JEST FOR FUN

A lady was entertaining her friend's small son. "Are you sure you can cut your meat?" she asked after watching his struggles.

"Oh, yes," he replied, without looking up from his plate. "We often have it as tough as this at home."

JEST FOR FUN

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

JEST FOR FUN

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers. Out on the lake while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year, slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months." Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, "Think it over a bit more, Nigel. Women like that are hard to find."Credit: Unknown. (If this picture belongs to you, click here to claim it.)

JEST FOR FUN

My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind to sue him.

JEST FOR FUN

Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

JEST FOR FUN

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"

JEST FOR FUN

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

JEST FOR FUN

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down
for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into
the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,
all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything
from cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to
move out for a few days and in the end, they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take
the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got
out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called
the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely
and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be
willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting
the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house
had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered
the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their
new home. And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain
rods with them.

JEST FOR FUN

If you're worried about cell phone microwaves, stick a piece of popcorn in your ear. When it pops, it's time to hang up.

JEST FOR FUN

Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

JEST FOR FUN

Because of an ear infection, a young boy, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. The mother was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to the boy. When he
asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to the mom. Without looking at it, she tucked it into her purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-
drug interaction the boy must have. When he saw the mother's puzzled expression, he showed her the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."

JEST FOR FUN

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

JEST FOR FUN

A handful of seven-year-old children were asked what they thought of beer. Here are some interesting responses.

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.

My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.

JEST FOR FUN

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently, he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking
the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

JEST FOR FUN

A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb. "This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks. "No, of course not" responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."

JEST FOR FUN

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers
aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available.

JEST FOR FUN

My daughter's boyfriend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So, she sent him a "Get Well" card.