sermon all over again."

JEST FOR FUN

A woman ahead of me at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.

"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."

A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."